Good Omens

The man began to walk back to his van. Then he stopped, and turned.

“If I was to tell my wife what happened to me today,” he told them, a little sadly, “she’d never believe me. And I wouldn’t blame her, because I don’t either.” And he climbed into his van, and he drove away.

Crowley stood up, a little unsteadily. He reached a hand down to Aziraphale.

“Come on,” he said. “I’ll drive us back to London.”

He took a Jeep. No one stopped them.

It had a cassette player. This isn’t general issue, even for American military vehicles, but Crowley automatically assumed that all vehicles he drove would have cassette players and therefore this one did, within seconds of his getting in.

The cassette that he put on as he drove was marked Handel’s Water Music, and it stayed Handel’s Water Music all the way home.

Sunday

(The first day of the rest of their lives.)

AT AROUND HALF PAST TEN the paper boy brought the Sunday papers to the front door of Jasmine Cottage. He had to make three trips.

The series of thumps as they hit the mat woke up Newton Pulsifer.

He left Anathema asleep. She was pretty shattered, poor thing. She’d been almost incoherent when he’d put her to bed. She’d run her life according to the Prophecies and now there were no more Prophecies. She must be feeling like a train which had reached the end of the line but still had to keep going, somehow.

From now on she’d be able to go through life with everything coming as a surprise, just like everyone else. What luck.

The telephone rang.

Newt dashed for the kitchen and picked up the receiver on the second ring.

“Hello?” he said.

A voice of forced friendliness tinted with desperation gabbled at him.

“No,” he said, “I’m not. And it’s not Devissey, it’s Device. As in Nice. And she’s asleep.”

“Well,” he said, “I’m pretty sure she doesn’t want any cavities insulated. Or double glazing. I mean, she doesn’t own the cottage, you know. She’s only renting it.”

“No, I’m not going to wake her up and ask her,” he said. “And tell me, Miss, uh … right, Miss Morrow, why don’t you lot take Sundays off, like everybody else does?”

“Sunday,” he said. “Of course it’s not Saturday. Why would it be Saturday? Saturday was yesterday. It’s honestly Sunday today, really. What do you mean, you’ve lost a day? I haven’t got it. Seems to me you’ve got a bit carried away with selling … Hello?”

He growled, and replaced the receiver.

Telephone salespeople! Something dreadful ought to happen to them.

He was assailed by a moment of sudden doubt. Today was Sunday, wasn’t it? A glance at the Sunday papers reassured him. If the Sunday Times said it was Sunday, you could be sure that they’d investigated the matter. And yesterday was Saturday. Of course. Yesterday was Saturday, and he’d never forget Saturday for as long as he lived, if only he could remember what it was he wasn’t meant to forget.

Seeing that he was in the kitchen, Newt decided to make breakfast.

He moved around the kitchen as quietly as possible, to avoid waking the rest of the household, and found every sound magnified. The antique fridge had a door that shut like the crack of doom. The kitchen tap dribbled like a diuretic gerbil but made a noise like Old Faithful. And he couldn’t find where anything was. In the end, as every human being who has ever breakfasted on their own in someone else’s kitchen has

done since nearly the dawn of time, he made do with unsweetened instant black coffee.55

On the kitchen table was a roughly rectangular, leather-bound cinder. He could just make out the words ‘Ni e and Acc’ on the charred cover. What a difference a day made, he thought. It turns you from the ultimate reference book to a mere barbecue briquette.

Now, then. How, exactly, had they got it? He recalled a man who smelled of smoke and wore sunglasses even in darkness. And there was other stuff, all running together … boys on bikes … an unpleasant buzzing … a small, grubby, staring face … It all hung around in his mind, not exactly forgotten but forever hanging on the cusp of recollection, a memory of things that hadn’t happened.56 How could you have that?

He sat staring at the wall until a knock at the door brought him back to earth.