Dirty Secret

Cam: Yes. I felt guilty. Even though I was a kid, who didn't quite get the nuance, I knew I wasn't supposed to be happy about my friend's loss. But I was. I got all his attention.

Sienna: And you kept it until he went to college?

Cam: About that.

Sienna: So you were jealous of Ty's new friend?

Cam: Yes. But I didn't realize it at the time.

Sienna: What did you think?

Cam: That this guy was an arsehole.

Sienna: Was he?

Cam: He was a smug braggart.

Sienna: Your territory.

Cam: That's how I know.

I can see it. Young Cam, wanting to impress his cousin, wanting to have all his attention.

Seething when a new friend showed up but hiding it behind his effortless poker face.

Sienna: What happened?

Cam: He went back to school. I stayed home.

Sienna: Is that the end?

Cam: I hated the arsehole until they graduated.

Sienna: Did you go to the same university?

Cam: No.

Sienna: And now Ty lives in New York.

Cam: He's marrying a New Yorker.

Sienna: We're pretty great. You can't blame him.

Cam: No. I can't. I've never seen him this happy. But I still feel the loss of it. I had four years after Ian fled London, where I had Ty all to myself.

Sienna: Wasn't he engaged to someone else?

Cam: Yes, but it wasn't like with Indigo. He was trying to be someone else.

Sienna: So you still felt like you had him to yourself?

Cam: I still took him out. Made him play wingman.

Sienna: He's kind of hot for that.

Cam: But he beckons the serious girls. Then he mentions his fiancée, and they turn to me.

I can see it. The two of them at some crowded London club, sipping gin and tonics, Cam getting handsy with a woman in a short dress.

Ty trying to have an intellectual conversation and tiring of the atmosphere.

Sienna: I guess I'm lucky with Indigo staying here.

Cam: You are. You still have her close.

I really am.

Even with everything changing, she's only three flights up.

His closest confidant is settling on the other side of the Atlantic.

Cam: I'm happy for Ty. Painfully happy. But it's still hard, knowing he's never coming back to London. Knowing he won't be my work partner, my drinking buddy, my football competition.

Sienna: You could move here.

Cam: Never.

Sienna: Is that what Ty said?

Cam: Of course.

Sienna: But he moved here.

Cam: For love. Not because it's the better city. London is.

Sienna: What if you fell in love?

Cam: I won't.

Sienna: Hypothetically.

Cam: I can't imagine a universe where that happens.

Sienna: Really? You're that incapable?

Cam: Yes.

He's not bullshitting. He means it.

I press my cell to my chest. Suck in a deep breath. Try to gain control of my senses.

I'm not sure what we're doing, but I really like talking to Cam.

He understands how I feel. I'm happy for my sister, beyond happy, but I'm scared of everything changing too.

I'm scared of losing her.

Maybe that's the point of a bachelorette party. Maybe it's for the friends and family who don't want life to change.

I want to celebrate her wedding; I want to embarrass the hell out of her.

It's one night in Cam's presence without touching him.

It isn't that difficult.

Is it?

Chapter Eighteen

Sienna

Soccer practice steals my attention. For three hours, I run, dribble, block.

Then, I go home, heat leftover pasta for dinner, shower, try to concentrate on homework, think of Cam.

All week, it's the same.

He occupies my mind from the moment I finish practice to the moment I start my next practice. Sure, I find breaks to listen to my professors or complete math problems or study Psychology.

But he's there, at the back of my mind. And when I actually put my homework away and try to watch TV—

I barely absorb a word.

We text. He sticks with his promise. He doesn't flirt or tease me about sex or hint he'll ruin me for other men.

He doesn't mention his jealousy or other women or Ty's edict.

Instead, we discuss soccer and coffee and The Good Wife (he's watching in his hotel room and he's sure I'd never make it past the first episode).

And Ty and Indigo and their party.

And what time I go to sleep.

And why I sleep in too late.

And how I'd much rather have him in bed with me.

Okay, I keep that to myself. And I try to keep my thoughts platonic, really, but every night, I fall asleep thinking of his body against mine.

Indigo's wedding colors are ink purple and dark, dark blue. Not really my colors—I look better in warm tones.

A few weeks ago, I picked out a purple dress. A flared A-line with a satin skirt and a whole lot of cute younger sister vibes.

Perfect for extending an olive branch to Cam, for saying of course, we're just friends.

I channel the look as I fix my hair and makeup.

Elegant chignon. Check.

Concealer, blush, brow pencil. Check.

Bronze shadow, brown liner, mascara. Check.

And the finishing touch—

Red lipstick.

Only the lipstick isn't cute or sweet.