We walk slowly to the car, his warm fingers laced with my sore ones, and I drive home, and he lies his seat back a little.
"You tired, old man?"
He gives a little crooked smile. "I really am."
“Still feeling the heat?” I look at the small crow’s feet around his eyes. Sometimes if he hasn’t slept well for a while, they’ll look a little deeper. “It still a big strain on your day-to-day?”
He snickers. "I know something big that is a strain.”
I flick his forearm gently. “Not an answer.”
He lifts a shoulder. “It's getting a little easier.” His voice sounds heavy. “I'm scheduling that Q&A for next week. I know it's going to be watched…by a lot of people. But I want to do it. I want to be out with you. I need it."
I take his hand.
"I think mostly it just feels awkward. Like wearing new shoes. I don't dislike it. Sometimes I feel uncomfortable. And then it passes."
My stomach sinks, because I hate that this is how he feels about being out with me. But what can I say? It makes sense.
"I know it’s going to be a process,” Sky continues, “but I want it, Vanny. I want nothing more than this. Even if it has those kinds of moments. All I want is you."
I glance at our clasped hands. Did his words sound hollow? I tell myself of course they don’t; I know Sky loves me. Then I try to make him feel good.
"That's the way I feel, too, McD.”
His hand tightens in mine. “I’m still worried this is…too much.” He sucks in a big breath. I stroke his hand as he blows it out. “I don’t want to shove you into the closet.”
"I knew what this would be like, McD. And I'm here for all of it. I just want to be with you. Forever." I swallow after I say it, my throat unexpectedly tight.
"You liked that baby,” Sky says.
"Yeah." I force a smile.
"What would we do if we have one? Did you mean what you said back on the yacht? You would mind the baby some...if I was working at the church?"
Luke
I watch Rayne’s face as I ask. The way his eyes slide to mine, like he’s watching me, too.
“Yeah.” Vance looks thoughtful. “I'd like that. I would still need studio time. But truth, like I said before, I don't usually ever go more than five or six hours. Times I hit a spurt where I need longer hours, we could hire a nanny."
"Maybe I could take off some, too."
V’s lips curl in a little smile I can’t read. "Maybe you could."
"I've been thinking of having someone help me...do some stuff I’m doing now,” I tell him. “I've enjoyed overseeing the foundation, but I don't need to do that; it’s not a must. The school...I'm in charge of that. But why do I need to be? I may elevate some people, try to scale back some."
"You going full-on family man?" V’s tone is teasing, but his face is careful.
"I want to be your man," I tell him earnestly. My throat aches, and not just from sucking his cock.
Rayne’s face blanks out, going slightly dreamy—or maybe detached.
“You still want a big family?”
He smiles. "For sure, Sky babe."
"I still get..." I shake my head. I reach over and touch the scar on his head.
“I know you do,” Rayne says. “But you can't blame yourself. It wasn't your fault.” He runs his hand over his short hair. “Kinda liking this, but if you want the white-guy Jesus look, it's growing back." He wiggles his brows, and I want to kiss those smiling lips of his.
Instead, I blow out a slow breath and ask myself the same thing I ask myself a thousand times a day now: Can I make him happy? Really? Even if I keep on being head pastor?
"Whatcha brooding about?"
I hate to say stuff like this. Hate to talk about my feelings. It’s so…uncomfortable. But I do it. For him. I lift my brows, because it really is awkward, and I feel awkward, and confess, "Just want you to be happy."
"I’m happy,” he says.
"I want to give you everything you want." It's just above a whisper.
"I have everything I want. Sitting by me." His hand squeezes mine. "You get that, right? You are everything I want, and everything I need. You've been the missing piece for me since we met, Sky. I waited because it's all I could do. I came here because I couldn't say no. I want you so damn much. If you think being a little half step in the closet, or seeing you be uncomfortable or worried is gonna make me run off, you're forgetting history. I tried to forget about you and it didn't work. I never could. I'd never want to. I've got all the time in the world."