Dear Heart, I Hate You

“I got scared, okay? We both knew that this thing between us was temporary.” He wagged a finger between us. “Hell, Jules, you even said once that you had no plans to move out of LA, and I said the same thing about Boston. So I started thinking about what the hell we were doing, or what the point was. Why was I falling in love with someone I could never have?”

My heart stopped and lurched once before kicking back into its proper rhythm. Love?

“So you decided that going radio silent on me was the answer?”

“I didn’t know what to do. I thought you’d be fine, eventually anyway. You’re just as busy as I am with work, so I figured you’d bounce right back, forget all about me.”

“Bounce right back? I’ve never felt about anyone t

he way I felt about you,” I admitted, my emotions getting the best of me as my voice shook.

“Felt?”

I bristled. “Yes. Felt.”

“As in past tense?” His brow furrowed.

“As in past tense.” I repeated the lie with a shrug as his gaze dropped to his feet.

“I deserve that.”

“You do.”

God, I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t be here with him right now, my head swimming in thoughts, my heart drowning in them.

His eyes found mine again. “I thought I was making a decision that was the best for both of us. I really thought,” he started, but stumbled on his words as if he hadn’t had thirty-seven days to practice some sort of speech. “I just—”

“You chose for me,” I blurted, interrupting him. “You made a decision about us without even asking me for my input.” Furious, I glared at him. “You don’t get to tell me how to feel, or how to act, or take yourself away from me when it was the last thing in the world that I wanted. I had no idea what we were going to do about the future or where we were headed, but I knew that I wasn’t ready for us to end.”

The pain in his eyes deepened. “I thought I knew what I was doing, but I was wrong. So wrong. I’m so sorry, Jules. I wish there was a better word than sorry, but I don’t know one.”

“I wish it was enough, but it’s not. You really hurt me, Cal. I’m okay now, but I wasn’t. I wasn’t okay for a long time.”

It was part lie, part truth. I had been okay until I laid eyes on him today. Seeing him had thrown everything in me for a loop. I wasn’t okay, but I refused to admit that to him.

“Well, I’m not okay,” he said. “I haven’t been okay since the day I let you get away. I’m unsteady without you. I thought I knew what I wanted and when I wanted it. But then you came along and made me question everything without even trying. Just your existence had me feeling strung out.”

He stopped short and rubbed his eyes with the heel of his hands. “I don’t want to do this without you. I get that you’re okay now, but I’m not, and I won’t be if you’re not by my side. I know that now. Hell, I knew it then, I just tried to fight it. Please give me another chance. I’m not saying I’ll never make another mistake or screw up ever again, because I am a guy, but I can promise that I’ll never leave you. I’ll never be that stupid with your heart again.”

“How? How can you promise me that? You can’t promise something like that!”

What bullshit. That promise was nothing but a bunch of pretty words. Even if he meant them when he said them, no one could make a vow of that magnitude.

“I can, because I know what it’s like to try to live without you, to try to pretend that I don’t need you. You make me a better man, Jules. I’m better when I’m with you.”

“But nothing’s changed; we still live in different states. I don’t plan on moving, and I’m sure you don’t either. Why come here if nothing about our temporary situation has improved?” I asked, unable to hide my bitterness.

“Because I don’t think we’re temporary anymore. Look, Jules, I’m not sure what the future holds for us, or what the hell we’ll do about it, but all I know is that I want one with you. My life’s not the same when you’re not a part of it. Trust me, I tried. It didn’t work out so well.”

“I don’t know.” I tore my gaze away from him and hugged myself, trying to keep a hold on my emotions.

This was exactly what I had longed for. I’d wanted Cal to come back to me more than anything, but now that he was here, wearing his heart on his sleeve, I was terrified to trust him again. He’d not only crushed my heart when he walked away, he’d done it so easily.

“I know you don’t trust me,” he said, his expression earnest. “I know you don’t think you can. I’ll show you. I’ll prove it to you.”

I studied his expressions and gauged his tone of voice, wanting to forgive him, to believe him, but I refused to be naive. I couldn’t be stupid with my heart again. I wasn’t sure I’d survive another blow from him.

Shaking my head, I said, “I don’t know how to get past this. It might seem stupid to you, but what you did to me was heart altering. You threw me off balance. You let me fall off a cliff and you weren’t there to catch me. You left me alone when all I wanted was for you to be there.”