The Insiders (The Insiders Trilogy 1)

I—I had more.

Who was he to make me feel alive? safe? protected?

Who was he to pick me up?

Who was he to make me feel things I shouldn’t?

But I couldn’t ask any of those. If I did, game over. I’d be giving him everything in me, and I couldn’t do that. Everything else had been stripped from me.

I turned away, hugging myself. The tighter I grabbed the back of my arms, the harder I tried to hide.

“Bailey.” A soft request from him.

My heart ached. Even that sound from him dug through my pain and pulled on that organ I needed to live. I started shaking my head. I couldn’t look at him anymore. I did, I was done. Not now.

I was too exposed.

My insides were twisting around. He wasn’t going to tell me. I knew him. I blurted out all those questions for no reason. He wouldn’t let me in. He wouldn’t share, and I was slowly dying of embarrassment.

I needed to get out. Now. I needed to get away from him.

Retreat. Back up. Run!

“Anyways.” Thank goodness, my voice came out chipper and upbeat, so not what I was feeling. I shouldered past him. “I’m hungry. You ready to go?”

I got two steps. His hand touched my arm. I tried to pull free, pretending it wasn’t there, but it only tightened, and he drew me back to him. Not all the way to him. Oh no, because that would’ve helped. I think? Maybe not. He pulled me just enough so it was still mortifying as he was looking down at me. I could feel the concern from his eyes, even though I wasn’t looking. I looked, and I’d fold. It was taking everything in me to keep from lifting my head up, so I kept my eyes trained on his chest.

He shifted closer.

So not helping.

His hand began running up and down my arm, soothing, feeling nice, and the flutters were back. Damn it.

“Look.”

No. If I did, I was a goner.

“I know things are in a weird place between us.”

I wanted to scoff. “Weird” was putting it mildly. But I kept my lips pressed tight. No sound came out.

He tugged me even farther in, until my head was against his chest. That hand moved to my back, and his other arm wrapped around me, resting on the small of my back. He began rubbing up and down.

Did that have to feel so good?

He rested his chin on top of my head, then turned so it was his cheek instead. “I know you have questions about me. I know last night was intense.” His arms tightened around me. “I know there’s a lot of other shit happening right now. Just, trust me?” He pulled back. His finger was under my chin, and he tipped my face up. Our eyes met. His hand moved to cup my cheek and his thumb smoothed over it. “I want to get these assholes, and then you and me, we’ll figure everything out. Okay?”

I didn’t know what that meant, but he was so fierce. I whispered back, “Okay.”

He dipped his head, his lips finding mine, and I gave in.

I was gone.

THIRTY-TWO

“We are never going to find these kids.”

I elbowed Matt later that night, tiptoeing through the mausoleum. Why I was tiptoeing, I had no clue. The seeker in this game didn’t need to be secretive, but there we were, at nine at night. After two large pizzas, after Ferdinand had been watched, after Marie and Theresa went home, after the night nanny was on duty, Kash had the brilliant idea to play hide-and-seek.

Seraphina and Cyclone squealed and took off.

And two seconds after they were gone, Matt rounded on Kash. “Are you kidding?! You grew up here too. This place has a million hiding spots. And we’re trying to get them to bed.”

Kash gave him a smug look. “Relax. What do you think happens to a hyper kid after pizza, swimming, a movie, and he has to stay in the same position while waiting to be found? He falls asleep.” He smacked the back of Matt’s head. “You’re it.”

“Hey!” Matt glared, ducking his head down, but Kash was heading down another hallway. “Hey! Where are you going?”

“Hiding.” Kash didn’t look back, jogging and turning another corner.

“We are really screwed if we have to find that guy.”

Kash’s idea was solid. I tapped Matt’s wrist, jerking my head forward. “Come on. Kids usually aren’t too brilliant about where they hide. Under beds, behind doors, behind a post.”

Matt snorted, trailing after me. “You’ve never played this game with a little genius.”

I started to laugh, but then stopped. He was right.

“Yeah. See.” Matt was reading my face. “This was a bad idea. It’ll take us hours to find ’em, and how do we know if they’re still alive by then? They could be hiding in a freezer. Or—”