Not so much.
Now I was fishing that bag out from under the cabinet and bracing myself. It felt like I was the only non-virginal woman who had ever gotten to my age without having to do this. But here I was, reading the little paper insert in a box to make sure I could pee on a stick correctly. That wasn’t a skill I ever thought I would value, but suddenly it was the most important thing I could do.
Three minutes later, I was staring at the results.
Five minutes later, I was still staring.
Ten minutes later, the little window started to look strange, and I remembered the insert said the results weren’t valid anymore after a certain length of time. Which meant what I saw first wasn’t actually going to change.
What the hell was I supposed to do next?
I definitely wasn’t ready to be a mother, and I knew Matt didn’t want children. He was fantastic with his nieces and nephews, and he talked about them like they were the greatest things in the world. It just wasn’t something he wanted for himself.
With still no answers as to how I was going to handle this, I finally wrapped the test up in the bag and threw it deep in the trash can, then headed downstairs. With any luck, I would be able to play it off and not give anything away to Matt until I figured out what exactly I was going to do.
The other bag Hannah brought me was still sitting on the coffee table, and I sat down on the couch. My legs were feeling shaky, and I was a bit dizzy, but I did my best not to show it. Pulling several crackers out of the sleeve of saltines, I munched my way through them, then followed them up with a couple of pieces of peppermint gum. Hannah reassured me it would help me feel better.
I hadn’t been convinced, but within a couple of seconds of chewing the gum, I actually did start to feel steadier. My stomach started to settle, and I figured I was in for a lot of peppermint gum over the next couple of months.
The flavor was gone from my first set of gum, and I had moved on to a couple of fresh pieces when Matt came in. He was fresh from the shower and smelled clean and warm. He grinned at me when he saw me sitting up on the couch.
“You look like you’re feeling better.” He leaned down to drop a kiss in the middle of my head. “Maybe you feeling sick is all my fault.”
The way he said it was teasing and playful but considering the telltale test buried in the bottom of the trash can upstairs, it didn’t strike me as quite as funny.
“What?” I asked, perhaps snapping a bit more than I intended to.
He looked at me quizzically. “It was a joke. You went and slept in the spare room, and now you’re feeling better. So maybe I’m the one that made you feel sick in the first place. You could be allergic to me.”
The strange look turned back to a smile, and I forced one back in return.
“I don’t think I’m allergic to you,” I said.
“Well, that’s good to hear. Because I definitely intend on spending a whole lot more time with you.”
He leaned down for another kiss, and I managed to push a bit of a chuckle out through my ever-tightening throat. This was probably the prime moment to tell him about the pregnancy test. No introduction. No beating around the bush. No contemplation and laying out a big plan. Just tear off the bandage and tell him straight out so that we could figure it all out together.
I looked right at him, ready for the words to come tumbling out of my mouth. Only, they didn’t. Wherever they were, they stayed firmly there until Matt finally walked away into the kitchen.
“Want some more tea?” he called in to me.
“Yeah,” I said. “That sounds good.”
“Anything to eat? I see you broke into the crackers already, but that’s not exactly food. Can I make you something? Maybe one of the Popsicles?”
I wanted to say no. The idea of food was still not sitting right with me, and even though the peppermint tea did a valiant job of making me feel better, I didn’t know if it was enough to combat actually adding food any more involved than crackers to the mix. But before I could answer, that little plus sign on the test popped back into my mind. It was a stunning realization. This wasn’t just about me anymore.
I might not want food. I might not be hungry. But there was a baby who needed nutrients to grow, and that meant I had to be the one to funnel them to it. I needed to apply as few emotions to that as possible. If I was going to keep this to myself for now, overthinking it wasn’t going to work out for me.