Dear Heart, I Hate You

Grief immediately washed over her. She fell to her knees and clutched at her queasy stomach, experiencing unease and a sickness she couldn’t define. She knew with unfailing certainty that he would never walk back out of that house. The pain and overwhelming sense of loss that thought caused her were so severe, her breathing hitched and nearly ceased completely. And then she heard it, that sound she was expecting, but couldn’t have known was coming.

A single gunshot.

• • •

“Katherine? Katherine, are you okay? Wake up.” A familiar voice startled her awake.

Katherine’s eyes shot open to see her roommate, Taylor, standing above her. She focused on the blue eyes staring back at her. Although they had only been roommates a few weeks, they had bonded instantly. Katherine felt like she had known Taylor her whole life.

“My God, Katherine, are you all right? You’re crying so hard. I mean, you’re like really crying. What the hell were you dreaming about?” Taylor’s normally pretty face was pinched with concern.

“Dreaming?” Katherine said softly. “I was dreaming? He was a dream?”

“He, who? Tell me everything!” Taylor’s demeanor instantly changed from concern to girlish excitement as she plopped onto Katherine’s bed, her blonde hair bouncing against her shoulders.

“I can’t . . . talk about it right now, Tay,” Katherine stammered, barely able to get the words out. “I don’t even want to move. It felt so real.”

“Dreams always feel real when you’re in them,” Taylor reminded her.

Katherine averted her eyes, looking around at the white walls of the dorm room. She focused on the corkboard across from her bed where Taylor had pinned pictures of the ocean and quotes she liked.

“I know, but this was different.” Katherine struggled to put her feelings into words. “Everything was so intense . . . and the guy. I’ve just never felt like that before.”

“What guy? Come on, Kat, you have to tell me. I mean, you were crying! Like real tears! And you’re acting so weird right now,” her roommate begged.

“Taylor, I know this sounds stupid, but right now I’m still processing the fact that everything I just felt and experienced was a dream. It wasn’t real. I can’t believe he wasn’t real.” She wiped at her eyes.

“Crying again? Really? What the hell, Kat?” she asked, cocking her head to the side.

“I’ll tell you everything, I promise. I just need a minute. Please?” Katherine closed her eyes as she pleaded.

Taylor pouted and stood up to leave.

“I know it’s crazy, Taylor. It’s just the minute I move, everything’s going to fade away. It’s all going to disappear.”

“What do you mean?”

Katherine took a deep breath. “It’s like I can feel him around me. Like my dream is lingering in the air. And I know that once I move, it’s going to disappear. I just want to hold on to it for a bit longer. Does that make any sense?” Katherine’s brows drew together with frustration as she tried to explain.

“Not really,” Taylor admitted. “But I’ll give you some space.” She sighed and walked into their bathroom, pulling the door shut behind her.

Katherine briefly thought about going back to sleep, but she resisted the urge. She tossed the comforter from her body and slid out slowly from the warmth of her bed. With every move, she could feel the dream and her memory of him fading. She knew it was inevitable, but it hurt. And that confused her.

“Taylor?” she yelled out toward the bathroom.

The bathroom door opened and Taylor’s head popped out. “Oh, so you’ve decided to join the living today, eh?”

“Yeah,” she said. “I want to tell you everything. This guy—this dream—it was crazy. I don’t even know how to start talking about it because it was more of a feeling than anything else.” Katherine sighed before she continued. “Even saying that out loud sounds stupid, I know, but it’s true. I mean, not much happened in the dream, aside from him getting shot and killed, which was totally awesome,” she added sarcastically.

“What? Who got shot and killed? I’m confused.” Taylor stepped back into the room and shook her head. “You have to start from the beginning. And you need to hurry, because we have class in half an hour.” She glanced up at the clock on the wall.

Katherine filled Taylor in on every detail she could remember. The house. The fire. The gunshot. The soldier and the war. She did her best to put her feelings into words, although she knew no words could ever do her feelings justice. She described the guy, what he looked like, what it felt like to be around him, her sense of loss when he left her, and her desperation and fear when she heard the gunshot. Taylor wrote it all down, every single word.

“What are you doing?” Katherine asked quietly.

“Taking notes for later,” Taylor explained.

She glanced at her roommate, looking like a detective hunched over her pad of paper and pen as she sat on the chair with her legs crossed. “What do you mean, later? You’re so weird.”