Bang Gang

“Darren?” She smiled, and the plate was dripping, hovering between us as I gawped at her.

I took it from her. “Sorry, was a million miles away.”

“Kinda gathered,” she said and smiled.

It made my heart ache.

“You staying for Question King?” she asked. “Celebrity special on a Sunday. I think that guy from the jungle is on. Should be good.”

I nodded. “Righto.”

Nanna took the armchair and I took the sofa with Jodie and the girls. Ruby was on my lap, squirming around the place as she tried to answer all the questions, Mia snuggled in tight to my side. Jodie kept her distance, her legs folded under her, her head on the backrest, trying to pretend she was looking at the TV and not at me.

I know that, because I spent the whole show doing the same.

I had a cup of tea before I went home. I’d have had ten in a row just to prolong that awful fucking moment.

It came too soon, much too soon. Bedtime for the girls, and I’d said goodnight, said I’d be round to pick them up in the morning and take Mia to the bus stop.

It’d been Ruby that had stared at me with glassy eyes, Ruby whose lip started trembling this time around.

“But Dad…” she said. “Can’t you stay? You can stay now, right? Now you and mum are proper friends again…” She turned to Jodie. “Mum, tell Dad he can stay! He can stay with us now, can’t he?”

Jodie looked as fucking gutted as I did.

“Your dad has to get home,” she said. “He’s got work in the morning, things to do.”

“Yeah,” I said, ignoring the lump in my throat. “Got things to do, Rubes. I’ll see you in the morning though, bright and early.”

“But you’re gonna stay with us! You said so! I heard you tell Mia!” Her cheeks were so pink, her eyes so wide. “We can be a proper family now! Like Sophie Pickton’s family! Her dad still lives with her. Selena Murphy’s dad still lives with her, too!”

Fuck how it hurt.

“I gotta go, Rubes,” I said. “We are a proper family, I just got my own place, that’s all.”

“Tell him, Mum!” she begged. “Tell him!”

I wished she fucking would. How I fucking wished.

But she didn’t.

“We’ve all got to get to bed,” she said. “Come on now, Ruby, clean your teeth and get your PJs on. Your dad stayed for Question King, he’s only going home to sleep.”

“He can stay in my room!” Ruby told her. “I don’t mind! I’ll sleep in with Mia!”

“Bedtime,” I said. “Your mum’s tired, Rubes, be a good girl now.”

And she’d cried. She’d cried really fucking hard.

“I thought you were staying…” she said. “I thought… I thought…”

It was the worst fucking feeling. The most soul-destroying fucking feeling.

I needed a cigarette, needed a cigarette so fucking bad I could hardly hold my shit together, but I stayed put, kept breathing.

“A bedtime story,” Jodie said. “Maybe your dad can read you one, if he’s got time?” She looked at me and I nodded.

“I’ve got time.”

“There you go,” Jodie said. “You won’t even notice he’s not staying, Ruby, you’ll be asleep by the time he’s gone, and he’ll be right back round in the morning, won’t you, Darren?”

“Yeah,” I said. “Right back round in the morning.”

Ruby gave a nod and accepted defeat. She went up the stairs with her sister, cleaned her teeth and put her PJs on like a good kid.

“Day from hell,” Jodie said when they were out of earshot. “Talk about an emotional wringer. I could drink a whole bottle of Nanna’s brandy and my nerves would still be shot.”

“It’ll be alright,” I said, but I wasn’t so sure.

Rubes was asleep by the time I’d finished up her Rally Car Racers story, flaked clean out with her mouth open, catching flies. I sat and watched her sleep, just a little while. Flicked on her nightlight before I left.

I said goodbye to Mia, who was back on her phone. She handed it over as I kissed her goodnight. “Mum always takes it,” she said. “Ask her to put it on charge, will you, please?”

I did just that.

Jodie plugged it in, then put the kettle on. I hovered, just in case there was one for me.

There was.

“We need to talk,” she said. “But Nanna…”

I nodded. “I’ll wait.”

We sat at the kitchen table, drinking tea while Nanna watched her programmes next door. I’d smoke out by the back door, come in again and drink another cuppa, on and on until Nanna said her goodnights and climbed the stairs.

We went into the living room, sat at opposite ends of the sofa, and Jodie looked as drained as I felt.

“This is all fucked up,” she said, and I agreed with her.

“The poor girls,” she said, and I agreed with her.

“Whatever this is, we can’t… we can’t let it affect them, we just can’t… it would be…”