This time we laughed together as we eyed the pumpkin. Instead of the toothy grin I would have drawn, she had given the pumpkin wide heart-shaped lips that curved up into a smile. It looked like the jack-o’-lantern version of Angelina Jolie.
I cut a hole in the top and together Mac and I cleared the pumpkin of all its slimy innards, placing them on the newspaper I had laid out. Halfway through the messy process, I left Mac briefly to remove the brownies from the oven. Leaving them on the counter to cool, I grabbed a couple of waters from the fridge that were hidden behind the milk. I was satisfied to see her looking so relaxed while she separated the seeds from the slimy gunk we’d pulled from the pumpkin.
“Are you planning on planting your own pumpkin patch?” I teased, handing her one of the waters.
“Yep, right outside my dorm room window. No, really, I thought we could bake them and then eat them.”
I shot her a skeptical look.
“I’m serious. My dad used to do it when I was little,” she added when I still looked doubtful.
While Mac handled the pumpkin seeds, I started carving the mouth and eyes of the cleaned-out pumpkin. I was just finishing up by the time she was sliding the seeds into the oven. I handed the pumpkin to her when she sat back down so she could do the more delicate work. The nose, eyelashes, and eyebrows were too tricky for my big hands.
Once she was done, I dug around, looking for something to light it up since the guys and I had forgotten to get candles when we bought the pumpkins. I hit pay dirt, finding a mini flashlight in Michael’s room. We turned off the lights to admire our handiwork as we munched on brownies. Mac, who was coming completely out of her shell, oohed and awwed. My eyes kept straying to her face as she gazed at the pumpkin. I didn’t know her well, but I knew happiness when I saw it. If you would have told me a week ago that the standoffish girl I’d tried to talk to at the library would be standing in my apartment now, I would have thought you were high as a kite.
To make the evening complete, I turned on the TV and scrolled through the menu until I found a classic Halloween movie. Mac looked at the couch, and I could see the indecision on her face. With the only lights in the living room coming from the TV and the jack-o’-lantern, it wasn’t hard to discern what she was thinking. Not wanting the evening to end, I sat down on the couch, acting oblivious to her dilemma. It took a few seconds, but with one last look at the door, she came over to the couch and sat next to me. She practically hugged the arm of the couch like it was a lifeline. I wanted to chuckle, but that would be like showing her the door. I was cool waiting. She was worth it.
ten
Mac
Spending the evening with Bentley was nothing like I would have expected. Of course, that wasn’t saying much since my expectations were virtually nonexistent. I had no measuring stick to compare it to. My relationship with Zach throughout high school never reached the intensity of other couples like Dan and Kat. They acted like the sun would fail to rise if they skipped a day of seeing each other. Their dedication to one another had been unique and special. With college always in my sights, I’d found their relationship unsettling at times, especially when I worried that Zach would want the same from me. He and I had shared our moments, but there was never anything there that would take us to that next level.
With Bentley, it felt different already. The sensations he evoked in me when he removed the chocolate from my lips were unexpected, even foreign in a way. I wanted to write them off as a fluke, but as the evening wore on, the feelings would continue to surface. It was as if my body was ready to react every time we stood close or, worse yet, touched slightly, like when his hand found mine inside the pumpkin. I’d worked so hard over the past year and a half to avoid human contact that I now found myself unprepared for how to handle it.
It was only when Bentley turned the lights off and started the movie that I really questioned my sanity. I tried to put as much distance between us as possible by sitting on the opposite arm of the couch. It wasn’t exactly subtle, but outside of sitting on one of the barstools behind him, which would have been truly awkward, it was the best I could do. I surreptitiously studied his profile when he was so into the movie that he wasn’t paying attention. I’d been right on that first day. He really was handsome. Even without the dimples, he had the kind of face that called for a second look. At first glance, you might chalk him up as cute, but something would draw your attention back, making you realize he went beyond that. Maybe it was the constant gleam in his eyes and the subtle grin that never seemed to be far from the surface. Or maybe it just boiled down to the fact that I was so hard up for human interaction that a paper bag would look attractive.
Even with the gap between us on the couch, our hands were mere inches apart. I expected him to reach for mine, considering the way he had held my hand during our walk to get to his apartment. Of course, I had snatched it away. Maybe that had bothered him after all. I could have reached over and taken his hand, but there was no way I could muster the nerve. Basically, that was how the rest of the evening went. My mind was so preoccupied, I don’t think I could tell you anything about the movie.
