Contradictions (Woodfalls Girls 3)

“Because it can. You just have to take the emotion out of the situation to find the root of the problem. Conflict is caused by emotion. As human beings, we allow and even thrive on the emotions that ultimately lead to our destruction. Look at the root of every war and you will find a dictator who allowed his emotions to control his thinking until it curdled into something else.”

“People are not math equations, Trent. Your concern is touching, but for such a smart guy, you don’t know shit. For your information, emotions don’t always cause conflict. They also cause good things, like love. For every emotion that leads to our destruction, there is another that makes us stronger.”

“Interesting hypothesis. I think—”

“Wait a second. Let me cut you off right there,” I interrupted. “What I said wasn’t a damn hypothesis, it’s a fact, you goober. Look, people don’t choose to have emotions, they’re part of us. Like it or not, you can’t just turn them off. Without emotions, we’d all be robots. My roommate is miffed because of the decisions I’ve made to change my lifestyle. You think she gives a rat’s ass about the logical reason for my decision? Hell no. She’s pissed. Hence, human emotion.”

He raised his eyebrows at my choice of words. “I see. So the student becomes the teacher.”

I doubled over laughing. “God, you can be such a nerd, but I’m glad you understand. Welcome to Earth.”

“I still say she should understand you’re on probation,” he said, folding his arms across his chest.

“Yeah, well, that’s easier said than done. I’m just not sure I care anymore, but who knows? Maybe where there’s a will, there’s a way.”

“And you no longer have the will?” he asked, shoving his hands into his pockets.

“Nope,” I admitted, turning to walk to my car. This chat was stimulating, but wasn’t helping my current situation. It really wasn’t Trent’s fault. Not even my friends understood where I was coming from.

He kept pace with me by jogging along my side. “Why not?”

“No offense, but I don’t want to talk about it anymore.” I’d yet to confide in anyone about the way I felt about David’s accident. I tried with Cameo, but all she wanted to do was tell me I was being stupid, so I buried it in my gut and spent the last week being twisted into a tight knot of guilt. Logically, I knew I wasn’t directly responsible, but I had been there. I couldn’t help dwelling on what would have happened if I’d never talked to him, or maybe if I could have talked to him longer. Was our conversation the point on the pendulum of life that triggered his death? Would it have mattered if he went into the water sooner or later? This was the morbid shit that was keeping me up at night. The coroner’s report had come out and concluded that David had smacked his head on an outcropping of rocks when he tumbled overboard. They believe he lost consciousness and drowned. Would that have happened if he had been in the water a few seconds earlier?

I confided none of this to Trent. It wasn’t in my nature. I didn’t talk about insecurities and, until now, never considered the cosmic ramifications of anything. I was the dial-a-laugh girl, the gutter-minded rock star.

Trent walked beside me all the way to my car without saying anything more. I avoided his eyes. They were becoming my kryptonite. Obviously, the Superman theme was sticking. God help me if I started thinking of myself as Lois Lane. I’d have to find the tallest building around and jump off.

Neither of us spoke as I climbed into my Jeep. Trent stood on the sidewalk watching me while I backed out. His attentiveness was disconcerting. Why couldn’t he just be a douche like every other guy I attracted?

10.

I spent Friday evening holed up in my apartment by myself. After leaving Trent, I’d driven around aimlessly for over an hour, hoping to avoid Cameo and Derek. My ploy worked. By the time I entered our apartment with a bag of junk food, our apartment was empty. Just the way I wanted it.

The evening was a far cry from my normal Friday activities. I ate crap I knew I would regret and watched mindless TV. Toddlers competing for tiaras was new to me, but that didn’t stop me from watching six episodes in a row.

I hated that Cameo and I couldn’t seem to get past this hump. It was as much my fault as hers. My life was changing and I wished she would accept that, but maybe it was too much too fast. Maybe she needed more time to adjust to my shift in priorities. I debated staying up until she got home so we could hash it out, but in the end I headed to bed earlier than I had on a Friday night in years. I wasn’t sure what I could say to fix the situation. There was a chance I would just make it worse. Normally, we were joined at the hip and did everything together. This week had proven that things had changed for us. Maybe they would never be the same again.

Unfortunately, lying in my dark, quiet bedroom only encouraged me to think about David’s death. The guilt festered in my stomach like some alien had inhabited my body. I was still tossing and turning two hours later when I heard the front door open and close. I feigned sleep when my bedroom door squeaked open a few seconds later. Derek’s footsteps echoed on the wooden floorboards as he approached my bed. Though my eyes were closed, I could feel the weight of his stare as he stood beside my bed. I don’t know if he bought my ploy or just didn’t want to make the situation any more awkward by calling me out, but after a moment, he retreated from the room. I could hear Cameo’s and his muffled voices through the thin walls. I couldn’t make out what they were saying, but I knew it was about me.

I contemplated how much I’d changed in a week. The old Tressa would have stomped out to the front room and confronted them. Now I stayed in my room, not certain I could muster enough fuel for a fight.

Maybe I was broken. I felt broken. I’d never experienced this crushing sense of hopelessness. I wasn’t used to feeling like I was letting down so many people at once. The list felt endless.

Eventually, I drifted off to sleep, uncertain of what I was morphing into. In the end, my last thoughts were about David’s memorial service the following day.

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I learned several things the next day that I would have rather lived my entire life without ever knowing. Funerals are nothing like they seem on TV or in movies. On a screen, you get a one-dimensional sense of the despair, but in real life, it’s painful and ugly. Even if David and I didn’t have our moment, if I’d never talked to him, I’m not sure I could have attended his service and remained dry-eyed. His parents’ grief was real and seared through you like a hot poker being shoved in your eye.

Sitting on one of the hard pews, sandwiched between Derek, Cameo, and her maybe, maybe not boyfriend, Chad, provided my crazy muddled mind with sudden clarity. Giving up my old lifestyle was the right thing to do. Partying, hazing, pranks, and everything else I had ever been involved in were part of a life I no longer wanted.

The somber memorial service started with the minister giving a long-winded eulogy. For the benefit of the younger crowd, he thundered on about responsibilities and the consequences of bad choices.

After he finally ran out of steam, David’s best friend from high school got up to say a few words. A picture of David filled my mind as his friend talked about their friendship. The way he described David reminded me of the flirtatious, cocky guy I had gotten to know moments before he jumped into the raft. Unlike David’s parents, his best friend, Troy, didn’t point fingers or accuse anyone of any wrongdoing. Judging by the stories he told, David had always been a daredevil.

I was relieved when neither of David’s parents got up to talk. Seeing them lean on each other, trying to draw strength from the other was hard enough. I couldn’t imagine how suffocating the grief of losing a child must be.