Bang Gang

He didn’t even reply, but I didn’t have time to worry about that. Too much to do, not enough time.

Mia was still subdued after her rally day drama, said she didn’t want to do Halloween dress up at all this year.

Had enough horror this month already thanks, Mum.

Oh the drama. She was still grounded, moping around without her phone. As if Daisy would be on Skype even if Mia was. Her ass was as grounded as Mia’s.

“Alright,” I said. “Please yourself. Watch TV with Nanna and be good.”

I was out of the door with about thirty seconds to spare, as per usual.

Ruby’s play date was packed full of school mums, and out of the regular schoolyard context it made me feel uneasy.

How many of these women had taken Darren’s cock and paid good money for it? I couldn’t tell by looking at them, would never have been able to tell Debbie Gibson was game for it, probably not Mandy, either.

They could all be getting a piece for all I knew. They could have recurring diary appointments with the guy whose baby was growing in my belly, and I wouldn’t have the faintest idea.

I’d been such a fool to think I could live with that. Such a fool to think I could carry on without giving it a thought.

I gritted my teeth and smiled through the party, made small talk as best I could, but it was a relief when it wrapped up for the evening and I could get home with Ruby. Bath and bedtime were earlier than usual, but I was still pooped. Insanely pooped.

I’m sure I was a million times more tired now I actually knew I was pregnant than I’d been before.

I crashed on the sofa to watch TV with Nanna, and she wasn’t exactly coy with her conversation.

“No Darren this evening?”

“No, Nanna. He’s probably busy.”

Or ignoring me.

“We could do with a strong man around the house, Jo. Good for getting the cobwebs down from the landing.”

“Yes, Nanna. I’ll ask him to get up there with the feather duster next time he’s over. He doesn’t need to move in for that.”

“Not for that,” she said. “It’s just a bit of icing on the cake, love.”

I turned to face her. “You’d be happy with that? Darren moving in here?”

Like I needed to ask. Her smile was bright, creasing her cheeks with happiness. “Oh yes, love. The girls, too. Just think how happy the girls would be.”

I was trying not to think about that. Trying not to ponder fantasies for their sake. The thought of crippling them with grief if it didn’t work out again was too much to take.

I was yawning all the way through her crime programme, couldn’t keep myself awake.

“I’ve got to go to bed, Nanna. I’m pooped.”

I gave her a hug on the way past and she rubbed my back. “You get some sleep, my girl. You look exhausted.”

I felt it.

I checked my phone again before lights out, but there were no messages.

Radio silence from Darren Trent. Maybe things weren’t all that different this time around.

I tried not to think of all the people he might be with, tried not to consider that any of the women at Ruby’s Halloween party could have made a move straight over to his after dropping the kids home.

My hand was on my belly, my thoughts were all with him. They’d always been with him.

I didn’t want to cry, but I did.

I’d never been pregnant and alone before. Pregnant and scared, but never alone.

Christ, what a fucking mess.

I propped a load of pillows at the side of me and flung my arm over the lot of them, pretended there was someone there with me, pretended he was just busy, just busy with normal shit, pretended he wasn’t a fucking gigolo and that things would be just fine.

Halloween night. I could see the Drum through my window, packed to the rafters with people in daft fucking costumes. The urge for a nice cold pint was eating at me, but I didn’t go out. I didn’t want to see anyone, not one single fucking person in there.

I watched shit on TV and looked through the pics of Ruby that Jo had messaged through.

It broke my fucking heart.

I’d had a fair few cans before my phone pinged again, and again it was that fucking Lorraine bitch and not Jo.

Party starts at 7.30. I’d get there at 7.15 if I were you, make sure you’re not late for the action, hey? Maybe you can take Jodie off for some one on one if she’s game for it.

My text back was instant.

You’re a bitter old fucking cunt, Lorraine. Stay the fuck out of my fucking face.

Another ping.

Oh, Darren! Don’t be like that. You and I both know you’ll be there. Sorry if I hurt your feelings, diddums, but I did try to warn you. xx