Love You Always

I wonder what Ethan is doing is my next thought. It always is. I think about him before I fall asleep every night and first thing when I wake up. Most nights I dream of him too. But I’m used to not having what I want. Growing up the way I did, you get very acquainted with being disappointed and alone. Sure, there were people that cared for me in the very basic way that one cares for a child. They provided me clothes and food, most of the time anyway, but none of them ever provided me love.

I never felt wanted, so now with all of these things that are happening with Ethan, I don’t know how to really handle those emotions. Trust is another one of my weaknesses. Too many times it was broken by adults, leading me to be wary of everyone. I close my eyes and try to rid my mind of all of these thoughts. It’s way too early for me to be swimming in all of this.

“Morning.”

I scream and sit up in my bed at the sound of Ethan's voice. He stands in the doorway of my bedroom, leaning up against the wall. Before I can fully comprehend that he’s in my apartment, I jump from the bed, my hand flying over my mouth as I run to my bathroom. I dry heave into the toilet with nothing coming out.

Warmth fills my back as Ethan sits down behind me, his hands rubbing my back. I lean into him, my body seeking his warmth. I’m too exhausted to even care about how the hell he got into my apartment at the moment. That can wait until later. I’m relishing the fact that he’s here. That for a change, someone is taking care of me.

“Let it out, dollface.” My eyes water when he calls me that. My mind flashes to the night we were together. Use me, dollface. Take what you want. Those words that he had uttered so often play on a loop in my mind. His deep, husky voice had encouraged me that night to take all the pleasure I could handle from him. I had let go and done it.

Something that I never allowed myself to do. The idea had felt foreign to me at the time. But in the moment with Ethan, I had trusted him enough to let go fully. I’d taken what I wanted. That being him. My body knew to trust him and I’d followed my instincts. I had given him my body that night, but what I hadn’t planned on was giving him my heart.

I’d walked away because I was scared that he could hurt me. That he’d leave me like everyone had my entire life. I knew that night he had the power to do so.

I relax more into him, letting my head fall back onto his chest. I have no idea how both of us are currently fitting in my small bathroom, but we are.

“What are you doing in my apartment?” I finally remember that he basically broke in.

“You forgot to give me a key.” He kisses my neck.

“Why would I give you a key?” I huff. He stands, taking me with him. He grabs a hand towel from the rack before turning on the water and wetting it. He brings it to my mouth and begins wiping it. I stand here and let him take care of me. I’m not sure if I do it because I like how it feels or because I’m still shocked that he’s here in my apartment and acting as though it’s not a big deal. I know I locked the front door.

“Do I need to call security?”

“Your building doesn't have security,” he practically growls before he grabs my toothbrush, putting toothpaste on it for me. He doesn’t seem pleased with the lack of security my place has. “Unless you count my guy I put out front. I’ll put his number in your phone.”

“I love having guys' numbers in my phone.” I smile, taking the toothbrush from him.

“I’d bend you over this sink and turn your ass pink for that comment but you’re sick so it will have to wait.” My nipples tighten at his threat. I shove the toothbrush in my mouth so I don’t tell him he’ll be waiting months then. This is my first bout of morning sickness. It came out of nowhere. Just like him.

“You up for some toast or something?” he asks. I nod. I wanted to throw up two seconds ago but now I am starving. He kisses my shoulder again. “I’ll be in the kitchen, dollface.”

He turns to leave me alone in the bathroom. I look at myself in the mirror and groan. I realize I look like a freaking hot mess. I do my best to get myself together. I shouldn't care. He’s here in my apartment that he broke into. I don’t know why it makes me smile that he did it, but it does. Thoughts of him needing me bad enough to break in fill my mind and my heart.