10 Years Later

“You can’t,” she admitted, her jaw clenching tightly.

With that, I knew that her mind was made up. Cold chills raced down my spine as I realized there would be no changing her position on this. At least, not tonight. I’d be damned if I let her walk away like this.

“I don’t want this lifestyle, Dalton,” she said tersely, her tone convincing enough that it sucked all the air from my lungs.

Six words from Cammie’s lips were all it took to send fissures straight through my heart. I knew she was scared, but I’d underestimated how deeply my choice of profession would affect her. After all, she’d seemed so fine with it at first. Hell, she probably had been until I had to go and disappear on her without a fucking trace, and now she was pushing me away, just like she had back in high school.

I let her back then, but I couldn’t let her now. If she truly believed I’d go down without a fight, she didn’t know me at all. This entire conversation reminded me of the last time we’d spoken in high school, giving me an eerie sense of déjà vu . . .

• • •

Our entire senior class had headed to Disneyland for Grad Night, and although I didn’t really want to go, I had been convinced by my buddies that it was our last hurrah together before leaving for college. Cammie still wasn’t fucking talking to me, and I still had no idea why.

The busses were loaded alphabetically, so I wasn’t allowed on Cammie’s bus for the near two-hour drive each way. It pissed me off, because part of my plan to get her to talk to me again included her being in a confined space where she couldn’t run away. I convinced myself that I would be hard to resist for four hours. But that was before the alphabetical shit.

Once we got to the park, I was cruising through Tomorrowland with my buddies when I spotted Cammie and Kristy walking together toward a food vendor.

“Guys, I’ll be right back. I wanna talk to Cammie for a second,” I told my friends.

“Cammie Carmichael? Why?” Russell asked.

“Because,” I said simply, and he didn’t question me because, well, because we were guys and guys tended not to do that kind of shit.

Jogging toward her, I saw Kristy notice my approach, and I hoped she wouldn’t tip Cammie off. I touched her shoulder as she stood in line and she turned, startled before realizing it was me. Her eyes didn’t light up the way they had in our photography class, and she leaned away from my hand, putting distance between her body and mine.

That hurt.

“Cammie, please talk to me. Go on a ride with me so we can work this out, please,” I begged.

“Go away,” she said, her voice completely unemotional as it sliced through me.

“I can’t convince you to go on the cars with me? I’ll let you drive.” I tried to be sweet and make her laugh, but it was apparently the wrong approach.

“I hate that ride,” she said, and she almost sounded convincing. “Come on, Kristy, let’s go.”

And just like that, she walked away from me, disappearing from sight into the crowd. I didn’t chase her, go after her, or try again. She turned down my offer and I let her go. Like an idiot.

I didn’t run into her for the rest of the night, and I didn’t speak to her again before I moved away. And that regret had haunted me ever since.

Heart Can’t Take Losing Him Too

Cammie

Dalton walked out the door, albeit reluctantly, after I told him I didn’t want this lifestyle. I watched the hope fall from his eyes, like I’d punched him in the face with a truth he couldn’t fathom or understand. Closing my front door behind him, I sucked in my resolve, swallowed it whole, and almost woke Kristy up to tell her everything before deciding that it could wait until tomorrow. If I told her now, sleep would probably elude me for the rest of the night, and I desperately needed some rest, pi

ll-free.

I tossed and turned for what seemed like hours, the gravity of my decision weighing heavy on me instead of freeing me like I thought it might. My mind tried to convince me that I had done the right thing, the best thing for my future sanity and well-being, but my heart, my stupid traitorous heart vehemently disagreed. If my heart had hands, it would be punching me from the inside right now, demanding to be let out of its cage so it could duke it out with my brain. Winner take all.

It was exhausting, having the two most powerful parts of you at odds. I always took it for granted when they were on the same page, perfectly aligned with the same wants and needs. But now, this epic battle of wills going on inside me made me feel like a spectator in my own body. I prayed for clarity in my dreams, but was disappointed.

Opening my eyes the next morning after a dreamless sleep, I noticed Kristy blinking awake as well. I lay facing her, my knees practically curled all the way up to my chest. “I ended things with Dalton last night.”

“What the heck are you talking about?” She turned toward me, causing the mattress to dip between us before she shot straight up. “Wait! Did you talk to him? Is he okay? Where was he? Tell me everything!”

“He showed up here last night.”

“When? Where the hell was I?” She whined out the last bit, as if she’d missed out on the most exciting thing in years.