Beauty Queens

I’m not going to school today, Mom!

MOM

Not go to school? But you love school. You’re a high achiever who fulfills my narcissistic need to outshine the other mothers on the block.

DAUGHTER

I know, Mom, but I can’t go! Not with this unsightly lip hair.

MOM

(Smiling smugly, Mom pulls a large white plastic vat from her laundry basket.)

Oh, honey. You just need some of this. New Lady ’Stache Off with triple beauty action™.

DAUGHTER

Lady ’Stache Off. Isn’t that what you use to sanitize our toilets?

MOM

(laughing) It does both! And now, with new Lady ’Stache Off’s triple beauty action™, you can moisturize and self-tan while you rip that unsightly hair from every pore.

DAUGHTER

Wow! (biting lip) Does new Lady ’Stache Off with triple beauty action™ hurt?

MOM

Oh, honey, of course it hurts! Beauty is pain. But you don’t want to look like a troll, do you?

DAUGHTER

Mom!

MOM

It’s more than that, sweetheart. Every time you use new Lady stache off with triple beauty action™, you’ are contributing to our ecoonomy, our way of life. Don’t you want to be a contributor to our economy? Don’t you want to make sure we can have bikinis, cable, and  p**n ? What are you, a communist?

DAUGHTER

Mo-o-om!

MOM

(Smiling and hugging)

Of course not! You’re my eager-to-please teenage daughter with a hair maintenance problem, and I am your sympathetic mom here to help you. In addition to new Lady ’Stache Off with triple beauty action™, there’s also Lady ’Stache Off Organic with bonus buffing pad.

DAUGHTER

There’s an organic hair remover?

MOM

No. Not really. But don’t you love the package? Look, it has butterflies.

DAUGHTER