“Hook up? Did you really just say that to me?” I asked. I didn’t care that my voice carried across the restaurant. He had pushed the wrong button and was being unfair. I was trying to deal with a life-changing event and he was thinking about who he could hook up with next. I clenched my fist, wanting to punch the snarky look right off his face.
“Chill,” Justin said in a lower voice, looking uncomfortably at the other patrons sitting near us.
“Chill? You want me to chill? How about you chill,” I said, picking up my glass of water and throwing it in his face. The other diners chuckled at the free show, but I paid no attention. “You go hook up with those other girls. I need nothing from you anymore,” I said as my voice shook with rage and hurt.
I was halfway home before the tears finally made it past the rage and into sorrow. As they poured down my cheeks with no end in sight, everything inside me turned to burned ash. Why should I be so surprised that it would end this way? Justin wasn’t the type to stick to a relationship. Hell, neither was I. Could I really blame him for getting bored with me, especially after my behavior these last few weeks? We were both anticommitment.
“Holy crap, Brittni. What happened to you?” Melissa jumped up as I burst into our room. “You’ve been crying,” she stated, unsure how to handle this anomaly.
I nodded, sinking down on my bed. Scooting back, I picked up my pillow and clutched it against my chest, hoping it would help the pain.
“What happened?” Melissa asked, joining me on my bed. “Did you and Justin have a fight?”
I nodded again. I wasn’t sure I would be able to talk around the new wave of tears I was trying to keep from flowing.
Melissa patted my hand. “I’m sure it’ll be okay,” she said confidently. “By morning, I bet he’ll be calling you, wanting to make up.”
“We broke up and I’m pregnant,” I said in a rush as tears coursed down my cheeks.
“Pregnant?” Melissa whispered, looking horrified.
I nodded through my tears, relieved to finally confess to someone.
“And that asshole dumped you when you told him?” she asked disgusted, snatching up her cell phone. “Rob is going to kick his ass.”
“I didn’t get to tell him about the baby,” I said, stalling her hands before she could text Rob. “Things fell apart before I could tell him, and now it’s too late.”
“Brittni, you have to tell him. He’ll change his mind. I know he’ll stick with you through this.”
I looked at her incredulously. She had to be kidding. “Melissa, he couldn’t even stick it out because I wasn’t quite myself lately. He was ready to call it quits because of a few broken dates and my moodiness this week. What in God’s name makes you think he’d stick with me over the next nine months and all the decisions we’d have to make afterward? He threw away what we had when it was no longer fun for him.”
“He’s going to find out, honey. It’s not like you’re going to be able to hide it,” she said, patting my hand.
I looked at her without saying anything as mixed thoughts continued to race around my head.
“Brittni?” she asked, taking in my silence. “Are you going to have it?”
I couldn’t answer her. I had no idea how I’d ended up here. I didn’t believe in abortion, but it wasn’t something I’d thought I would ever have to face. My views had always been black or white. If you were dumb enough to get pregnant, then you sucked it up and had the baby. If you couldn’t handle the responsibility, there were thousands of couples out there dying to adopt. Suddenly, nothing appeared black and white anymore. Everything was gray and cloudy with no right answer. If I decided to have the baby, it would come after my junior year started. There was no way I could attend classes. I would lose my scholarship and everything else I had worked for, but the alternative made me ill.
“I’ll support you no matter what you decide,” Melissa said, placing an arm around my shaking shoulders. I wasn’t even aware I was sobbing until I felt her arm around me.
Melissa sat up with me the entire night as I alternated between tears and staring off into space. She was uncharacteristically quiet with none of her usual glee anywhere to be found. My bleakness seemed to have sucked everything out of us both.
By the next morning I had no more tears left to cry. I moved lethargically through the day from a lack of sleep. Melissa’s promise that Justin would come to his senses never surfaced. My phone remained silent as one day trickled into two and then bled into three days.
Melissa stopped asking if I’d heard from him by the end of the second day. I made her promise not to tell Rob, which I knew was selfish. Rob was Justin’s best friend. By forcing her silence, I was making her compromise her own relationship. She never complained, even though I could see it was wearing on her judging by her lack of typical enthusiasm.
A full week after Justin and I broke up, I finally went to a walk-in clinic. I took a bus to the other side of town so no one would know me. The doctor was kind and understanding as she confirmed what I already knew. She gave me literature on my diet and sample packs of prenatal vitamins that she said were important for the baby. Discussing it with a doctor made everything seem much more real. My head spun as she continued on about stretch marks and birthing plans and the delivery. Through it all, I nodded like I was listening, but my mind was elsewhere. When I was ready to leave, she gave me a list of doctors to choose from that all took my insurance. Thrusting everything she handed me into my bag, I thanked her and fled from the clinic.
It took several blocks before I was able to digest everything the doctor had mentioned. It all seemed so final, like I had no choices. I began to feel caged in. Pulling my phone out, I reluctantly typed the one thing I never thought I would into the search engine. The map indicated the planned pregnancy clinic was two miles away. During the walk, I didn’t allow myself to think about where I was headed. Instead, I filled my head with mundane thoughts as if this were any other day.
When I finally arrived at my destination, I stared at the nondescript building in front of me with morbid fascination. It was a far cry from what I would have pictured. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I had been expecting a seedy, drab building that could only be accessed through an equally dark and dreary alleyway. Not a place that could have housed something as normal as a real estate office. As a matter of fact, I checked the address one last time to make sure I was in the right spot. Pulling the door open, I nearly gasped when I saw the crowded waiting area. At least everyone inside seemed to have the same idea of remaining as inconspicuous as possible. I kept my eyes averted as I approached the long counter with one small window.
“Can I help you?” the middle-aged woman beyond the glass asked without looking up.
“I’d like to speak with someone,” I said nervously.
“Sign in and we’ll call you back in a while,” she replied as she continued to type on her computer. “Make sure you have payment ready.”