“Fuck off, pank.” he grunts, cursing under his breath at my use of the word punk in Russian. The truth is, I am tired of this life. I have known for quite some time it is not for me. The problem is, no one walks away without losing something and for me, my brother and mother are all I have.
“Are you ok, Vik?” he asks me. His voice is concerned. I look up at him and he grimaces. He is the only person I would allow to see the dissatisfaction and unease on my face.
“No. Len. I want out.” It was not the intention to say it out loud, but the moment I do, I feel like I just loosened my collar. Hell, just voicing it has provided me with oxygen.
“I have been waiting for this day.” my head whips up, starring at him, not sure I heard him correctly. “Don’t look at me like that. You never had the heart for this Vik. I know the only reason you took over here was to protect us from father. Me and mom owe you our lives. But first, you need to live yours. Maybe have a family.” he shrugs his shoulder like it is a forgone conclusion. He is partially right.
I never wanted this, but it was our shield if you will. Unbeknownst to anyone other than my brother, I have been growing my legitimate portfolio for about ten years. Under an umbrella company, using my mother's maiden name and the non-Russian version of my name, I buy failing companies and corporations, clean them up, ring them back to life and sell them. That is where my heart lies. I have also opened up several houses for abused women, provide them with security and scholarships for school and other things. My brother and I witnessed firsthand my father's rage, both emotional and physical. He used to beat us and my mother, even putting her in the hospital when we were still in Russia. I had to become someone else to get us out.
“Brother, even out of the life, I wouldn’t bring a family into this. Besides, how would I walk away?”
“You could pass it to me.” he says so nonchalantly that it sounds like he told me just sneezed.
“Lenin?”
“Don’t sound so abhorred. I have always known this would keep you rested for your entire life, and I have always known this organization would be mine. I learned at the hand of our father, him taking me to his warehouse, watching him and his men torture and kill people. I found my release there, Vik. I discovered who I was watching him. I just didn’t want the monster part of him. I knew there was a way to be Bratva, without being Satan. Like what we do, when we help women and children. The donations you make to schools and libraries. That gives me something to be proud of. But at the core of this, is the me that feels at home in this life.” My throat is clogged with an emotion closed to failure. If he has found comfort in this dark life, I did something wrong.
“Lenin, this is not what I wanted for you.”
“I know that big brother. All these years you have made the ultimate sacrifice to make sure I had education and a chance for something different. You sent to me college and gave me an education, all while showing me how to build my wealth. I will never be able to thank you for that. Now, though, big brother, it is time for you to find your happiness and let me take this off your back.” I don’t know whether to be proud of him or pissed that he sees this as a life to live. Knowing I can’t say anything else right now, I change the subject.
“Did you get the file on Vastiya?”
“Yes. It will be in the car so you can look at it on your way. I can’t believe you are really going to go through with this. I mean, how do you really thing it is going to work? Sure, mom will be pleased for a moment until she feels it has been long enough for babies. What then?” he asks the very question that has been rolling around in my head.
“I don’t fucking know, Len. One step at a time.” he nods and gets up. I see the time and make my way to the car. The file is right where he said it would be. My head hits the back of the seat and I close my eyes. I have spent most of the day either knee deep in bullshit or trying to not back out of this. Something in my life needs to be quiet and the only way to get my mom to shut up is this?