“Shifting is a physical release, much like … other things. If one is feeling restrained or held back, then it makes the experience much less enjoyable.”
The accusatory look that Romulus is giving me is unmistakable. I am the one holding the boys back. If it weren’t for me, they would be able to embrace their ravenous wildness and not have to worry about whether or not I would be safe around them and their kind.
More than that, though, I hear what else he’s saying.
What he means.
I’m causing them pain.
13
Sabrina
“You’re not the only one.”
When I glance over at Romulus, it’s as if he’s been reading my thoughts.
“To cause this sort of pain,” he adds, his voice quieter than usual. There’s none of the usual roughness to it. None of the usual growl hidden beneath the surface. “I know it might not seem like it at times, but I’m not the heartless creature you imagine.”
Normally, the right thing to do would be to deny it.
But here, tonight, I don’t.
Instead, I just sit quietly. Watching, waiting for Romulus to continue.
“You’ve heard of Remus, my brother?”
My pulse quickens, and I nod.
Down below, in the garden, the boys glance over at us one last time with their fur bristled in the cold
air and their long tails swishing behind them as they run off into the woods. Even with them gone, Romulus doesn’t stop. Maybe it’s the tea, or the night air, or something else … but I’ve never seen him like this.
He’s nostalgic, almost.
“So then?” he asks, after a moment staring off into the darkness left behind in his sons’ wake. His hand shakes ever so slightly where it rests on the armrest, and I wonder how much effort it’s taking him to resist the shift with them. “What have you been told? About Remus.”
My tongue feels dry. I have to pry it from the roof of my mouth to answer him.
“Not much,” I say. “Other than the fact that he’s your brother, basically nothing.”
Unless I’m imagining it, he seems pleased. Whatever he’s thinking behind those dark eyes, he doesn’t leave the silence hanging between us long.
“Remus and his pack are not members of our alliance. They live in peace with us just enough to keep things civil, for the most part. But my brother cannot accept turned werewolves, not even my wife. Even if they’ve been initiated into a pack and into the alliance, Remus will never again tolerate the turning of a human.”
Once again, I feel the organ behind my ribs beat at a pace that betrays me. Even without his body shifted, I’m sure Romulus still hears it.
There’s something about him tonight that looks calmer than usual, wise even. Maybe it’s the tea, or the moon, or just the control he’s exerting over himself; I’m not sure. But when I ask him what happened between him and his brother, he only hesitates a moment before saying a name: Sienna.
“She meant everything to us back then,” Romulus muses. “Remus and I both loved her together, despite her frailty as a human. I’m sure you can understand.” He looks at me as if we both share the same secret. It’s a kindred moment I never expected from him … but it doesn’t linger long.
“But there comes a point in which one must choose. Even between brothers, love is a difficult thing to share. Remus and I didn’t have any hesitation about the turning ceremonies back then, and turning Sienna was the one way to make sure she stayed with us forever. But she was unable to choose between us.”
“Choose …”
I trail off, glancing once again towards the forest. I know that feeling well. I’d never be able to choose between Rory, Marlowe, and Kaleb. Not when the other two would always be there, beside me. Choosing one of them would be like choosing one part of a whole. It would break them.
It would break me.