The air I breathed stung. I couldn’t deny anything he’d said. “What does that have to do with this?”
“Because when you learned he was an Ascended, you got so upset, you lost control of your emotions. You began to glow and call the wolven to you,” he said, lowering his chin so we were at eye-level. “They felt your anger, and I don’t know if you noticed or not, but I’m pretty sure if you had commanded them to attack, they would’ve done so without hesitation.”
I had noticed that.
“And while I have to admit that is a rather impressive ability, I also fear what will happen when you see Ian, and you no longer recognize him,” he said, and my heart seized. “And I don’t fear your anger or what you do with that wealth of power in you. I don’t fear that at all. I fear what it will do to you—the knowledge that your brother is truly gone.”
I sucked in a shuddering breath as I briefly squeezed my eyes shut. His concern warmed me. It came from such a beautiful place.
“Are you truly ready for that?” he asked, moving his hands to my cheeks. “Are you really ready to do what you believe is necessary if you find that he has become something unrecognizable?”
The air I breathed continued to hurt as I placed my hands on his chest, feeling his heart beat strongly under my palm. I looked up at him, seeing the flecks of amber. “You know I hope to find a part of him still inside there, but I know I have to be ready for what I find. I have to be ready if nothing of Ian remains.”
Casteel smoothed his thumbs over my skin. “And if you’re not ready when it comes to releasing him from this curse?”
“I am willing to shoulder whatever pain comes from giving my brother peace,” I told him.
A fine tremor coursed through him. “I have to see my brother.”
“I know, and I swear, I’m not going to hold you back. That isn’t what this is about. Yes, I am worried about this being a trap. Like I said, they know exactly how to draw you out. But not for one second do I want to prevent you from going to see Ian. I just—I want to stop you from feeling that kind of pain if I can. I was hoping…” He shook his head. “I don’t know. That you wouldn’t have to deal with that on top of everything else,” he said. “But I should’ve known better. Life doesn’t wait to hand you a new puzzle until you’ve figured out the last one.”
“It would be nice if it did, though.” I exhaled roughly. “I can handle this, no matter what happens.”
Casteel touched his forehead to mine. “But you have no idea what the weight of that kind of pain is like. I do,” he whispered. “I know what it feels like to kill someone I once loved and respected. That pain is always there.”
Knowing he was talking about Shea, I resisted the urge to take his pain. “It lessened, though, didn’t it?”
“It did. A little with each passing year, and even more so when I found you,” he confided. “And that’s no lie.”
I curled my fingers into his shirt. “And it will lessen for me because I have you.”
He swallowed and then pulled me to his chest, wrapping his arms around me. “I know it’s selfish of me to not want you to bear that pain.”
“You not wanting that is one of the reasons I love you.” I lifted my mouth to his because saying it wasn’t enough.
And that kiss of gratitude and affection quickly turned into something needier, more demanding. The one kiss quickly spun out of control, or maybe that was the thing about kisses. They weren’t meant to be controlled.
I didn’t know how he got me undressed so quickly, but I was completely nude by the time I managed to pull his shirt off over his head. He caged me in, my back flush with the wall and my front against his. My senses nearly shorted out at the feel of his warm, hard skin.
Scraping a fang over the side of my throat, his hands skimmed down, one stopping on my breast and the other gliding between them, lingering where the bolt had entered me. There was no sign of that now, but I knew he would never forget the exact spot of the wound. His hand continued on over the softness of my stomach and the scars, slipping between the vee of my thighs. His fingers spread out, the pads of his fingertips brushing against the very center of me, sending a jolt through my body.
“You know what I’ve been craving?” He captured my lips in a quick, scorching kiss as his other hand teased the aching peak of my breast. “Poppy?”