Later on, Bentley drove me home. I was grateful not to walk the distance again and had readily agreed. All the parking spots were taken when we arrived, so I had him drop me off at the front of my building. He seemed disappointed that he wouldn’t be walking me to my door.
We sat in the car for several seconds of awkward silence. “So, thanks for the lift,” I finally said, opening the car door. He hesitated before answering. I hoped he didn’t think I was expecting him to kiss me or anything like that.
“No problem. Thanks for celebrating the holiday with me.”
“That’s what friends do, right?” I emphasized the friend part.
He looked serious for a moment before his sexy full lips stretched into a smile. I found his lips to be very distracting. They were enticing no matter what they were doing. The temptation to see if they were as soft as they looked was becoming hard to ignore.
He burst my bubble by agreeing with me. “Absolutely.”
My heart dipped. That was my problem. I obviously didn’t know what I wanted. One minute I’m worried he might kiss me, and the next I’m disappointed when he doesn’t. I obviously had a problem with mixed signals. I couldn’t help wondering if that had been what came between me and Zach.
• • •
graduation night 2013
We had all been herded together like a bunch of cattle inside the Ocean Center, waiting for the ceremony to start. I was searching for Tracey so she could help me reattach the opal hair clip my aunt had sent me for graduation. The clip was a beautiful soft shade of pink that complemented my light blond hair. The problem was my hair was too wispy and thin to keep it in place. Tracey had the magic touch when it came to fixing hair. I knew she could make it look beautiful like she had hundreds of times before.
I sidestepped Marcus and Kent, who were roughhousing in the middle of the room as Ms. Jenkins, one of the school administrators, tried to organize everyone into some semblance of a line. The ceremony start time was still forty-five minutes away. How she thought she could maintain order for that long was beyond me. Not wanting to be corralled, I darted around one of the black curtain dividers when I noticed Mr. Griffin, our assistant principal, jumping in to intervene with a determined look in hi
s eyes. “Gentlemen, please. Let’s try to act like adults.” I smiled with satisfaction at my escape into the nearly empty space beyond the black drapes. Freedom, no matter how brief, was sweet.
Walking silently to the other side of the large room, I spotted Tracey and Zach standing together. I skipped in the wide-armed-swinging-and-exaggerated-stepping fashion Tracey and I had developed when we were six years old. Even as teenagers, Tracey would link her arm through mine and skip through the outdoor hallways of our school. I’d cringe every time she did it. I hated people staring at me and judging me. When Tracey did stuff like that, people would smile, responding to her enthusiasm. If I did it, I felt foolish and stupid. Like I was trying too hard to be something I wasn’t. Today was different. It was easy to throw my insecurities to the side. We’d been talking about graduating for what felt like forever—having it finally upon us was exhilarating.
Tracey and Zach didn’t notice me skipping toward them, and I suddenly realized I had stumbled upon a scene that wasn’t meant for my eyes. I wasn’t supposed to see the guy I had always relied on tuck another girl’s hair behind her ear with such loving care. The act should have been innocent. We were all friends—best friends—but this was something more. Maybe it was the way his hand lingered as he gently cupped her ear. Had his hand ever lingered on me like that? Judging by the sheen in Tracey’s crystal blue eyes, it was clear there was something more between them than Zach and I had ever shared. Indecision gripped me. Should I confront them or back away? I was torn. My emotions felt as if they had been thrown in a blender. I didn’t know how I should feel about what I was seeing. How long had I missed this?
I began to move forward, but hesitated with my foot paused mid-step. Forward or backward? Somehow, everything seemed to hinge on what direction my foot would take. The moment felt heavy with significance. Retreat. That was the right move. My attempted getaway was thwarted when Tracey spotted me out of the corner of her eye. Any doubt that what I was seeing was only my imagination was clarified by the horrified look on her face. My best friend, who I had spent practically every Friday and Saturday night with for years, who shared a mutual crush on Troy Bolton from High School Musical, who squealed with me when my parents gave me Miley Cyrus tickets for my twelfth birthday, who held my hand when I had to get sixteen stitches after falling off the bed laughing—that same friend looked thunderstruck. A surge of anger swirled through me. I didn’t know what they were expecting. We were surrounded by a thousand graduating seniors, and she was surprised someone had caught them in the act?