“I want you here.” The more time I spend with Tomas the more I want him. The more I realize that I’ve been missing something in my life. Could I have been drifting so much because I was looking for him?
“Then I’ll stay.” He leans down toward me. I drop my head back so he can kiss me. He gently brushes his mouth against mine but pulls back too quickly. God, he makes me feel good. “Want to watch a movie?”
“Oh. Are we doing that whole Netflix and chill thing?” Isn't that what they call it? I don’t really care what it’s called, only that we do it. I never watch movies, but it sounds nice to lie on the sofa with him.
“Call it whatever you want.” He looks around my place. “Is this your work?” He steps away from me and over to one of my many paintings that are hanging on the wall. This one is of Alyssa and me.
We’re sitting on the dock at my grandparents’ house. We are holding hands behind our backs. My head is lying on her shoulder. We were both trying to talk the other into putting our feet in the water, but each one of us was scared that a fish would eat us alive. That painting always brings a smile to my face. It reminds me of our innocence and when life had been worry free. Getting our toes nibbled on by fish was our biggest worry back then.
“I was thirteen when I drew it.” It will always be one of my favorites. I’ve gotten so many offers from people looking to buy it, but I could never let it go.
“You two are really close. I see why you’re so sad about her moving out.” I am. It is turning out harder than I thought it was going to be. I knew Alyssa would fall in love early in life. She is easy to love. As for me, I’m just different from everyone else in our families. Even when it came to us going to college, she had been so excited to go but I never really wanted to be there. I went because Alyssa did and it was the next step in life. It had been what our parents wanted us to do. Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful that I was able to go, but it was never my dream. I majored in liberal arts and my degree is something I’ll always have. I chalk it up to a journey.
I am aimless. Now one of the things that managed to keep me anchored has left and it’s a little scary. Alyssa and I have been out in the world by ourselves but together for years. So I’ve never really been alone. I had her and she was always the one that kept us grounded. When I’d start to wander too far, she’d pull me back.
“It’s scary,” I admit. He wraps his arm around me, pulling me into him.
“Why?” He asks watching me. I shrug, some of that fear fading away when I’m in Tomas’ arms. He looks down at me like I could be his whole world if I allowed it. I’m just not sure that I can. With my family, love is unconditional. My quirks have never bothered them. “We grow when we walk through fear.”
I think that’s part of the problem, I wasn't growing up. I was the same old Neily with her head in the clouds. I didn’t want to walk through the fear. Not alone, anyways.
“What do you want to watch?” I try to change the subject. I maneuver a little to step away, but he doesn't let me go. He stares at me for a moment, his eyes searching my face. I’m not sure what he’s looking for but something inside of me hopes he finds it. There’s a longing within me that makes me want him to see exactly who I am and love me for it. Yet I push it down, not wanting to admit that it’s there to anyone—not even myself.
“I’ll let you out of this one.” His arms drop away. “For now.” There’s promise in his words. “You pick what we watch. I’ll get us something to drink.” He walks into my kitchen, making himself right at home.
I stand there and watch him for a moment. He looks and feels right in my space. My mind races with so many things. Some tell me to run. Others tell me to enjoy the moment. That’s what life is about. For me it is, anyways.
“I hope you like reality junk.” I grab the remote, putting on my favorite shows. Tomas is back before I know it, handing me a soda. He takes a sip of his water before setting it down. He drops onto the sofa next. He opens his arms and I fall back into them. He accepts me easily as I snuggle into him.