Finding Solace

“How can I not kill him? How do I stand here and listen to the pain he’s caused and not want to destroy him? Tell me, Delilah, because I’m so close to following through.”

I step outside and sit on the top step. “I know you are. I was too at one point.” I laugh humorlessly to myself. “At many points. As for you, I need you too much to let you spend your life behind bars over me.”

He stops and looks back at me. “Billy said he took you to the ER once . . .”

“Billy shouldn’t have said anything.”

“Why?”

“Because you can’t fix it. This anger coursing through you . . .” I take his hands to try to settle his anxious energy. “It’s fruitless. It happened, and nothing can be done about it now. I’m divorced. He’s out of my life.” I think back to finding him in my kitchen. “Hopefully for good.”

Taking my face between his hands, he looks into my eyes and studies them as if he’s discovering new colors inside. “You don’t believe the lies you tell yourself. Why would I?”

“I’m not lying.”

“Okay, then you’re fooling yourself into believing you’re safe when you’re not.”

He sighs, appearing to calm down. Backing up, he goes to the back steps and sits down. “What kind of vehicle does he drive?”

His question is so far out of left field that I struggle to link the train of thought. “Um, a Ram. A black Dodge Ram truck.”

“Shit,” he says, looking disappointed.

“What?”

His body language changes, his shoulder span, a bit wider, harder like his jaw is. “I don’t think it’s a big deal, but I saw a car parked in front of the farm one night. I thought it might be Cutler.”

“Was it a BMW?”

His stare hits me hard, and he stands. “Yes.”

“I forgot. He has a BMW, but he rarely drives it except for work meetings. He bought it when we were together, but we couldn’t afford it, so it became another source of contention.”

“How often does he drive by?”

“I don’t know. I’ve not seen him drive by, but I’m not really watching for him.”

“The divorce has been finalized for a few months, but have you seen him since then?” When I hem too long, he says, “Tell me, Delilah.”

Trust. Honesty. Security. No secrets. That’s what love is. “He came by the other day. It was the first time since I saw him at the courthouse.”

Steepling his fingers together, he runs them up the bridge of his nose, struggling to contain his rage, but trying his best. This I can relate to. “He’s a fucking dead man already, so be honest with me. You didn’t burn the cobbler, and you didn’t break your mom’s plate. That’s when he was here, wasn’t it?”

I feel ashamed that I didn’t handle myself better that night. Will Jason see how weak I really am and leave? “I told him to leave. I don’t think he’ll be back.”

“He’ll be back. He’s obsessed with you, but I also think he’ll be back because I am. He hates losing, but to me, it’s as if his whole world revolves around securing that victory.”

“He needs to hold it over your head.”

“We won’t let him.” The vein that was bulging at his temple eases, and he asks, “Why didn’t you tell me that night at my mom’s?”

“I knew you’d be upset.”

“Not with you.”

I cross the yard and lower my voice. “I knew you’d go after him, and I don’t want you getting hurt because of me.”

The laughter comes from deep within, too big to hold inside. “Trust me, baby, he can’t hurt me.”

“He’s volatile. Angry and possessive. He’s an alcoholic who makes everyone else pay the price for his failures. He’ll start a fight with you.”

“Let him. I can handle Cole Cutler.”

“Things are finally starting to settle down with him.” I pause and look away momentarily. He knows me too well and can spot when I’m lying, so I try to hide my eyes, but I can’t hide forever, and I have to share my worries with him now. “Don’t start a fight with him. Promise me,” I plead.

“I promise I won’t start a fight with him, but I will finish one, once and for all. This has been going on too long. It’s time to put an end to it.” Pulling me into an embrace, he hugs me and then dips me. With my head resting in his hands, and my heart on the line, he says, “And I promise you right here, Delilah Noelle, I’ll give you the ending you deserve. The one we’re owed.”

He kisses me slowly as if we have all the time in the world. Maybe it’s possible for us to find the peace we’re both searching for. It sure feels it when we kiss like this.