A throat is cleared from behind me, followed by, “Anders,” in a stern voice.
Fuck.
It’s Per.
I rip myself away from Shay, breathing hard, and turn around to see him at the entrance to the barn, not looking too pleased. Then again, that is his natural face.
“Put her back where she belongs,” he says, motioning to the cow, though for a moment I think he also means Shay. Then he nods at Shay and says in broken English, “I need help with a sheep.”
I glance at Shay and she’s nodding back at him, smoothing down her hair. “Sure. Of course.”
She gives me a wary glance, her eyes looking haunted and strained, enough to set my heart on edge, and then she pushes off the wall and strides toward Per.
I watch as they walk off together into the bright light outside, their silhouette’s disappearing.
I rub my lips together, still tasting her.
I think we just crossed that line into complicated.
13
Shay
Then
Oh god, I’m going to be sick.
I haven’t thrown up since I was seven years old and had the stomach flu, and I really don’t want to break that streak.
But my streak is over. The time is up. I leap from my bed, throwing off the covers, my fingers clamped over my mouth as I run for the bathroom, dropping to my knees. I barely get my head over the toilet before I’m heaving and vomit fills the bowl with sickening noise.
Gross. So, so gross!
I feel a mix of disappointment for not holding back harder and worry, because, well, why the hell am I puking?
Nerves, I tell myself. It makes the most sense. I woke up with my heart being squeezed, this feeling of total dread in my chest like something was terribly wrong.
Only, there isn’t anything wrong. At least, nothing new.
I mean, okay, I haven’t seen Anders for a week or so. He’s practically ignoring me at school, and when I do see him it’s just a glance in the hallway. I never thought I would say this, but the Viking isn’t looking too good. Dark circles, stringy hair…I’m starting to think he might be on drugs, which would explain a lot, but I certainly hope it’s not true.
I’m at the end of my rope. I’ve texted him plenty of times, stalked him on Facebook, and when I do get a hold of him he tells me he’s been really busy (won’t say with what!) and that he’ll let me know when he’s free. Doesn’t explain why he pretends not to see me when I’m staring him right in his face.
I really thought that we were moving forward. After our stunt in the community pool (which I am deeply disappointed that no one has been gossiping about), we were back to hanging out almost every day. And more sex. I mean, it’s not been exactly the same as it was before, there’s this strange sense of detachment and he won’t look me in the eyes, but I’m just so glad he’s still with me, that we’re still a couple. I really thought for a while that he was going to break up with me and I couldn’t imagine anything worse happening. My whole world would split in two and I would be torn apart.
But I’ve been giving him space. It’s what Cosmo says to do. Girls are clingy, women know when to let the man do the work. I want to be a woman here, not some teenage girl in love. I want to give him all the space he needs, do all the things right. Be perfect. I can do that, right?
I slowly get up from the floor and flush the toilet before I can get another glimpse of my vomit and have it happen all over again. I quickly rinse out my mouth and brush my teeth until the acidic taste is gone and then splash cold water all over my face.
Thankfully it’s Saturday and I don’t have anywhere to go. Everly is out of town with her family, and with Anders pretending I don’t exist, I only have myself for company.
Actually, that’s not true. There’s Hannah, but I won’t see much of her. She already told me she’s studying all weekend. Which is something I guess I should do, considering I have a science final coming up, but I feel too sick to concentrate on schoolwork right now.
I lie down on my bed, fetal position, trying to breathe in and out, hoping the nausea will pass. Last night we had Chinese food, but I got what I always get, and don’t you usually get sick right away if it’s food poisoning? This morning I had cereal, but again, nothing unusual.
While I’m trying to ponder my food choices as of late, I feel another hit of nausea roll through me. I run to the bathroom again, making it just in time.