The aftermath is awkward, for me, at least. Jagger pulls out of me slowly and I wince, feeling every bit of his absence. He helps me get on my feet and once I’m up, I pick up my things and idle for a second. Thankfully, he walks to the bathroom and I disappear into my bedroom and wait until I hear him finish with the bathroom before I go in there. While I’m washing my hair, I try to figure out everything I should say to him when I see him, but come up blank. I don’t know what it is about him that makes me think I can’t do casual with him. Maybe it’s because he was my first and they say you never forget your first. Maybe I actually like him more than I want to admit. My answer comes when I walk out of the bathroom and Jagger’s nowhere to be found. This is good. I don’t have to say anything at all. This is what I want. I just didn’t expect it to make me feel this empty.
Chapter Twenty-One
Jo
I couldn’t sleep. I got up at five and noticed Jagger’s door was ajar and he wasn’t in the house, and that made me go down a rabbit hole of what-ifs, one I’m all too familiar with, since it’s the same what-ifs that haunted me throughout the majority of my relationship with Lawrence. What if I did something wrong? What if he decided what we did was a stupid mistake? What if he regrets me? I left as soon as I could, taking an Uber to the restaurant to pick up my car and gathering my thoughts on the way to math class. Now I’m sitting here, chewing off my cuticles, wondering if I should’ve come today. Needless to say, no thoughts were gathered on the ride over.
I keep replaying last night in my head. The way he looked at me, the way he kissed me, the way he touched me, and I can’t stop feeling things I’m not ready to feel. I can’t remember feeling this way with Lawrence, although I’m sure I must have in the beginning, but that was before everything that happened to spoil what once was and in truth I can barely remember how things were before they turned tumultuous. The class started filling in and I spot Jessa talking to a friend as they take their seats in the middle of the room. I wonder if things will be awkward or if she’ll just ignore Jagger altogether. Why do I care? I don’t know, but I do.
Jagger walks into the room just seconds later and my heart launches into my throat. He’s wearing a black T-shirt and jeans and his hair is slicked back, obviously wet from a shower. I bite my lip just thinking about what’s underneath all of those clothes. I bite it harder when he turns those eyes in my direction and holds my gaze. He doesn’t smile, doesn’t do anything at all that screams we had sex last night, and yet, as he walks over to me and takes a seat in the empty chair beside me, I feel like everyone knows.
“You left early.” He stretches his long legs and leans back in his chair, turning his face to me.
“I left early?” I raise an eyebrow. “You left earlier.”
“I went for a run.”
“A run? It was still dark out.”
“Five. Five miles at five.” He says it like it’s totally normal to run that many miles at any time of day, but I guess for him it is. I used to run three every day, now I’m down to one if I’m lucky. I swallow.
“I left to pick up my car.”
“I would have taken you.”
“I know, but I didn’t know where you were or whether or not you were coming back so . . .” I shrug, licking my lips. His eyes go there, so I look away, my face burning with memories.
“You regret last night.” His voice is low, but hard, and when I look at him his jaw is tight and his eyes are cloudy and I know he’s pissed.
“I didn’t say that.”
“You don’t have to.” He faces forward and before I can say anything else, the professor starts speaking.
The entire class, I have a knot in the pit of my stomach and I hate it. I hate that he thinks I regret it. I want to scream that I don’t regret it at all, it’s just . . . it’s a tricky situation and I don’t want to develop feelings for him. He’s a master at casual hookups and I’m a novice. I just need time to catch up. When class is over, Jagger bolts out of the room like his feet are on fire and I don’t get the chance to remedy what happened. My phone buzzes and I see Lawrence’s face on the screen. I push the side button to ignore the call and sigh heavily. I still haven’t signed the paper.