Bang Gang

“You alright?” he said. “You look washed out.”

“Tonya snores,” I said. “And I can’t drink anymore.”

“Thirty.” He smirked. “It’s the big birthday approaching. You’ll have to be teetotal from now on.”

“Seriously feels that way,” I said.

I sipped at my water and took a seat at the kitchen table, and he carried on peeling, flashing me an occasional glance over his shoulder.

“About last night,” he said. “Did you, um, did you mean it like?”

My cheeks prickled. “I… um…” Yes, I meant it. “Yeah… I guess I did…”

“Righto,” he said.

I could have smacked him over the head with Nanna’s newspaper if I had the energy.

I waited but he didn’t say anything else.

“And you?” I prompted. “Did you, um… mean it?”

“Yeah,” he said. He dropped the last of the potatoes in the bowl. “I guess I did.” He sat down at the table alongside me. “We need to work this out, Jo. I don’t know what the fuck’s going on like.”

I sighed. “Me neither.”

“I just don’t wanna get it wrong.”

“Me neither.”

“Alright,” he said. “So we talk, yeah?”

I nodded. “Yeah, we talk.” I looked into the hallway, it was clear. “When the kids are in bed.”

He tipped his head. “Good, yeah.”

It seemed to take fucking forever for the kids to go to bed.

Dinner time seemed more chaotic than usual, but it was probably just down to me feeling off. Mia had homework she’d mysteriously forgotten about through the half-term break, and Ruby was on a mission to watch a film instead of Question King. Nanna took some convincing. I told her she’d have to watch the re-run on catch up, and she relented enough to settle down to watch Ruby’s choice with the rest of us.

Considering it was Ruby’s choice she didn’t last long into it. Too little sleep, for both girls, they were both flaked out on Darren’s shoulders by halfway through.

When they were clearly out for the count, and Nanna was dozing in her chair, I flicked the TV to standby.

I nudged Mia gently and told her to make her way to bed. She moved on autopilot, giving us token hugs before she disappeared upstairs.

Darren lifted Ruby from the sofa and carried her up to bed. I followed and stood in the doorway to watch him, loving how tenderly he lowered her onto her mattress and tucked her in.

I was as pooped as they were, I told him so.

“I’ll go then,” he said. “We’ll do it another time, no bother.”

I reached out for his hand as he made his way towards the stairs. He stopped, stared at me, eyes widening as I led him along the landing to my bedroom door.

I’d have fucked him if I’d had the energy, but all I could do was ditch my clothes and slip into bed.

He undressed without words and climbed in beside me, and he was tense, nervous. It was unlike him.

“What is it?” I said.

“Just this…” he replied. “It’s just… weird.”

“Bad weird?”

He pulled me close, and I felt him shake his head. “No, not bad weird.”

We lay there for ages, wrapped up together. His fingers stroked my hair, his shoulder so solid under my cheek. Just like old times.

I drifted in and out of sleep, but every time I moved he was right there, awake.

I guess he didn’t sleep at all.

I heard Nanna climb upstairs and head into her room. I heard the neighbour’s car pull up after her late night pub shift. I knew the time must be getting on by the time Darren nudged me from half-sleep.

“Am I staying, Jo?”

I mumbled something incoherent.

“I mean it,” he said. “If I fall asleep then this is for keeps. The girls… if I stay, they’ll…”

“They’ll know,” I said, suddenly wide awake.

He nodded. “This has to be for real, Jo. We have to be sure.”

“I know,” I said. “For the girls.”

And for us.

He said nothing, just stroked my hair. The words were crammed in my head. What about Bang Gangs? What about Stacey’s ring in your drawer? Do you really love me, Darren, or are you saying it because you want to come home to your girls every night?

“So?” he said. “Am I going or what?”

“We’ve so much to talk about…” I said. “There’s so much to work out…”

He sighed. “Righto.”

He kissed my head before he left me. I felt so horribly bereft that I pulled my knees to my chest, listening in horror to him pull his jeans on and buckle the belt. He sat on the bed, reached out and squeezed my arm. “Don’t get up,” he said. “I’ll let myself out.”

“This isn’t a no, Darren, it’s a we need to talk first.”

He didn’t say anything.

“Get some rest, Jodie, you look fucking spent.”

I nodded, even though he probably couldn’t see me. “Night, Darren,” I said.

“Night, Jo.”

It took me less than a minute to change my mind and rush onto the landing to call him back.