10 Years Later

My mom cracked a smile that didn’t quite hide her sadness. “That’s right. I’m sorry, I didn’t even call to ask how it was. Was he there? This boy from high school?”

“Dalton,” Kristy added, and I folded my arms. My presence was clearly not necessary for this conversation.

“Dalton. And he was there?” Mom leaned forward, her gaze pinging between Kristy and me as if we were sharing secrets, her voice taking on a confidential tone.

“Oh yeah. He was there, all right.” Kristy let out a howl of a laugh.

I rolled my eyes. “Can we skip every detail and just get to it?”

Mom laughed. “She’s right. I don’t need to hear everything. Just the parts where Cammie’s being foolish.” When I narrowed my eyes at my mom, she added, “Her words, not mine,” and pointed at Kristy.

Kristy sucked in a quick breath. “Okay. Cammie has liked Dalton for forever, and she never really got over him. She’ll tell you she did, but the truth is that she didn’t. And apparently he hasn’t ever gotten over her either. But he’s a cop now.” Kristy paused as Mom’s eyes narrowed and her lips pressed together in a hard line. “He went missing the other day, and Cammie freaked out. Rightfully so, don’t get me wrong,” Kristy said, turning to look at me.

“What do you mean, he went missing?” my mom asked as her eyebrows pulled together in confusion and concern.

“Something to do with the case he was working on. He got flown back to New York with no notice and no cell phone, so he couldn’t call her or anything.”

“I bet that really scared you, didn’t it?” Mom asked, staring right at me, but I didn’t respond.

It scared the shit out of me. My mother already knew the answer, and I was afraid that if I commented at all, I’d break down and have to fill her in on the panic attack I had that resulted in my ER visit. I didn’t want to tell her about that, not wanting her to worry about me.

Kristy finished up her CliffsNotes version. “So now your daughter says she can’t date him because she doesn’t want to date a cop. Because she can’t go through what you went through.”

Damn. Kristy’s version sounded brutal when she laid it all out like that.

My mom stood from her chair and walked over to me, wrapping her arms around me from behind and squeezing. “Oh, sweetheart.”

“You get why I can’t be with him, don’t you?” I asked, longing for someone to understand. I needed her validation to make me feel less alone, less crazy, less scared.

She brushed my hair from my face and gave me a small smile. “I understand why you think you can’t be with him.”

“Mom.” I shook my head as she moved back to her seat across the table. “I can’t go through what you went through. If anything happened to him, I’d never be okay. The same way you weren’t okay.”

The sad look on my mom’s face added a crack to my already fractured heart. “Oh, Cammie. My dear, sweet Cammie. You endured a loss and dealt with so much pain that no child should ever have to experience. I’m so sorry that you lost your father. It’s a horrible thing for a girl to lose her dad, but you also lost me in the process for a long time. It hurts me to know that I can never take that back, or do those moments over again.”

She reached out a hand and clasped mine. “I was so lost in my own grief, so consumed with my own emotions that I couldn’t dig myself out to check on yours. I was selfish, and I’m so sorry, honey. In my mind, you were old enough to take care of yourself. I convinced myself that you didn’t need me anymore for basic things. It was wrong of me, and I’m so sorry.”

As Mom spoke of things we’d never discussed before, my eyes stung with tears at her honesty and humility. I had forgiven my mother long ago for her withdrawal after my father’s death. I had never truly been angry with her because I’d understood all too well that her heart was shattered beyond repair. My parents had an amazing relationship, and if she had taken the news any other way, it probably would have seemed strange to me. Deep down, if I had to be honest, that was how I expected someone in her position to react. To me, that was how one should grieve the loss of their spouse.

“It’s okay, Mom. I forgive you.”

“It’s not okay,” she said, her voice shaking as she wiped away a tear that had fallen. “I’m telling you that how I acted wasn’t okay.”

Wanting to reassure my mom, I squeezed her hand. “It was a long time ago. It was hard, but I survived. So did you. Look, we’re both fine.” I gave her a wavering smile, hoping she’d buy it.

“Then why do you think you’re any less strong to handle dating this boy, Dalton?”

I swallowed the boulder in my throat as I reached for my tea and took a small sip. “It’s not that I’m not strong enough to date him. It’s that I don’t want to.”

“Bullshit,” Kristy said behind a fake cough.

After shooting a quick glare Kristy’s way, I turned back to my mom. “I don’t want that in my life. I didn’t have a say in what my dad did for a job, but I feel like I have a say in what my boyfriend does. I mean, if I want to allow that into my life or not.”

My mom’s expression softened. “You can’t control who your heart falls in love with, Cammie.”

“But I can control if I do something about it or not.”

“What are you so scared of?” she asked.