Sofia seemed a little choked up, and I wasn’t sure if it was because of my interaction with Matson, or if it was about the dickhead from earlier. Or maybe it was from something else entirely.
I crossed my arms over my chest and stared at her. “You sound surprised.”
She fidgeted nervously, all her usual bravado gone. “I guess I am.”
“That’s really fucked up, you know.” I hadn’t planned on saying it exactly like that, but I couldn’t stop the harsh words from coming out. “You saw me in my bar once, maybe twice, and somehow that gave you the right to judge me? You think you know me, but you don’t. And I clearly don’t know you. Hope you have a nice life, Sofia. I mean it.”
Too pissed off to care about her feelings while I was caught up in my own, I walked away. And when she called my name, instead of stopping or turning around, I picked up the pace and jogged toward home.
Self-Doubt
Ryan
I fumed the rest of the way back to my place, my feelings growing and twisting in perfect time with each pound of my feet against the pavement.
Thump. She’s wrong about me.
Thump. Maybe she has a point.
Thump. Am I good enough to be in a kid’s life?
Thump. Of course I am.
Thump. Right?
It was only once I got home that I realized how hard I’d been running. Sweat dripped down my face, burning my eyes. My T-shirt was soaked, clinging to my chest and arms like a second skin. I tried to slow down my heart rate by sucking in long breaths and walking up and down the street in front of my place at a moderate pace.
I stretched for a moment to cool down my body before heading inside and upstairs to shower. Too bad none of it had had any effect on my emotions, which were still running on overdrive.
My anger mingled with the steam, heating the bathroom as I scrubbed myself clean. Disappointment rained like water down my back. Confusion made my emotions swing back and forth. But when my hard-on betrayed me, wanting her when it was supposed to hate her the same way I did, I got pissed off all over again, refusing to even touch it if it was going to betray me like that.
Annoyed with myself, I dried off and got ready for work. It was earlier than I needed to be at the bar, but I didn’t have anywhere else to be, and I was too pissed off to sit still. I closed my eyes and groaned as I imagined Frank giving me crap, calling me a princess for being so emotional, but I refused to let that stop me.
I wanted to talk to my brothers, needed to know that I wasn’t wrong for being this upset. Despite the shit they both loved to give me, there was no one I trusted more.
Okay, except for my mom. But I’d call her later if I needed to, once I sorted this all out my head and had a little clarity.
• • •
“You’re early.”
Frank’s voice boomed out the second I walked through the back door of our bar. It was like he sensed my arrival before he could even see it was me. Then again, only employees used that entrance, so I guessed it made sense.
“I was bored,” I lied, and he narrowed his green eyes at me. I tried to avoid his scrutiny by looking past him at the handful of customers.
“You’re never bored,” he shot back.
Ignoring him, I slipped behind the bar, hoping to work on some new cocktails before we got too busy. After gathering a lemon, a bitters liquor, apple brandy, and maple syrup, I measured ingredients and added them one by one into the glass, taking a small sip after each addition.
“What’s the matter?” Frank asked from behind me as I focused on the cocktail.
“Why do you think something’s wrong?”
“Beca
use I know you. And you have that look.”
I stopped stirring and turned to face him. “What look?”