Paradise Lost (The Vampire Diaries 20)

And tasted the eternal joys of Heaven,

Am not tormented with ten thousand hells,

In being depriv’d of everlasting bliss?”

I tasted the eternal joys of heaven with Elena. If God exists, He was behind her return from the dead. I used to be so happy, and I didn’t even appreciate it properly. Now I’m like someone who’s lost an arm or leg, but can still feel it, and it hurts. My phantom heart is eternally caught in an agonizing, muscle-clenched position.

I gave it all to Damon, everything that was best about my life. I did it of my own will. Worse, I’m the devil in Mrs. Flowers’ prophecy. I’m thoroughly damned. When I let my thirst for Elena’s blood take over, I committed an unforgiveable sin and lost my right to Paradise.

Of course, after that all he could think about were lines from John Milton’s Paradise Lost.

For Elena:

Grace was in all her steps, heaven in her eye,

in every gesture dignity and love.

For what they had had together:

Wild above rule or art, enormous bliss.

And for his prospects now:

Farewell happy fields, where joy forever dwells:

Hail, horrors, hail.

Hail, horrors, hail! The words kept echoing inside Stefan’s head, like a cheap special effect. He realized that however awful he felt right now, there was worse in store.

Once I regained my senses I didn’t have a choice. I did what I had to do, he tried to tell himself sternly. Damon’s the only one who can protect her as she needs to be protected. And he gave me his solemn word . . .

Thinking about that, about what it meant for Elena, Stefan leaned his head back against the oak’s trunk. He could have groaned out loud, but there was no one to hear but the mice and other nocturnal creatures that scuttled on the ground and all about him.

He forced his body to relax, limb by reluctant limb. He was hoping to find some peace in the black oblivion of sleep.

His mind kept echoing the words, refusing to let go.

Hail, horrors, hail.

“The mind is its own place, and in itself can make

a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven…”

? John Milton

To be continued in

Evensong

Part Two:

The War of Roses

L. J. Smith, The Vampire Diaries: Evensong: Paradise Lost