Bang Gang

She pulled away so quickly that she showered me in gravel.

I was shaking. Really shaking.

I took a seat at the kitchen table and Tonya put the kettle on. I could’ve done with something much stronger.

The girls knew something was up, asked me a load of questions that I answered with a fake smile and a nothing’s wrong, girls.

They gave it a rest after a while, and laptop wars resumed as normal. I let it slide for now, content that the voices were far enough through the house that they wouldn’t hear us talking.

Tonya handed me a tea and sat down opposite. “I can’t believe it. Lorraine! What an absolute skank.”

“She hates him… she always has… I just can’t…” I shook my head. “I cried on her shoulder so many times, Tonya. Told her everything. Everything.”

“Turns out she had her own fucking agenda, doesn’t it?”

I kept breathing, kept calm for the sake of the girls and the plus-one in my belly. “I knew he was a gigolo. I knew the shit he does. I just… Lorraine.”

Tonya waggled her finger. “Uh, no way, Jo. No fucking way. Don’t make excuses for him, this crap was well out of order. Well out of order. I mean that stupid cow Mandy was one thing, but Lorraine?! Your boss Lorraine, your friend Lorraine. He should have fessed up about this shit long before now.”

I shrugged. “I didn’t ask. I didn’t push him.”

“You shouldn’t have had to ask, Jodie. He should fucking know better.”

“She said years.” I put my head in my hands. “It’s been going on years and I didn’t even know it.”

“So she says.”

I met her eyes. “I saw it in his face, Tonya. It’s been going on years, believe me.”

“Well, more fool him. More fool her, too. There’s no doubt she was paying for it.” She paused. “You do know that, right? He clearly hasn’t got feelings for her. This is just a job to him.”

I didn’t know anything. Didn’t even know where to begin working out what I did actually know. I shrugged.

She sighed. “He wants you, Jodie. He’s a fucking idiot, but he wants you.”

“I’m not so sure about that.”

“He said he thought you’d be there… that’s why he was there.”

“I told him I’d be there.” His messages flashed in my mind and I groaned. “Shit. He asked me if I was at Lorraine’s seedy sex party. I thought he was just being funny.”

“She planned this.” Tonya scowled. “All of it. Everything. She knew he was gonna be there. She set you up… set him up.”

The betrayal smarted. It really fucking hurt. “Why would she do that?”

“I guess she wants him. I guess he’s not such a useless disgrace of a man after all.”

The thought of her having him made me feel sick. The whole thing made me feel sick. “I trusted her.”

“Yeah, well, maybe he did, too.”

I shook my head. “If he’s been seeing her for years it must mean something.”

“Money under his bed, that’s what it means.”

“Maybe.”

“Definitely.” She took a sip of tea. “You gonna talk to him?”

I shook my head. “Not yet. I’ve got to think first.”

“Think about what?”

I shrugged. “About me, the girls, the baby… about how we’re going to cope without the cafe wage. About getting over him.”

“Is that what you want?” She looked so horrified.

“No, of course not. But I can’t… not now I’ve seen it… not now I know what this gigolo stuff actually means. I can’t walk down the street and pretend it’s ok. I can’t turn a blind eye and pretend it doesn’t matter to me if he’s fucking for money every night of the week. I can’t pretend that knowing he’s been fucking Lorraine for years doesn’t make a difference. It makes a difference. I don’t think I can even look at her again, not ever.”

She let out a sigh. “She’s really fucked things up for you.”

“Maybe they were fucked up anyway and I just didn’t know it.”

“Sounds like you think she’s done you a fucking favour, Jodie.”

I felt the venom, my hands shaking again. “Oh no, no. I don’t think she’s done me a fucking favour, Tonya. She’s dead to me. She’s no friend of mine.”

“Good,” she said.

I looked at the clock. “I’d better get those girls to bed.” She squeezed my hand as I stood from the table.

The girls went about their bedtime routine without too much backchat, and I was grateful. I think any extra hassle would have sent me over the edge.

Nanna must have sensed something was wrong. She took herself off to bed early and gave me a nice big hug on the way.

I pottered around as usual, doing the girls’ lunch boxes and feeding the cat.

“Just stop, Jo,” Tonya said. “Give yourself a break.”

“Life goes on,” I said. “Just got to keep on keeping on.”

“No,” she said. “You fucking don’t, Jodie. Just give yourself a bit of time, will you?”