Bang Gang

Like that had been so successful first time round.

What a fucking idiot.

“I’m sure I’ll be fine,” I said. I grabbed my phone from the sideboard and handed it to her. My nerves were jangling as she tapped away at the screen.

“So, you’ve got your period, right?”

“Sorry?”

She turned the screen. “Saturday, you were due on Saturday, Jo.”

I laughed. “Tuesday,” I said. “I’m sure I should be due tomorrow.”

She shook her head. “Saturday, Jo. You should be cramping all over the fucking place by now.” I didn’t want to look at it. She waved it in my face, and still I didn’t look. “Jesus Christ, Jodie Symmonds, you fucking knew about this.”

“No!” I said. “I didn’t, I just… figured I did…” I stared at her and not at the phone. “First time was… me… I just, wanted to feel him.”

“And the rest?”

I shrugged. “And the rest we just…”

“Fucking hell.” She stared at my belly. “Baby Trent number three. Welcome to the world, little guy.”

“Little guy?”

She smiled. “Odds. I reckon he’ll get a little spanner-wielding son next go. Ruby will be stoked.”

“Stop it,” I said. “Seriously, I’m probably due on any minute.”

“Alright then,” she said. “Let’s go get a test. You’ve got to get Nanna’s pills anyway, right?”

My cheeks were on fire. I nodded.

She handed me my keys.

“This will be nothing,” I said. “Just a waste of a tenner.”

“And if it’s not?”

Oh the sickness. “Then it’s not… and we’ll… I’ll…”

“How are Mia and Ruby going to feel about twinning up? You’ll need the extra room.”

“Bit early for that…” I said. I rolled my eyes.

“Darren Trent only has to stare at you and you’re bloody pregnant, Jo. Wine hangover my fucking arse.”

And what about the rest of the village? Does he only have to stare at them, too?

No. He said he was careful. He told me so.

I cashed out with the test kit and Nanna’s pills and Tonya wouldn’t let up, insisted we head straight back to mine and get it done.

I tried to stall, tried to tell her morning was better, but she’d have none of it.

“Now!” she said. “You’ve been burying your head in the sand bloody long enough, Jodie.” She sighed. “Christ, I sound like your mother.”

I checked Nanna was still entertained by daytime TV before I went to shut myself in the bathroom. Tonya shoved her toe in the door.

“No way,” she said. “I’m not missing the main event.”

“Darren’s normally here… when I do this…”

“Call him, then! We can have a pregnancy test party.”

I retched at the thought. Shook my head. “I think you’ll do plenty, you can be my test buddy this time round.” I reached out and squeezed her arm, and she smiled. She unwrapped the packet, handed me the stick.

“Hope you need to pee.”

I nodded, pulled down my jeans and sat myself down on the toilet. I shoved that test between my legs and pissed like a horse. Probably nothing. This is probably nothing.

My heart was pounding so fast I felt heady. I clicked the little cap on it and handed it to Tonya. She held it away from me.

“It’s probably too early,” I said. “Probably way too early to even know…” I rambled on about dates moving around on that period app and how it was probably nothing, how I’m sure the dates had been different last time I’d checked… probably a glitch… probably just an error on the app… and I’d definitely be careful next time, definitely… I’d buy some condoms myself, totally, a bumper pack…

“Two weeks,” she said. “You’re two weeks pregnant. Baby Trent number three is just a little tiny kidney bean.”

My jaw dropped, and God fucking knows why. Of course I was fucking pregnant. Idiot. I was a fucking idiot.

I took the stick from her, and sure enough, it told me so. It told me in plain English as well. 2 weeks, written across the little screen, not the blue line shit I’d been looking for last time around.

“That’s so early,” I said. “It’s like…”

“Really early,” she said. “You won’t reach twelve weeks until the New Year. That’ll be a nice midnight revelation for the family.”

“Like I’d wait twelve weeks…”

She shrugged. “Wait as long as you want, or don’t. Pregnant is pregnant, Jo.”

“But it’s early…” I said. “Dangerously early to go making crazy announcements.”

“You are going to tell him, right?” Her eyes bored into me. “Like right now, today.”

I put my head in my hands. “I’ll tell him,” I said. “But just… I just need a couple of days. Just to think.”

“Think? Jo, you’re having a fucking baby. He’s gonna have to pull his shit together.”

“And do what?”

She looked at me like I was mentally challenged. “And move the fuck in here, cancel this stupid bloody gigolo crap, and go get a big book of baby names…”

“I don’t want him to move back in because I’m pregnant, Tonya.” The stupidity of my actions hit hard, really bloody hard. “Not when I’ve just… found myself… not when we’re just…”