But no. I’d seen it in his eyes.
I pulled on my clothes, and he pulled on his, and I said I should get back to the girls, and he agreed. He kissed my head before he unzipped the tent, and I crawled out into the open, burning up afresh as people turned to stare.
Yeah, they’d heard us alright.
Darren didn’t even seem to notice, just clambered out after me and lit up a cigarette. We didn’t speak as we made our way back across the field, smiles bright as we rejoined the others. We sat apart, like everything was just the same, even though it wasn’t.
Nothing felt the same.
I couldn’t drink any more wine, just poured myself a glass of water instead. My belly felt unsettled, and I felt so old because of it, too old to be drinking like I was a teenager anymore.
I called it a night soon after, my eyes lingering on Darren’s as he held up a hand and said he’d see me in the morning.
Oh God, how I wanted him to stay with me.
I climbed into my sleeping bag and my toes were like ice. It took ages to warm up and as soon as I had I was blasted with cold air as Tonya bumbled her way through the tent. She crawled into a sleeping bag at my side.
“Shit,” she said. “I kissed Buck.”
I laughed, and it felt so funny, so right that other boundaries were being blown open in this place.
“Was it like kissing your brother?”
“No,” she said. “And if it was, then I’m an incest convert. It was pretty hot.” She groaned. “I’m going to be hanging like shit in the morning, drank way too much.”
I knew the feeling, even though I’d hardly had any. I felt so sick. Really sick.
Maybe this time really was a dodgy hotdog.
“What now?” I said. “Where’s it going?”
She sighed. “Jeez, Jo, I dunno. He was probably drunk. I’m drunk.”
“Would you want to do it again?”
“Wouldn’t say no.”
I couldn’t stop smiling. “I told Darren I loved him,” I whispered.
I heard her roll towards me. “No shit!”
“Yeah. I really did.”
“And what did he say?”
“He said it back.”
She gasped and hiccupped at the same time, threw her hand to her mouth, eyes like saucers. “You’re fucking kidding me?”
I shook my head, my grin hurting my face. “Scout’s honour,” I said.
“Oh, Jo,” she took hold of my hand. “And you smell of sex. Dirty mare.”
I felt my cheeks burning in the dim light, felt Darren still inside me. Then we both burst into giggles. She hugged me and I hugged her back.
“Tell me,” she said, “I’m all ears.”
But my tummy rolled and I fought back the urge to puke. “I’m really pooped,” I said. “Feel a bit sick. I need to sleep.”
“Cop out.”
“For real,” I said. “I feel like shit.”
“Yeah yeah,” she said. “Goodnight then, lovergirl.”
“Night night, brother-lover.”
I laughed as she jabbed me in the arm.
Darren helped us pack up the tent, giving Ruby a running commentary on the results from yesterday’s racing as he did it. I kept busy, but I was still hanging, the sickness in my belly was worse, and I’d actually thrown up first thing, managing to hold it back until I’d reached a hedge at safe distance.
No more drinking for me, ever.
Darren slapped the side of the car as we pulled away, and I beeped the horn as we drove out of sight. Ruby was in good spirits, but Mia and Daisy were sombre. I’d already told them I’d have to be reporting back to Daisy’s mum. That had gone down like a lead balloon.
We dropped Tonya first, and she grabbed her case with a groan. Seems she was feeling as bad as I was.
I kept things brief with Daisy’s mum, gave her the lowdown without too much drama. She tutted and scowled and told Daisy she should have known better than to be so stupid, and that her privileges of being independent were revoked well and truly.
It was gone lunchtime when we got home. I dumped the tent in the garage and dragged the bags indoors, but left them there, a chaotic pile in the hallway. I just couldn’t face any more of it.
Nanna was happy enough, reading the Sunday paper like we’d never even gone. She’d had fun, she said. Fresh meat to watch Question King with. It seemed she’d had easily as good a time as we’d had.
I wasn’t expecting the rumble of a truck outside, but Darren came round not long after we settled down for the afternoon.
He gave no explanation, and I didn’t ask, just welcomed him in like this was an everyday occurrence. I put the kettle on and told him we were having chicken and chips for tea.
“Sounds good,” he said.
I got on with it, leaving him chatting away to Nanna and the girls in the living room, but he joined me soon after. He took the peeler from me and got to work on the potatoes, making a messy job of it that was very much appreciated nonetheless.