"I won't say I told you so again. We can relish in my all knowing abilities later."
"Yes, Yoda. Wise you are, indeed," I deadpanned.
Brian clutched his heart as if I'd just declared my undying love for him. Maybe I had.
2006
"Ugh. Do we really have to watch this movie again," Jessica griped, plunking down on the couch between Tracey and me.
"It's their turn to pick. I think Brian picked this one. Not that the guys are complaining," I said, glancing up from the Judy Blume book I was reading. "It's not all that bad."
"You, Kat, are wise indeed," Brian quipped from his beanbag chair.
Dan shot me a look of approval before returning to the pile of Legos between him, Zach, and Brian. A small smile tugged at my lips as my face heated from their approval. I glanced back down at the pages of my book, still smiling.
"You know I love a girl who can talk Star Wars," Brian said, breaking into my memory. A blush much like the one I'd had nine years ago traveled up my face. We'd yet to introduce the L-word into our relationship, but now it was tossed out there for everyone to hear. I knew he was joking, but I wasn't sure if everyone else would get that. I glanced at Zach, who was positioned near the couch in his chair. He seemed oblivious to what we were talking about as he gazed out the window. I edged closer to him, feeling bad about abandoning him. The three of us had made a pact to stick together at this party. I scanned the room, wondering where Mac was.
"Hey," I greeted him, sitting in the edge of the couch next to him. "You okay?"
"I'm dandy," he said, tapping his leg with his closed fist.
"You don't look dandy."
"Do you want me to do cartwheels?" he asked sarcastically. "I didn't know you and Brian were hooking up," he added, abruptly switching gears.
I caught my breath, waiting for him to lash out at me. I recalled our kiss and fleetingly wondered if he'd put more into it than I had. "Yes," I finally said when he lapsed into silence.
"That's cool," he said, moving his gaze away from the window to look at me. "You look happy."
I measured his words for a minute. My emotions had been a melting pot over the last two years. At any given time one emotion would boil up showing its dominance. Sometimes it was sadness, other times it was anger, but the one emotion that was sadly lacking in the dominance category was happiness. I took stock and realized he was right. I was happy. It'd been so long I barely recognized it. I was still expecting the other dominant emotions to crowd back in to stake their territory. Neither were present at the moment.
"I am," I said.
"I'm glad," he answered, glancing back out the window. "It gives me hope."
"What kind of hope?"
"That maybe someday I'll be where you and Mac are. Is it wrong that's all I can obsess over lately? World hunger and death splattered across the news every single day and all I can do is dwell on whether there will be a time where I wish I hadn't died in the accident."
My mouth formed an O as I looked up at Brian for help. He shrugged, looking as helpless as I felt. "I'm so sorry, Zach." The words felt inadequate. "You'll get to the other side of all this. I promise."
He sighed, meeting my eyes. "I hope so. You know what I wish?"
"What?" I asked, almost afraid to hear his answer.
"I wish we could go on that Slingshot ride again. I wish there was a way to bottle that feeling."
I nodded, all too aware of where he was coming from. "Trust me, when you get to the other side of all the muddled crap, you won't have to bottle that feeling. It'll be with you regardless," I said, wishing Mac was here. She was better at articulating the right words for these situations. "Where's Mac?" I asked, glancing around again in a vain hope that she would suddenly pop up.
"I haven't seen her yet. I think her mom's trying to call her," he said, nodding his head toward Mac's mother. "She probably got hung up with Bentley," he said without animosity.
I grinned at him, slipping my hand into Brian's. "Probably. Do you want something to drink?" I asked, climbing to my feet.
"Water."
"Do you want anything?" I asked Brian, who had claimed my vacated seat on the couch.
"Coke, please," he answered, launching into game talk with Zach.