Waves of guilt threatened to consume me as I closed the bedroom door behind me. I was pond scum. I'd taken advantage of Dan's brother when he was hurting. It no longer mattered that I'd been hurting also. Brian's words from the night before had been playing on a nonstop loop in my head since I'd woken up. He was right. Yesterday wasn't about me, and yet I'd made it about me. I seemed to have a habit of doing that. I relished the pain. I believed it would somehow keep me connected to Dan.
Pulling my running shoes on, I scooted out the front door, leaving the evidence of my sins behind. I took the steps two at a time, anxious to get out on the road. I wanted to feel the pavement slapping beneath my shoes. I wanted an excuse for my heart to pound with something other than pain.
Carlos' patio was dark as I ran by it. He'd been more absent than present lately, and I wondered if it had anything to do with his friend Antonio. It was strange and felt almost wrong not to have him at his normal post.
Thoughts of Carlos were eclipsed by all my other pressing thoughts as I jogged out of my complex. I adjusted my pace to a faster clip than I was used to. I didn't need my shrink to tell me I was trying to outrun my sins from the night before. Sleeping with Brian was a mistake. A mistake I wasn't sure he or I would ever be able to overcome. The tentative friendship we'd been nurturing over the last few weeks had been obliterated with our actions. I wouldn't allow myself to dwell on the thought. I'd made the choice and now I had to pay the consequences.
I would stay away from my apartment long enough for Brian to leave. I was sure the guilt I was feeling was even worse for him. At least he had the excuse of alcohol for his actions. He'd come to me in pain and I'd taken advantage of that. I could have halted things. He was right to call me selfish. I'd made so many mistakes since Dan died. Instead of holing myself up on what would have been his shared birthday with Brian, I should have been a true friend to Brian. Not once in my cocoon of pity had I even considered what the day felt like to him. His birthday would be forever marred by the loss of his brother. It was a shitty thing to live with. I'
d now added to his list by sleeping with him when what he truly needed was a friend. I didn't need Dr. Carlton to tell me I used Brian to get something that had been stolen from Dan and me. My special room in hell was probably being heated for me.
I pushed the thoughts aside and upped my pace so the running consumed everything else. I ran until the sun was high in the sky and my body was soaked in sweat. I wouldn't allow myself to stop until my legs threatened to liquify and my lungs were staging a mutiny, only then did I allow myself to head back to my complex.
Before heading up to my apartment I scanned the parking lot, making sure Brian's jeep was gone. Only when I saw it absent from the parking lot did I head up. It was time to clean up my pity party. Maybe when I was done I would drive over to see Zach.
I inserted my key into the lock but nothing happened. Confused, I pulled the key out and looked at it, wondering why it'd chosen this moment to act like an asshole. Cramming it back in the lock, I tried again, to no avail. I kicked the door with frustration. Great. I couldn't even call anyone since my phone was sitting on the couch cushions where I tossed it two days ago. Even if I had it with me it would most likely be dead. I'd have to go downstairs and see if Carlos would let me use his.
Glaring at the door one last time, I headed for the stairs. The sound of something being unlocked stopped me before I could hit the second step.
Brian stood in my doorway freshly showered, looking larger than normal. Maybe it was the illusion of standing framed in my doorway. Whatever it was, I couldn't help noticing his lack of resemblance to his brother at the moment.
"My key wouldn't work," I said, lamely holding it up and waiting for him to move so I could get into my apartment.
"I switched out your crappy lock for the new one on your counter," he said, not budging an inch as he leaned against my doorframe.
"You didn't need to do that," I muttered, keeping my eyes focused on the space behind him as I tried to scoot by without touching him. "I didn't see your jeep in the parking lot."
He waited until I was almost clear of the door to move. Instead of shying away as I'd been expecting, his arms bracketed the doorframe around me, holding me in place. "I took a cab here since I was drinking. My jeep's parked at Fred's." He pulled me closer.
"I need a shower," I said, trying not to think about how good his arms felt wrapped around me the night before.
"You shouldn't go out running by yourself."
I bristled at his words. "I'm quite capable of taking care of myself. I'm sure you caught on to that last night." My words trailed off as an image from the night before filled my head. We didn't need the reminder of the ultimate betrayal.
"I know you are, but it still doesn't mean it's safe," he said, dropping his hands from the doorframe to my waist.
I tensed. "Brian, we can't," I said, looking at his chest so I wouldn't have to look up.
"Can't what?" he asked, tugging me closer.
I sighed, wedging my hands up to his chest so I could put some kind of distance between us. "This. We can't do this. Don't you see how wrong it is?"
His right hand left my side, coming up to my chin so I was forced to look at him. "Kat, how can something that feels so right be wrong?" His voice was husky and low. My bones abandoned their posts, making me sway as they swooned at his tone. Even my hands couldn't seem to control themselves from running across his chest. Traitors.
"It doesn't feel right. It feels horribly wrong."
His eyes turned mocking. "I'm crushed. Is that your way of telling me you didn't like last night?"
My hands stilled and defeat surged through me. I sagged in his arms, unable to find the will to list the many reasons why last night had been a mistake. I leaned forward and rested my forehead against his chest. It was wrong to use him for comfort when I really needed to be doing the opposite. I should be pushing him away, distancing myself. His arms came up, pulling me into his embrace until I was flush against his body. I laid my cheek against his chest, feeling his heart thud.
How long we stood in my doorway like that I didn't know. Neither of us spoke as we held on to each other. The hug was not sexual in any way, but it touched me on another level of intimacy. A level that was both frightening and new. I'd loved Dan with all my heart, but I couldn't ever recall a time when he'd held me for the simple sake of holding me. It was an unfair observation, but every thought and action of mine over the last twenty-four hours had been unfair. I might as well have stayed consistent.
"I need to shower," I said, becoming aware that my sweaty clothes had started to dry. "I must smell awful," I added, flushing as I tried to pull away.
Laughter rumbled up through his chest beneath my cheek. "Trust me, I've smelled way worse. Try being in a locker room with fifty guys after a game. Your nose will never be the same again.
"Is that supposed to make me feel better?" I asked.