But Jay was not comfortable with having something to lose. Having something that could hurt and destroy him.
Me.
And what he didn’t know that there was something else, someone else who could destroy him further. I’d decided that the news would not bring him back to me. No, it would only push him away, give him something else to be afraid of losing.
It was better to wait, or so I’d thought until Eric was shot in the face in front of me. Until I had his brains on my cheek. Until the men who did that bundled me into a black sedan.
Then I’d wished that I had told Jay that I was carrying his child. Because I couldn’t be sure I’d see him again to give him the news. I couldn’t be sure there would be a baby to tell him about after all.
Jay
Something was going on with Stella. Jay should’ve noticed it sooner. But he was distracted, to say the least. He was planning on taking down one of the oldest criminal institutions to exist. It was not something that could be done quickly. Not something that could done out in the open. Neither side wanted news headlines nor did they want the attention from federal law enforcement agencies. The Pakhan—Mikhail Kuznetsov, the head of the Russian Mafia—did not want a war, Jay knew. They were still vying for a partnership, even after what they’d done.
The old man knew that Jay was of more value to them alive. He had loyal soldiers, had steadfast connections and had plans in place for his entire organization to self-destruct upon his death.
So no, they did not want war, because Jay had made the act of killing him incredibly risky and stupid. The Pakhan was a lot of things, stupid was not one of them. A worthy adversary if not for his trigger-happy son. The one who Jay was planning on taking out in reparations. Karson had not demanded it, he was too loyal for that, but Jay knew he thirsted for his blood. As did Jay. They’d killed many men, including the ones who’d fired the guns. They’d killed every single person they’d traced to the shooting, which of course, led nowhere near the family. Because the Pakhan was smart.
What was done was unforgiveable, even in his business. What was taken could not be given back, no reparations could be made. It was all Jay could do to not track down Mikhail Kuznetsov and cut him with a thousand tiny cuts, leaving him to bleed to death in unimaginable pain. Though when the time finally came for that, it was Karson’s right, not Jay’s.
The man was quieter now, if that was possible. Nothing human lingered beyond his eyes anymore. Only a quiet rage burning inside him, the need for vengeance keeping him going. Those were the only things keeping him going now that Wren was gone. Jay was all too aware that he would be like Karson if Stella had suffered that same fate. If she had lost something that he could not get back for her, if she had been cut in a way that would never heal. Jay did not know if he would be able to have Karson’s self-control, though.
He was consumed with it. He knew he’d damn near reverted back to the state he’d been in when they’d first met, the cold, emotionless, cruel man he was forced to be in order to survive.
His perfect wife loved him. Had taught him how to be a man with her smile, her jokes, her rambling, her snow globes, her cat and her mere presence. Jay had all of that now and more. But the possibility of losing it was strong enough for him to taste a rancid, empty life on his tongue. He couldn’t shake it. Couldn’t rid himself of that taste no matter how often he filled his mouth with Stella’s sweetness.
She mourned for her friend, for herself, for the life that had been torn from them that day. She struggled with her own demons, too, Jay knew this. Her fears about her mother, about the possibility of the same fate befalling her. And above all, he knew his magnificent wife worried about him. Fretted about the nights he left her, about the demons he himself fought with.
And something else, something else beyond all that, something that made her almost skittish around him, something that lurked behind her eyes. Something that Jay might’ve figured out before now had he not been so distracted, had he not purposefully distanced himself from Stella because he feared what he might do to her. How tight he might hold her.
No, it was better to get this finished, end this before he tried to fix what was wrong with his marriage. Stella had told him she wasn’t going anywhere. And she’d meant it.