Zach's face was pinched with pain. He closed his eyes, swiping a hand against the closed lids. It was too soon. I should have kept my mouth closed.
Zach kept his eyes closed for several minutes. I could sense he was trying to regain some sort of dignity. I looked away, giving him a small measure of privacy.
"You shouldn't hate Mackenzie, Kat. There's things you don't know," Zach finally said, opening his eyes. "There are times I think she suffered just as much as both of us, if not more."
I snort
ed with disbelief. "Please, she's obviously moved on. Doesn't sound like she's suffering very much to me."
"It took her a long time to get there. I think the others would be ashamed of you and me," he admitted, putting his hands on the wheels of his chair. He pushed hard against them to get them up over the small lip of the path. I stood up to help him but he waved me off. "I'd say it was nice to see you again, but I don't think either of us feels that way," he said, making it on the path. "I'm not sure we'll ever feel that way again. I know Mackenzie wants us to. I've been so busy the last two years feeling sorry for myself to notice much else. I'm sorry for that now. The others didn't get the chance to live like we did." He choked on the last words and a lump moved to my throat. "I'll see you around, Kat. You should go see Mac, that's her name now. I know she misses you."
It took Zach a long time to disappear from sight. I watched him the entire time. I could have gotten up and helped him, but I sensed he wouldn't have allowed it. His words hung in the air around me. He was in a better place than I was. Forgiving Mackenzie for leaving him must have been a big step, and he'd taken it. I wasn't as forgiving.
I packed up my things as soon as Zach disappeared from sight. I no longer had any desire to paint. My muse was long gone. Our exchange had left me feeling off. Everything about my body felt heavy as if I was being pushed into the ground by gravity. I tossed my bag into the passenger seat of my car and slumped behind the wheel with no destination in mind. I could go home but mentally shook my head. I didn't want to face my bleak apartment. I could visit Mom and Dad, but that felt like a chore I was incapable of handling today. Fred's was always an option, but I didn't feel like drinking today. In an old life, I would have called my friends and we would have headed for the beach or something in that capacity.
Coming up blank, I decided I might as well head home. My cell phone dinged with an incoming message as I started the car.
"Want to hang out?"
A lifeline. I smiled with relief reading the four little words. Brian still had my number.
I debated telling him I was busy. I was raw from my encounter with Zach. Did I want to torture myself further?
The answer was yes since my fingers typed out "what do you have in mind?" before my brain and heart could reach a compromise.
"I have a few errands to run."
"You want me to run errands with you?" I typed, feeling skeptical.
"Just two. You'll have fun. Trust me."
"O-k-a-y," I typed, dragging it out so he could see my doubtfulness.
"Pick you up at your place in twenty."
"Give me thirty. I'm not at home," I typed back, putting the car in reverse.
My phone dinged again but I didn't check it. I might drive like I have a death wish, but I would never ever use my phone while I was driving. I was a poster kid of why that was a bad idea.
I pulled into my usual parking spot in front of my apartment exactly twenty-nine minutes later. Brian was already there in his jeep. Carlos called out to me as I climbed out of my car and I gave him a wave but headed for the passenger side of Brian's jeep.
"Who is that?" Brian asked, frowning in Carlos' direction.
"Community drug dealer," I quipped, climbing into the bucket seat.
Brian shot me a look, gauging whether I was messing with him. I shrugged. "He doesn't nose around in my business, and I extend the same courtesy to him," I said as he shook his head.
"Man, I can't believe your parents let you live here. Da..." His voice trailed off but his words were toxic to the air that filled his jeep, even with the breeze blowing in through our open windows. Without finishing his sentiment I knew what he was going to say. He was right. Dan would have never allowed my current living situation. It was a moot point though. If Dan were alive I wouldn't be living here in the first place. Our plan all along was to get an apartment to share sophomore year. We would have done it when we were freshmen, but I'd made a promise to my parents I'd give a different college than Dan's a chance. At the time they'd pushed for two years, but that was never going to happen. In the end, separate colleges wasn't even an issue.
"My parents aren't allowed to dictate my decisions anymore." My voice was as flat as steel, slicing through the thick cloud of unspoken words.
Brian shot me a look but didn't comment as he pulled out of my less-than-stellar apartment complex. As his jeep bounced over the ruts in the parking lot I couldn't help seeing the area through his eyes. The parking lot was a land mine of broken bottles and debris. Its sad appearance almost seemed cheerful in comparison to the exterior of the buildings with their dull brown walls that resembled dog shit in color. The walkways were cracked or flat out crumbling away. Anything that once was white was now a dingy gray color from years of dirt. I'd been living here almost a year and up until this moment I hadn't given its condemned appearance much thought. The less-than-safe neighborhood had appealed to me. It was a complete one-eighty from what I was used to. Seeing it now with fresh eyes, a small kernel of embarrassment unfurled deep in the pit of my stomach.
Brian remained quiet as he drove slowly through my neighborhood, avoiding the kids who liked to loiter in the street now that school was out for the summer. Most had a hard look to them as if they'd already given up on life. Seeing a girl roughly my age with a baby on her hip and another kid clinging to her leg waiting at the bus stop in front of my complex, I realized she probably had given up. I envied her though. Adulting sucked sometimes. There was a time when we'd all been ready to tackle it, head-on.
Graduation night
"How does it feel to join the adult world?" Dad asked as we all sat down at one long table in the restaurant.