Dear Heart, I Hate You

“Thanks, Jules. And thank you for the introductions. I couldn’t have done it without you.”

“I didn’t do anything but introduce you. You did the work of convincing them you’re trustworthy. I’m really excited for you,” she said, and I could tell that she meant it.

“Thanks, babe.”

“I miss you,” she said, the sadness in her voice stabbing at my heart.

“I miss you too.”

Whatever we were to each other hung in the phone line between us, begging to be defined. I refused to acknowledge it, and I prayed to God that Jules wouldn’t ask me to. I simply wasn’t ready to go there, no matter how strong my feelings for her were. That fight silently raging inside me had primed a battlefield for war.

We ended the conversation like we always had in the past, and I forced myself to go to sleep instead of overthinking it like I tended to do.

• • •

The rest of the week flew by pretty much the same way. I’d set up five more calls with Hollywood’s royalty, signing two of them after a detailed conversation. This new clientele fired me up more than usual, and I found myself wanting to work even harder and more effectively. I’d always taken pride in my work, but something about this was different, maybe because they were celebrities and had ridiculous amounts of money. I wasn’t quite sure, but I knew that I wanted to impress them. I wanted to make a difference and be their go-to guy.

If I’d thought I couldn’t stop thinking about Jules before I’d flown out to see her, I was seriously delusional. Because this was something else entirely. I thought I’d made the right choice by going to see her, but now I wasn’t so sure. I was a fucking mess when it came to her. I’d turned into the kind of guy who couldn’t get through the day without wanting to book another flight back to see her, which was no good for anyone, least of all for a workaholic like me.

Seeing her for two and a half days hadn’t been enough. Would any length of time ever be? Missing her physically hurt, and I didn’t have time or room in my life for that kind of pain. I needed to focus, but all I saw was her. Jules’s face was everywhere, and I was losing my damn mind over it.

For most people that would have been a good thing, but not for someone like me. She consumed my every waking thought even more than she had before my trip, and I couldn’t have that.

It wasn’t like there was a future between us, so what the hell were we even doing? I’d believed that with her living all the way across the country, I’d be able to maintain some sort of balance. But I was so wrong. Distance had absolutely nothing to do with how I felt when it came to her. No matter where I was, I missed her.

I didn’t want to, didn’t want to miss anyone. That longing made me feel weak and vulnerable. I’d seen men walk away from work for their families, and I had never wanted to be one of them.

The fact that she’d let a coworker take over her clients while I was there gutted me. I hated to admit it, but that bothered me more than I’d let on. As much as I wanted to get over it and be nonchalant about it like she’d been, I couldn’t. That little nugget stuck in my brain, reminding me at every turn what she’d walked away from for me.

Unable to let it go, I picked up the phone and punched Lucas’s extension. “Luc, can I ask you something?”

“Of course,” he said, and I could see the top of his blond head from my cubicle.

“Should I be freaked out that Jules handed her clients off for the weekend to another agent?”

“You mean, when you were there?”

“Yeah.”

“No. Why would that freak you out? You were in town for two days, man. Of course she’d hand her clients off.”

Lucas’s reaction was nonchalant, as if her actions made perfect sense. And if they did, why couldn’t I get past them?

“That’s just it, Luc. I don’t want her doing shit like that for me. What if she expects me to do that for her?”

I tried to imagine putting my work after Jules, and I couldn’t. If I had a client with a last-minute request, or who called me freaking out about a purchase, I’d explain to Jules that I needed to handle it and she’d have to deal with it. Always. I could never imagine my clients not taking priority in my life.

Lucas took on a patient tone. “She doesn’t expect you to do anything. And she made a choice. That was her decision. It was one client. I’m sure she has a ton of others.”

“But if she could give that one up so easily, what does it mean for the rest? I’m no good for her. This is no good for her.” I kicked at the leg of my desk, frustrated with how this was eating at me.

“I really think you’re reading too much into this.”

“That’s what Jules said too.”

“Then why don’t you just believe her?”

“Because it made me nervous,” I said, but that was only half true. The reality was that it had scared me shitless listening to her conversation that morning.