Communion (On My Knees Duet 3)

"I have a friend who was born without an arm, and no one asked her either. What you get is what you get. And there is beauty in these lives of ours. There's lots of beauty, but we have to swim up to the surface like the mermaid in the Ariel movie. The Little Mermaid, right? We have to swim up and open up our eyes and see it. Sometimes look around for it. We have to want to see it.

"Let me tell you what I've learned, and that's this: There is no way to love yourself from a place of shame and hiding and dishonesty. I think it cannot be done. I've tried, believe me. When I wasn't out, when I wasn't open that I'm gay, I couldn't make any authentic connections with other people who aren't straight. I couldn't meet someone with whom romantic love would be fulfilling for me. Me as someone who desires men.

“Statistics tell me—and they're probably skewed toward people reporting that they're straight when they aren't—but stats tell me ninety-five percent of you watching are women who desire men as partners. You like men because you do, right? You like the little things. The way their hands look. How their hugs feel. Nobody asked you if you wanted to fall in love with men or women. That's just what you got. Me too.

"And men, the ones of you who identify yourselves as straight. You just want women. When you're upset and you think about somebody loving on you, you're probably imagining a woman. Everything about a woman is what appeals. You're sick in the hospital, you're a single guy, you're not going to close your eyes and imagine getting a long, soothing hug from me. If you're a straight man, you probably hope if you're going to be touched or soothed, or get lost on a desert island, it's a woman who's with you.

"These are basic little things. Now, I know there are others of you. Some are bisexual." I hold my breath, but he says, "For you, or you who are pansexual, or you who identify in a variety of other ways. I know this doesn't apply. You could fall in love with a wider variety of folks. And that's good, too. God created every one of us. He didn't create some of us in His image and others of us in an image that's not like Him. He didn't create some of us imperfectly and others as he thought was really suitable. What kind of God does something like that? I don't believe that He gave some of us physical manifestations that are okay, brains and bodies that desire a kind of partner that's okay, while giving others of us a set of desires that make us wrong or sinful. And I definitely do not believe he meant for some of us to be alone.”

I squeeze my eyes shut, wipe at them, and look back up at the screen.

"Sometimes we don't find partners. It's something we mourn, if we want someone but can't locate that certain person. But...to not even be allowed to look? To try? When our bodies desire being with another person physically? To be told that our desires are wrong because they're in the minority. Remember how we talked about the bacon? Lots of us like bacon. And we're eating bacon. Why? Because it tastes good. That's why. If a lot of us liked being with people of the same sex romantically, I'll tell you what I believe: I think a long time ago, we would have decided as a society that that's okay. That this rule some of us perceive to be an ironclad rule is maybe like the bacon one.

"I'm dumbing things down. Those of you who are theological scholars know it. These issues are not this cut and dry. I can get further into theology if someone asks. I'm going to write an op-ed soon on Evermore's website. It would take a long while for me to get through it. And I've talked enough.

"But I want to conclude with this.” He stops, his whole body stilling as he says, “I am a gay man. And I'm not bisexual. I've never closed my eyes at night, in bed, and longed for a woman. I've dated women. And I loved all of them, as much as I could. I regret the ones of them I might have hurt. Because each time, I ended every one of those relationships.”

I swallow hard.

“I didn't think it was fair. I'm a gay man, and I need a male partner. Just the way you need whatever sort of partner you need. I was made by God, in His image. I don't believe I'm less than, or this part of me is sinful. Every part of me is beautiful. Every part of you is beautiful. These are things I've told you for a long time.