“Did Jordan believe them? Could they be covering for him?” I asked.
It felt like I had started spiraling a little bit. I was reaching, searching for any type of explanation, anything that might at least make me feel like Matt was okay.
“He does,” Hannah said. “He said they sounded worried when he explained what was going on, too.”
I swallowed hard. “Explained what was going on?”
“Not everything,” she said quickly. “They don’t know exactly what’s going on. Just that he left and we don’t know where he is.”
I nodded even though she couldn’t see me. “Okay.”
“Are you doing alright?” she asked.
“I’m fine.”
“Are you lying?”
“Yes,” I said. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. Or what I’m supposed to think. This whole situation is a lot for me, too. It’s like he doesn’t even realize that. Like he thinks he’s the only one who is dealing with anything or having to figure out a whole new path in life.”
“I don’t think that’s it,” Hannah said. “He knows it’s a lot for you, too. He’s just also dealing with you not telling him right away and trying to hide it from him.”
That felt like a kick to the gut.
“So, this is my fault,” I said.
“That’s not what I meant,” Hannah said. “I understand you taking some time to figure out what you were thinking and feeling. That makes sense. I’m just trying to think through both sides. You’re my cousin, Chloe. I love you, and I’ll always be on your side, no matter what. But I also know you’re worried about him. I want you to feel better about what’s going on.”
“I know,” I finally said. “You’re right. I’m really worried. I don’t understand what could have happened to him.”
“I’ll let you know if we hear anything. Try to get some rest,” Hannah said.
“I feel like I slept forever last night.”
“You should still rest. Your body needs it. The baby needs it. Is there anything I can bring you or do for you?” she asked.
“No. Thank you.”
“Alright. Call me if you think of anything.”
We got off the phone, and I went to take a shower. I stayed in there long enough for my fingers to wrinkle, then got out and headed for the kitchen. With a pot of tea and sleeves of crackers sitting on the table in front of me, I relaxed on the couch with an old favorite book pulled up on my phone in digital version.
It didn’t have quite the same effect as flipping through the well-worn pages, but it was still comforting to lose myself in the familiar story again. Almost as though I hadn’t just slept all those hours. I dozed throughout the late morning and early afternoon. It was getting toward the middle of the afternoon when my phone ringing startled me all the way awake.
My first thought was it may be Matt, and I grabbed my phone eagerly. I saw Hannah’s name on the screen and felt my heart sink.
“Hey,” I said.
“You okay?” she asked.
“I was resting like you told me to,” I said.
“I just wanted to let you know we heard from Matt,” she said.
There was nothing in her voice to indicate what kind of emotion I should be feeling in that moment. My heart started thudding in my chest, and I felt shaky.
“You did?” I asked. “Where is he? What’s going on?”
“All I can tell you is that he’s okay,” she said.
“What do you mean that’s all you can tell me?”
I felt a bit of anger growing inside me. I didn’t like being jerked around like this. And worse than that, I was still worried.
“It’s what I know,” Hannah said. “He called and told Jordan he knew we were checking around about him. His mother got in touch with him and told him we were worried, and everyone was looking for him. So, he called Jordan to say he was okay. He didn’t tell us where he was or what he was doing. Just that he was okay.”
“Not when he’s coming back? Or even if he’s coming back?” I asked. “Is he leaving me? Was he not trying to actually talk things through with me when he tried to find me at home yesterday?”
“Why would he be trying to find you?” Hannah asked.
“To end our marriage,” I said.
I didn’t put a voice to the rest of that thought. Sure, Matt’s and my marriage was fake in the beginning. But that wasn’t how it felt anymore. With everything that happened between us and how much we’d grown and learned, I thought everything was real now. Was I the only one who felt that way? Was Matt just putting all the pieces into place so he could end the marriage now and not have to deal with any of it?
Another couple of hours passed. After that call, I couldn’t get myself to fall asleep again, but I wasn’t feeling sick, so I got up and did some laundry. There wasn’t much to do, but it was something to keep my hands and mind occupied. I created more for myself by changing the beds, then decided to take advantage of the morning sickness medication working well to get a couple of easy meals made to have over the next couple of days.