Good Omens

“Your people been in touch?” he said.

“No. Yours?”

“No.”

“I think they’re pretending it didn’t happen.”

“Mine too, I suppose. That’s bureaucracy for you.”

“And I think mine are waiting to see what happens next,” said Aziraphale.

Crowley nodded. “A breathing space,” he said. “A chance to morally re-arm. Get the defenses up. Ready for the big one.”

They stood by the pond, watching the ducks scrabble for the bread.

“Sorry?” said Aziraphale. “I thought that was the big one.”

“I’m not sure,” said Crowley. “Think about it. For my money, the really big one will be all of Us against all of Them.”

“What? You mean Heaven and Hell against humanity?”

Crowley shrugged. “Of course, if he did change everything, then maybe he changed himself, too. Got rid of his powers, perhaps. Decided to stay human.”

“Oh, I do hope so,” said Aziraphale. “Anyway, I’m sure the alternative wouldn’t be allowed. Er. Would it?”

“I don’t know. You can never be certain about what’s really intended. Plans within plans.”

“Sorry?” said Aziraphale.

“Well,” said Crowley, who’d been thinking about this until his head ached, “haven’t you ever wondered about it all? You know—your people and my people, Heaven and Hell, good and evil, all that sort of thing? I mean, why?”

“As I recall,” said the angel, stiffly, “there was the rebellion and—”

“Ah, yes. And why did it happen, eh? I mean, it didn’t have to, did it?” said Crowley, a manic look in his eye. “Anyone who could build a universe in six days isn’t going to let a little thing like that happen. Unless they want it to, of course.”

“Oh, come on. Be sensible,” said Aziraphale, doubtfully.

“That’s not good advice,” said Crowley. “That’s not good advice at all. If you sit down and think about it sensibly, you come up with some very funny ideas. Like: why make people inquisitive, and then put some forbidden fruit where they can see it with a big neon finger flashing on and off saying ‘THIS IS IT!’?”

“I don’t remember any neon.”

“Metaphorically, I mean. I mean, why do that if you really don’t want them to eat it, eh? I mean, maybe you just want to see how it all turns out. Maybe it’s all part of a great big ineffable plan. All of it. You, me, him, everything. Some great big test to see if what you’ve built all works properly, eh? You start thinking: it can’t be a great cosmic game of chess, it has to be just very complicated Solitaire. And don’t bother to answer. If we could understand, we wouldn’t be us. Because it’s all—all—”

INEFFABLE, said the figure feeding the ducks.

“Yeah. Right. Thanks.”

They watched the tall stranger carefully dispose of the empty bag in a litter bin, and stalk away across the grass. Then Crowley shook his head.

“What was I saying?” he said.

“Don’t know,” said Aziraphale. “Nothing very important, I think.”

Crowley nodded gloomily. “Let me tempt you to some lunch,” he hissed.

They went to the Ritz again, where a table was mysteriously vacant. And perhaps the recent exertions had had some fallout in the nature of reality because, while they were eating, for the first time ever, a nightingale sang in Berkeley Square.

No one heard it over the noise of the traffic, but it was there, right enough.