Four Real

Knox returns to the main room and pulls his pants on. As if that’s a signal, Ryder gets up and does the same. I wish they would stay the night with me, but I know that’s ridiculous and impossible.

I’m surprised the five of us managed to have sex in my tiny apartment; there’s no way all of us could sleep here together comfortably. Plus they all have to work tomorrow.

Feeling unsettled, I get up and pull my clothes back on too.

When the men leave, each of them gives me a kiss goodbye, slowly and tenderly. They hold me too, one by one, and then they leave.

A few tears fall as I lie in my empty bed, but I’m not sure why I’m crying.

28

Multiple stabs of pain

Separately, all four men text me the next day. Their messages are casual; they ask how I am and tell me they enjoyed last night.

I consider inviting them over again, but I decide they should be the ones to initiate whatever happens next. Not to be shy about it or play games, but it really seems like the next move should be theirs.

The following day, I don’t hear from any of them, though they may be busy with work since tourist season is picking up.

The day after that, in the afternoon, when I’m already cycling through a range of emotions from sadness and regret to anger and embarrassment, I receive a text from Cade. My heart soars at the mere sight of his name on my phone.

Cade: I know this is short notice. Any chance you can come over tonight?

I’d go over there right now. I’d go anywhere he or any of his brothers ask me to.

Me: Sure. What time?

We make plans, and as soon as my shift at the store is done, I go straight to my apartment to shower and get ready. I put on my nicest bra and panty set, and though I keep my clothing casual, I wear my favorite shirt, one that Ryder once complimented.

Cade didn’t give any indication of the night’s events. I won’t mind at all if we have another night like the one at my apartment – who could be disappointed by four men giving them endless pleasure? – but I can’t help but be hopeful that they’ll talk to me about taking our relationship to another level. No more “fake” dating, but a real relationship, and talk of real feelings.

Everything we did together at my apartment felt so very real. It felt like making love. Surely they must know how I feel about them, after what I shared with them.

I’ve heard men can be slow to realize and to confess their feelings, so I know my hopes may not be realistic. Rather than being the one to bring it up, though, I can give them time if they need it.

The brothers are all hanging out in the living room when I arrive. The TV is on, there’s a bowl of chips on the table, and it looks like any other evening we’ve spent together as friends.

“Want something to drink?” Cade asks.

Are they going to pretend the other night never happened?

It’s then that I realize no one’s smiling. They all look pretty grim, actually. A rock forms in the pit of my stomach. The other night was a mistake. A horrible mistake.

They’re worried that I’m going to want more from them.

“Water, please,” I say, my head spinning. I’m going to have to act like none of what we did together meant anything to me. If I want them in my life, I’m going to have to sit here and watch TV with them and pretend that I don’t want them more than anything else in the world.

Trying to keep a quaver out of my voice, I ask, “What are we watching tonight?”

Knox clears his throat and that rock in my stomach turns to ice. “Actually, we need to talk first.” He looks to the doorway, waiting for Cade to return with my water before he continues, and I wish I could just dissolve into a million pieces and disappear from this room.

From their faces and from Knox’s tone, it’s abundantly clear that this talk is not going to be a good one. I know, without a doubt, that they’re going to tell me they regret the other night. They’re going to say that we should stop dating, and that maybe we shouldn’t see each other at all anymore, because things will definitely be weird if we do.

Cade returns, hands me my water, and I perch on the edge of a chair, only because running from the room doesn’t seem like an option.

Knox takes a deep breath. Cade is watching him, but Ryder and Logan are looking at the floor. “We had some news yesterday.”

My brows knit in confusion.