Veronika Decides to Die (On the Seventh Day 2)

Veronika got up and went over to Eduard. Tenderly she smoothed his hair. She was glad to have someone to talk to.

"A long time ago, when I was just a child, and my mother was forcing me to learn the piano, I said to myself that I would only be able to play it well when I was in love. Last night, for the first time in my life, I felt the notes leaving my fingers as if I had no control over what I was doing.

"A force was guiding me, constructing melodies and chords that I never even knew I could play. I gave myself to the piano because I had just given myself to this man, without him even touching a hair o' my head. I was not myself yesterday, not when I gave myself over to sex or when I played the piano. And yet I think I was myself." Veronika shook her head. "Nothing I'm saying makes any sense."

Zedka remembered her encounters in space with all those beings floating in different dimensions. She wanted to tell Veronika about it, but was afraid she might just confuse her even more.

"Before you say again that you're going to die, I want to tell you something. There are people who spend their entire lives searching for a moment like the one you had last night, but they never achieve it. That's why, if you were to die now, you would die with your heart full of love."

Zedka got up.

"You've got nothing to lose. Many people don't allow themselves to love, precisely because of that, because there are a lot of things at risk, a lot of future and a lot of past. In your case, there is only the present."

She went over and gave Veronika a kiss.

"If I stay here any longer, I won't leave at all. I'm cured of my depression, but in Villete, I've learned that there are other kinds of insanity. I want to carry those with me and begin to see life with my own eyes.

"When I came here, I was deeply depressed. Now I'm proud to say I'm insane. Outside I'll behave exactly like everyone else. I'll go shopping at the supermarket, I'll exchange trivialities with my friends, I'll waste precious time watching television. But I know that my soul is free and that I can dream and talk with other worlds that, before I came here, I didn't even imagine existed.

"I'm going to allow myself to do a few foolish things, just so that people can say: 'She's just been released from Villete.' But I know that my soul is complete, because my life has meaning. I'll be able to look at a sunset and believe that God is behind it. When someone irritates me, I'll tell them what I think of them, and I won't worry what they think of me, because everyone will say: 'She's just been released from Villete.'

"I'll look at men in the street, right in their eyes, and I won't feel guilty about feeling desired. But immediately after that, I'll go into a shop selling imported goods, buy the best wines my money can buy, and I'll drink that wine with the husband I adore because I want to laugh with him again.

"And, laughing, he'll say: 'You're crazy!' And I'll say: 'Of course I am, I was in Villete, remember! And madness freed me. Now, my dear husband, you must have a vacation every year, and make me climb some dangerous mountains, because I need to run the risk of being alive.'"

"People will say: 'She's just been released from Villete and now she's making her husband crazy too.' And he will realize they're right, and he'll thank God because our marriage is starting all over again and because we're both crazy, like those who first invented love."

Zedka left the ward, humming a tune Veronika had never heard before.

The day had proved exhausting but rewarding. Dr. Igor was trying to maintain the sangfroid and indifference of a scientist, but he could barely control his enthusiasm. The tests he was carrying out to find a cure for vitriol poisoning were yielding surprising results.

YOU HAVEN'T got an appointment today," he said to Mari, who had come in without knocking.

"It won't take long. I'd just like to ask your opinion about something."

Today everyone just wants to ask my opinion, thought Dr. Igor, remembering the young girl's question about sex.

"Eduard has just been given electric shock treatment."

"Electroconvulsive therapy. Please use the correct name, otherwise it will look as if we're a mere band of barbarians." Dr. Igor tried to hide his surprise, but later he would go and find out who had made that decision. "And if you want my opinion on the subject, I must make it clear that ECT is not used today as it used to be."

"But it's dangerous."

"It used to be very dangerous; they didn't know the exact voltage to use, where precisely to place the electrodes, and a lot of people died of brain hemorrhages during treatment. But things have changed. Nowadays ECT is being used with far greater technical precision, and it has the advantage of provoking immediate amnesia, avoiding the chemical poisoning that comes with prolonged use of drugs. Read the psychiatric journals, and don't confuse ECT with the electric shock treatment used by South American torturers. Right; you've heard my opinion. Now I must get back to my work."

Mari didn't move.

"That isn't what I came to ask. I want to know if I can leave."

"You can leave whenever you want and come back whenever you want, because your husband has enough money to keep you in an expensive place like this. Perhaps you should ask me: 'Am I cured?' And my reply will be another question: 'Cured of what?' You'll say: 'Cured of my fear, of my panic attacks.' And I'll say, 'Well, Mari, you haven't actually suffered from that for the last three years.'."

"So I'm cured."

"Of course not. That wasn't what your illness was about. In the thesis I'm writing for the Slovenian Academy of Sciences"--Dr. Igor didn't want to go into any detail about Vitriol--"I'm trying to study so-called normal human behavior. A lot of doctors before me have done similar studies and reached the conclusion that normalit

y is merely a matter of consensus; that is, a lot of people think something is right, and so that thing becomes right.

"Some things are governed by common sense. Putting buttons on the front of a shirt is a matter of logic, since it would be very difficult to button them up at the side, and impossible if they were at the back.