Dear Heart, I Hate You

“I wasn’t indifferent; I was never indifferent. I was stubborn and fighting with myself every day to prove that I was stronger than the pull you had over me,” I admitted, needing her to know the state I was in without her.

“But why? All you did was hurt me. You had to know that you were hurting me.” Her green eyes looked pained, and I hated that I was the one who put the hurt there. I should be the guy who took her pain away, not the one who made her feel it.

I couldn’t pretend like I didn’t know. I thought about lying to her, saying whatever would bring her the most comfort, but she deserved the truth. She deserved so much more than that after what I’d pulled. So I swallowed my pride around the lump in my throat.

“Yes. I knew I was hurting you.”

“And you did that willingly. You made a choice to hurt me. Every single day for weeks, you consciously chose that.” Her eyes filled again and I thought it might break me.

“I didn’t want to hurt you,” I tried to explain, but what could I possibly say that would make this okay? “I didn’t want to hurt you, Jules, I just knew that I was. I put my ego and pride over your feelings. Hell, I put them over my own feelings.”

“But you did hurt me.”

“I know.”

“How do I know you won’t do that again?”

When she tore her gaze away from mine, I felt instantly lost. I hated what was happening, hated that I’d hurt her and she despised me for it. I deserved it, but I couldn’t stand what I’d done.

“You don’t. Nothing I say will mean a damn thing right now.”

“Then why are you here?” Her jaw clenched as she glared at me.

“Because I want to show you how sorry I am. I want you back.”

Jules narrowed her eyes. “You made me feel like I didn’t matter. Do you have any idea how that feels? I met you and you mattered to me, Cal, more than anyone I’d met in a long time. And then you made me feel like I never existed, like you could live without me. Easily.”

If she only knew the whole reason I was here was because I couldn’t live without her. I knew that now.

“You always existed. There wasn’t a single day where you didn’t live inside me. I noticed everything you did. Every single thing you said. Every post you put on social media, I saw it all. Until you unfriended me. That was a torture of its own kind, but I knew I deserved it.”

“You let me sit there and believe you didn’t care.”

“I know I did, and I was wrong. I was an idiot. I’m so sorry, Jules.”

She sucked in a quick breath, the pink coloring her cheeks telling me loud and clear that her temper was rising. “You know what, Cal? Fuck you and your I’m sorrys.”

I blinked at her in disbelief. “What?”

“I want you to leave.” She pointed toward the exit of her complex and shot me a look that could kill weaker men.

I didn’t blame her. I’d have to show her I knew how wrong I’d been. I’d have to prove to her that she could trust me.

“Can we finish this conversation, at least? Please, Jules.”

“This conversation is over. You wrecked me. I opened my heart to you, and I trusted you. I believed the things you said to me, the way you made me feel, and then you disappeared on me. You have no idea what the past five weeks have been like for me. No idea. Because if you did, you would have stopped what you were doing by day two.”

She glared at me, trying to be strong, but I could tell she was as broken as I was.

“Don’t walk away from me, Jules. Please don’t,” I begged. I wasn’t above it at this point.

“At least you know I’m going.” She shoved my hand off her car door and stepped on the gas, leaving me and my broken heart in her rearview mirror.

I had hurt her more than I realized. I’d been hurting too, but it was nothing compared to what I’d put her through. I hadn’t expected this level of pain. I should have known better, but I was an idiot. That much, at least, was clear.

That did not go as planned. Pulling out my cell, I dialed Lucas, who had been waiting for an update since the day I told him I was coming out here.

“How’d it go?” he said instead of hello.