The Zahir

Two more divorces. Free again, but it's just a feeling; freedom is not the absence of commitments, but the ability to choose--and commit myself to--what is best for me.

I continue my search for love, I c

ontinue writing songs. When people ask me what I do, I say I'm a writer. When they say they only know my song lyrics, I say that's just part of my work. When they apologize and say they've never read any of my books, I explain that I'm working on a project--which is a lie. The truth is that I have money, I have contacts, but what I don't have is the courage to write a book. My dream is now realizable, but if I try and fail, I don't know what the rest of my life will be like; that's why it's better to live cherishing a dream than face the possibility that it might all come to nothing.

One day, a journalist comes to interview me. She wants to know what it's like to have my work known all over the country but to be entirely unknown myself, since normally it's only the singer who appears in the media. She's pretty, intelligent, quiet. We meet again at a party, where there's no pressure of work, and I manage to get her into bed that same night. I fall in love, but she's not remotely interested. When I phone, she always says she's busy. The more she rejects me, the more interested I become, until, at last, I manage to persuade her to spend a weekend at my house in the country. (I may have been the black sheep of the family, but sometimes rebellion pays off: I was the only one of my friends at that stage in our lives to have bought a house in the country.)

We spend three days alone, contemplating the sea. I cook for her, and she tells me stories about her work and ends up falling in love with me. We come back to the city, she starts sleeping at my apartment on a regular basis. One morning, she leaves earlier than usual and returns with her typewriter; from then on, without anything being said, my home becomes her home too.

The same conflicts I had with my previous wives begin to surface: women are always looking for stability and fidelity, while I'm looking for adventure and the unknown. This time, though, the relationship lasts longer. Nevertheless, two years on, I decide it's time for Esther to take her typewriter back to her own apartment, along with everything else she brought with her.

"It's not going to work."

"But you love me and I love you, isn't that right?"

"I don't know. If you're asking me if I like your company, the answer is yes. If, on the other hand, you're asking me if I could live without you, the answer is also yes."

"I'm glad I wasn't born a man. I'm very content with my female condition. All you expect of us women is that we can cook well. Men, on the other hand, are expected to be able to do everything--they've got to be able to keep a home afloat, make love, take care of the children, bring in the money, and be successful."

"That's not it either: I'm very happy with myself. I enjoy your company, but I just don't think it's going to work."

"You enjoy my company, but hate being by yourself. You're always looking for adventure in order to forget more important things. You always want to feel the adrenaline flowing in your veins and you forget that the only thing that should be flowing through them is blood."

"I'm not running away from important things. Give me an example of something important."

"Writing a book."

"I can do that any time."

"Go on then, do it. Then, if you like, we can go our separate ways."

I find her comment absurd; I can write a book whenever I want to; I know publishers, journalists, all of whom owe me favors. Esther is just a woman who's afraid of losing me, she's inventing things. I tell her it's over, our relationship is at an end, it isn't a matter of what she thinks would make me happy, it's about love.

What is love? she asks. I spend half an hour explaining and realize that I can't come up with a good definition.

She says that, since I don't know how to define love, I should try and write a book.

I say that the two things are completely unrelated. I'm going to leave the apartment that very day; she can stay there for as long as she likes. I'll go and stay in a hotel until she has found somewhere else to live. She says that's fine by her, I can leave now, the apartment will be free within the month--she'll start looking for a new place tomorrow. I pack my bags, and she goes and reads a book. I say it's getting late, I'll leave tomorrow. She says I should leave at once because, tomorrow, I won't feel as strong or as determined. I ask her if she's trying to get rid of me. She laughs and says I was the one who wanted to end the relationship. We go to bed, and the following day, the desire to leave is not as urgent, and I decide I need to think things through. Esther, however, says the matter isn't over yet: this scenario will simply keep recurring as long as I refuse to risk everything for what I believe to be my real reason for living; in the end, she'll become unhappy and will leave me. Except that, if she left, she would do so immediately and burn any bridges that would allow her to come back. I ask her what she means. She'd get another boyfriend, she says, fall in love.

She goes off to her work at the newspaper, and I decide to take a day's leave (apart from writing lyrics, I'm also working for a recording company). I sit down at the typewriter. I get up again, read the papers, reply to some urgent letters, and, when I've done that, start replying to nonurgent letters. I make a list of things I need to do, I listen to music, I take a walk around the block, chat to the baker, come home, and suddenly the whole day has gone and I still haven't managed to type a single sentence. I decide that I hate Esther, that she's forcing me to do things I don't want to do.

When she gets home, she doesn't ask me anything, but I admit that I haven't managed to do any writing. She says that I have the same look in my eye as I did yesterday.

The following day I go to work, but that evening I again go over to the desk on which the typewriter is sitting. I read, watch television, listen to music, go back to the machine, and so two months pass, with me accumulating pages and more pages of "first sentences," but never managing to finish a paragraph.

I come up with every possible excuse--no one reads in this country; I haven't worked out a plot; I've got a fantastic plot, but I'm still looking for the right way to develop it. Besides, I'm really busy writing an article or a song lyric. Another two months pass, and one day, she comes home bearing a plane ticket.

"Enough," she says. "Stop pretending that you're busy, that you're weighed down by responsibilities, that the world needs you to do what you're doing, and just go traveling for a while." I can always become the editor of the newspaper where I publish a few articles, I can always become the president of the recording company for which I write lyrics, and where I work simply because they don't want me to write lyrics for their competitors. I can always come back to do what I'm doing now, but my dream can't wait. Either I accept it or I forget it.

Where is the ticket for?

Spain.

I'm shocked. Air tickets are expensive; besides, I can't go away now, I've got a career ahead of me, and I need to look after it. I'll lose out on a lot of potential music partnerships; the problem isn't me, it's our marriage. If I really wanted to write a book, no one would be able to stop me.

"You can, you want to, but you don't," she says. "Your problem isn't me, but you, so it would be best if you spent some time alone."

She shows me a map. I must go to Madrid, where I'll catch a bus up to the Pyrenees, on the border with France. That's where a medieval pilgrimage route begins: the road to Santiago. I have to walk the whole way. She'll be waiting for me at the other end and then she'll accept anything I say: that I don't love her anymore, that I still haven't lived enough to create a literary work, that I don't even want to think about being a writer, that it was nothing but an adolescent dream.