“Fine. Then let yourself out and reset the alarm. I’m going to bed.”
Before she could turn, Ryker placed his hand over hers on the post. “I’m lost, Laney. I have no idea what the hell I’m doing.”
Her hand relaxed beneath his, giving him a minor hope she wasn’t ready to shut him out. If there was ever a time to spill his thoughts, it was now.
“I can’t lose any of you,” he went on. “Do you understand that? You’re all I have. Braden and Mac are my brothers. I have no idea where this is leading between you and me, but I have to have some stability. I know you think I’m some superhuman, unfeeling bastard right now, but I feel...too much.”
Laney’s eyes closed, and Ryker had no idea what she was thinking. Everything was new to him. He’d been infatuated with her for so long, but never thought anything would come of it. Yet, here they were, expecting a baby and trying to wade through this mess he’d made.
And she loved him. Words he could never, ever forget.
“I can’t do this with you.” Her misty eyes landed on his, touching him right to his soul. “You know how I feel and when you do this push-pull. I have no idea how to react. I get that this family is yours, I completely understand you can’t lose us. But are you willing to ignore everything between you and me?”
The hurt in her tone destroyed him. Ryker couldn’t stand another second, he had to offer some comfort, but he knew the comfort was mostly for himself.
Taking her face between his hands, he stared directly into those vibrant green eyes. How could she pierce him so deeply? Nobody had ever even come close to touching him the way Laney had. But if he risked everything, everything, and they fell apart, it would kill him.
He eased forward, resting his forehead against hers and pulling in a deep breath. “I need time.”
“I’ve given you most of my life,” she whispered. The direct punch hit its mark.
“I’m new here, Laney. I can’t mess this up, for you, for our baby. Just...don’t give up on me.”
Silence settled heavily around them, and Ryker hated the vulnerability he was showing. But this was Laney, and he was starting to see exactly what it would take to keep her waiting until he figured out his jumbled emotions.
She didn’t say anything, didn’t touch him in return. Ryker knew he wasn’t done baring his soul. Stepping away from her, because he couldn’t slice himself wide open and touch her, he started pacing her living room.
“I had the sad, clichéd childhood,” he began, ignoring that instant burn to his chest when he thought about those first twelve years. “My father was a user, a man-whore, a worthless piece of trash who never should’ve been allowed to keep a child. I witnessed more by the time I was five years old than most people see or hear in a lifetime.”
Ryker stopped in front of the mantel, catching Laney’s gaze in the large mirror hanging above the greenery. “He’d leave me alone for days. I stole food to eat, I got myself ready for school, I picked fights on the playground so I could go to the principal’s office.”
Bracing his hands on the mantel, Ryker lowered his head. “I just wanted any contact with a male adult. I didn’t care if it was negative. They’d try to call my dad, but of course he never answered. Half the time our phone bill wasn’t paid anyway. So I’d stay in the office and finish my schoolwork, which was what I wanted. I wanted to be left alone to do my thing.”
Pushing off the mantel, he started pacing a
gain. He’d never let his backstory spill out like that. But now that he’d started, he wasn’t about to stop. Laney deserved this part of him, she deserved it all, but this is all he could give for now.
“When I saw your brothers in a fight, I was all too eager to jump in. My dad had been gone for nearly a week, and I was pissed. I needed to take my aggression out on someone.”
“How did nobody notice this for twelve years?” Laney’s quiet question broke through his thoughts.
“People are so wrapped up in their own lives.” He shrugged and reached for the ornament he’d given her. He rubbed his thumb over the roundness of the silhouette’s belly before letting it go to sway against the branches. “I was so skeptical about meeting Patrick, but the second I saw him, I knew he was one of the good guys.”
Laney let out a soft laugh. “Only a select few would lump him into that category, but I agree. He was the best.”
“From the second I came to stay with you guys, then started working with your brothers, I felt like I had a place, a real home. Braden and Mac treated me like family. You were so young at first, I ignored you. But once you got to be a teenager, I was looking at you in ways that I shouldn’t. Had your dad had even the slightest idea of what my thoughts were, he would’ve killed me himself.”
“You never looked at me twice,” she stated.
Ryker threw a glance over his shoulder, just in time to see one of her cats dart up the steps and disappear. “I looked. I fantasized. My penance for lusting after you was to watch you grow into a beautiful woman, to see other bastards on your arm. Then when we saw how eerily good you were with computers, I realized my penance had just begun.”
He moved to the wide window in the front of the house. Staring out onto the darkened night, with only a street lamp lighting a portion of the view, Ryker was forced to look at his own reflection. Fitting, considering he barely recognized the man who was spouting off his life story.
Slipping his hand into a pocket, he pulled out the penny. “I have been just fine keeping my distance from you. I mean, I wanted you, but I knew you were on another level, and nothing between us could ever happen. I’ve never forgotten where I came from, no matter how much money I have in my account or how many houses I own.”
When he turned, he found her exactly as she’d been moments ago. Standing on that bottom step, her hand on the post, her eyes never wavering from him.
Holding up the pathetic piece of metal, Ryker walked forward. “I keep this ridiculous reminder in my pocket of what I came from. I’ve had this with me every single day since I was ten years old.”