“But, I did know.” I stop, and Steph stares at me quizzically. “I did know you needed it fixed. Maybe not that badly because you always kind of spoke about it in abstract when you bought it, and you never said much about it after, until I pulled up to pick you up for the trip, but I did kind of know.”
“Which is why you offered me money to go on the camping trip with you? Because you thought I couldn’t turn it down?”
“No, that’s not really why either. I don’t know why I did that. Desperation? Stupidity? Maybe it wasn’t any of that. Maybe I just really wanted to take you camping, but I knew you wouldn’t agree. Maybe, all along, it was about that.”
“If you wanted to take me out, you could have just asked.”
“If I wanted to take you out, you would have said no. Every. Time.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes.”
She shrugs. “Yeah, you’re probably right.” She looks at the streetlight to check that the no-walk symbol is still flashing up there before she continues. “However, it happened, and I’m glad I went.” Now I’m holding my breath. “Look.” She looks at me as she says the word. Like she’s commanding herself and not me at all. “I…I’m sorry too. I knew what you were trying to say, I think. I mean, after, in the cabin, about needing some time to think. I thought you were just making excuses, and I got pissed because I’m always on the dumping end. Like I told you, I’ve been used before too, and it sucks. I don’t know why I thought you would ever try and do that to me. I was being stupid. Maybe triggers are real. I don’t know. Anyway, I acted really dumb, and I was mean. I was just…I don’t know. Yeah, dumb. And I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay.”
“No, it’s not.” The walk light comes on, and we start crossing the street. My stride is much longer than hers, but she keeps pace, and I slow down slightly to adjust. “It’s not okay. I was moping around my house, pouting, thinking the worst things, and in this huge funk for no reason instead of processing what you said.”
“And the roofers showing up randomly changed your mind?”
“No, but I did start letting myself think more positively as I was showering and driving down here. I started thinking about everything you said, not as a huge no and a slap in the face, but as you trying to tell me the truth and about how you were feeling after a really confusing, shitty thing happened to you. You were bei
ng mature and processing your emotions while I was just being an idiot.”
“No, you weren’t. Believe me, every time someone says the word useless in the future, I’m going to get a mental image of myself because of all those things that were said to me. I know it’s not true, and I won’t believe it, but it will still stir up some unpleasant feelings. That’s not being an idiot. That’s just being real. It’s admitting that people are complicated with complicated wiring and emotions, and it’s real, and it’s okay. You did misunderstand what I was trying to say, but I thought that if I gave you a few days just like you asked, I’d be able to have a more rational and calm conversation when those emotions weren’t so high.”
“That’s a nice way to put it. I like euphemisms.”
I don’t sigh, and I don’t get exasperated. This is just Steph being Steph, and I like Steph because she’s Steph. After we’re across the street, I take a chance and reach for her hand. Her fingers are slightly cold, and I curl mine around them to warm them up. Also, just because it feels really, really good to hold her hand, to touch her, and to be standing here with her right now.
“So, you’re not going to fire me? Find a better assistant? One who doesn’t tell you what to do and where to go all the time? One who doesn’t make things awkward for you by getting feelings involved?”
“What? Of course, I’m not. How could you…” Then I realize she’s joking.
“I did think about asking you for a reference yesterday, and I did think about quitting, but then I also remembered what I said about not going anywhere and not disappearing, and I meant it. I don’t make random promises. When I say I’m going to do something, I actually do it.”
“I know.”
We both just stand there in the middle of the sidewalk, looking at each other. It’s nice to be able to do that, to look at her and be here with her right now. It’s probably the nicest thing I’ve been able to do in my entire life, excluding the past few days because those were truly special too.
“I’m sorry about how I acted, and I’m sorry about the plan. I’m not sorry it turned out the way it did, but I’m sorry for acting like a dummy for so long. It was the worst idea in history, but somehow, it turned into the best weekend of my life. I’m not sorry about that, and I don’t want you to be sorry about it either. I did need some time to process what happened at the end, but it was never meant to hurt you. I never meant I was bailing on you. I don’t make promises lightly either, but I want to promise you that I’m not going anywhere either.”
“I…I…I don’t know how I would have reacted,” Steph says honestly. “No one has ever done anything that mean to me. It had nothing to do with me, but I’m sorry too.”
“I’m not going to change my mind. I’m done with feeling sorry for myself, doubting myself, and letting myself believe that what other people think and say should matter. I’ve wasted a lot of time and a lot of years, but you know what? If I had those time machine socks, I don’t know if I’d change any of it because then, I’m not sure if last weekend would have happened. According to your theory that nothing is fated, you can really mess with the present by altering the past.” I want to say more, and I want to tell her I wouldn’t change anything because being with her is perfect. That I’m looking to the future now and not the past, that I want to do all of it with her, and that it’s just about impossible for me to imagine a tomorrow without her in it, but I don’t want to scare her.
“I like that I’m here with you,” she says softly. Her fingers curl around mine. “I’m really glad. There’ve been so many bumps, but that’s okay too. Bumps are nothing, and potholes are nothing. I mean, they might ruin your rim and part of your car, but everything usually holds together. And if it doesn’t, then you just go and get it fixed. Sometimes, even really garbage streets lead to some really good destinations. There’s this little book shop I like, and it’s on the worst road ever. Just like that. I basically have to knock my teeth out to get there, but when I’m there, I’m super happy.”
“Thanks.” I swallow thickly. “I think.”
She laughs. “That’s supposed to be a compliment.” She reaches up with her other hand and sets it on my cheek. “I think I liked the stubble better, but this is okay, too,” she whispers as she brushes her fingertips over my freshly shaved jawline. “You’ll always be the most handsome man in the room, whatever you do.”
“That’s very—”
“Truthful?” Steph stands on her tiptoes and wraps her arms around my neck. “You suck at receiving compliments.”
“I’ll get better. I’ll get better at everything. At learning what makes you happy because it’s what I want to do, and at learning what makes me happy, too, because I’m going to do that as well. I want to learn all of it, and I want to do all of it. With you.”