Dear Heart, I Hate You

“Fuck.” He reached for the floor where he opened his wallet to pull out a condom as I removed the last piece of clothing from my body.

Cal did the same. “Tell me you brought more than just one?” I tried to sound playful, but the moment was too intense. Too many emotions hung in the air around us, clinging to our bodies like the sweat we’d built up in anticipation of what was to come.

“I have more. I just wasn’t sure you would want to.” He stopped before admitting, “I hoped you would, but I didn’t want to presume.” He rolled the condom onto his length before focusing his attention on me. “You okay?”

“Yes, of course.”

He settled his body over mine, pressing only the tip of himself against me. When I spread my legs wider, inviting him in, he pushed in gently, only a little bit before stopping.

“Damn, Jules.”

“Are you all right?” I was nearly panting with anticipation, trying to maintain my composure when all I wanted to do was grind my hips against his length and take him all the way inside me.

“I’m not even all the way in and you already feel like home,” he said, his breathing sounding pained.

His admission made my heart swell inside my chest until it felt like it might burst, but I said nothing, not wanting to ruin the moment.

Cal inched himself inside me until he could go no further, then began that ancient rhythmic motion. As he slid in and out of me, the feel of it—of him—was incredible almost to the point of overwhelming. Neither too large nor too small, he fit as if he was made for me.

My hips moved in rhythm with his, meeting his thrusts in perfect counterpoint. I arched my back slightly, which made him hit a different angle inside me, and I never wanted him to stop.

“You feel amazing,” I said on a gasp. “God, you feel so good inside me.”

Leaning down, he pressed his lips against mine in the sweetest, softest kiss. Our mouths seemed to move in the same rhythm as our bodies, the movements slow, sensual, achingly beautiful. Our foreheads touched, and we shared the same air.

“I’m close,” he said against my lips.

I dug my fingers into his back, pulling him deeper inside me. “I’m there,” I breathed out just before my body reacted, trembling against him as he held me even tighter. He finished soon after me as the waves of my orgasm continued to roll through me. We lay there for a few moments, breathing hard, and I refused to move, even after I came down from that high.

Eventually, Cal pulled out of me slowly, leaving me feeling empty and cold. He stood up from the bed in all his naked glory, and I watched as he disappeared into the bathroom before returning with a lazy smile on his face. He crawled back into bed and lay on his back, then pulled me against him. My head rested on his chest again as his wildly beating heart pounded in my ear.

“That was . . .” He paused, pressing his lips against my forehead. “I don’t even know the right word to say.”

I had been thinking the same thing. It wasn’t just incredible, or hot, it had been so much more than that. Words didn’t seem to do it justice.

“It was something, all right.”

“Good something, right?” he asked, obviously fishing.

“It was more than good, Cal. It was epic.”

“Epic,” he repeated.

This had been exactly why I knew I couldn’t sleep with him that weekend in Boston. If the sex would have been anywhere close to what we just experienced, I wouldn’t have been able to handle it. There was no way that I could experience something that intimate and then leave him forever.

Yes, we’d stayed in touch since my trip to Boston, but I didn’t know that would happen at the time. I had no idea I’d ever see him again, let alone spend my evenings talking to him. Now that it was done, I was so happy for the way things had turned out between us, that we’d waited until now.

“What are you thinking?” he whispered as he stroked his fingers through my hair.

I laughed into his chest. “I was just thinking how glad I was that we didn’t do that in Boston.”

His stomach muscles tightened as he leaned upward slightly. “Why’s that?”

“Because I wouldn’t have survived it. That would have wrecked me for all other men,” I said, half teasing, half serious.

“Have I still wrecked you for other men, Jules?”

“Yes, Cal, you’ve ruined me for all others. But I’m prepared for it now. I wasn’t ready for you last time.”