Beauty Queens
Page 298
While we linger on Tiara’s giddy, triumphant face, let’s peek behind the corner at her future.
Tiara Destiny Swan — Part-time interior decorator and full-time soccer mom to four kids. Recently let them use her old trophies to construct a fort in the backyard. Enrolled in a low-residency college program with a 3.75 GPA. Knows how to spell douche.
“Thank you, Miss Alabama!”
“Mississippi!” Tiara singsongs.
“Oh, Alabama — that’s me!” Brittani runs out onto the stage wearing a bikini and a metal cape made from salvaged plane parts. She turns to show off the cape and winks over her shoulder.
Brittani Slocum — Soap opera actress and celebrity spokeswoman for the Third Nipple Foundation. Accidentally married a European prince while making a music video. Now princess of that principality, but not really sure why.