"It's been that way with our marriage, too," she said. "And I'm exhausted."
"I don't understand. I'm speaking about the spiritual world."
"The only reason I'm able to understand what you're saying is because I know your love," she said. "We've been together for a long time. But after the first two years of joy and passion, every day began to be a challenge for me. It's been very difficult to keep the flames of our love alive."
She regretted having brought up the subject--but now she was going to see it through.
"Once you told me that the world was divided into the farmers, who love the Earth and the harvest, and the hunters, who love the dark forests and conquest. You said I was a farmer, like J. That I walked the path of wisdom, achieved through contemplation. And you said I was married to a hunter."
Her thoughts were pushing their way out, and she couldn't stop herself. She was afraid the star might appear before she had finished.
"And I am married to a hunter. I know that, and its been very difficult being married to you! You're like Valhalla, like the Valkyries. They never rest. They deal only in the strong emotions of the hunt, of taking risks. Of the darkness of night and the taking of prisoners. At the beginning, I didn't think I'd be able to live with that. I, who was looking for a life like everybody else's, married to a magus! A magus whose world is governed by laws I don't even know--a person who feels he is alive only when he is facing challenges."
She looked into his eyes.
"Isn't J. a much more powerful magus than you are?"
"Much wiser," Paulo answered. "Much more experienced. He follows the path of the farmer, and it is on that path that he finds his power. I'll be able to achieve my power only by following the path of the hunter."
"Well then, why did he accept you as a disciple?"
Paulo laughed. "For the same reason that you chose me as a husband. Because we're different from one another."
"Valhalla, you, and all your friends think only in terms of the Conspiracy. Nothing else is important--you're all fixated on this business of changes, of a new world to come. I believe in that new world, too--but, God, does it have to be this way?"
"What way?"
She thought for a minute. She didn't know exactly what he was getting at. "This way that always involves conspiracies."
"That's your word for it."
"But I know it's true. And you confirmed it."
"I said that the gates of paradise are open, for a certain time, to all who desire to enter. But I also said that each person has his or her own path--and only one's angel can say which is the correct one."
Why am I acting this way? What's going on with me? she thought. She remembered the engravings she had seen as a child, of angels leading children to the edge of an abyss. She was surprised at what she had been saying here. She had fought many times with him, but she had never spoken about magic in the way that she was now.
Yet her soul had grown during these forty days in the desert, she had learned about her second mind, she had crossed swords with a powerful woman. She had died many times, and was stronger each time she was reborn.
The hunt actually gave me great pleasure, she thought.
Yes. That's what was driving her crazy. Because, since the day she had challenged Valhalla to the duel, she had had the feeling that she had wasted her entire previous life.
No, she thought. I can't accept that. I know J. He is a farmer-type, and an enlightened person. I spoke with my angel before Paulo did. I know how to speak to my angel as well as Valhalla does--even though the language is still a bit strange.
But she was apprehensive. Perhaps she had been wrong in choosing how she wanted to live her life. I've got to keep talking, she thought. I have to convince myself that I didn't make the wrong choice.
"You need yet another miracle," she said. "And you will always need yet another. You will never be satisfied, and you will never understand that the kingdom of heaven cannot be conquered by force."
God, make his angel appear, because it's so important to him! Make me be wrong, Lord.
"You're not even giving me a chance to talk," he said.
But at that moment, the first star appeared on the horizon.
It was time for channeling.
THEY SAT DOWN, AND, AFTER A BRIEF PERIOD OF RELAXING, began to concentrate on the second mind. Chris couldn't stop thinking about Paulo's last comment--she really hadn't permitted him to talk.