I discreetly moved my chair over to put distance between us before sitting down. I pulled out my book and the crumbled study guide. I should have been embarrassed at its wrinkled state, but I kind of enjoyed seeing his reaction.
"Okay, we left off on question twenty-nine," he said, smoothing out the paper.
I looked down at the table wanting to smile more than I had in years. Something about his expression made me almost happy, and his obsessive-compulsive behavior was kind of cute.
We spent the first half an hour of tutoring much like the previous day. Dean would read the question in his radio voice, and then provide the correct answer while I jotted it down. I never enjoyed schoolwork like I did at the moment. Maybe that's where the school system had effed up. They should have hired radio personalities to teach the classes. Grades were bound to skyrocket.
"So, what college are you going to?" Dean asked out of the blue after asking me which city suffered the most devastation after the war.
"What?" I asked confused, forgetting the answer I was jotting down.
"Got a college picked?" he repeated.
"No," I answered shortly, looking back at the textbook for the right answer.
"'No,' you haven't picked one, or 'no,' you don't know where you want to go?" he asked, pointing at the answer in the book.
"No, as in no college in their right mind would be interested in a student like me," I said.
"Sure they would," he said, looking at me with an intensity that made me uncomfortable.
"It's not like I have any interest in going to college anyway," I said sarcastically, pulling my shield firmly in place.
"I'd help you. You know, tutoring and helping you study for exams."
"What is this, save-a-loser day?" I asked, making it clear I wanted the conversation to be over.
"You're not a loser," he said, looking like I had offended him somehow.
Someone at a nearby table shushed him.
"I am, and guess what? I don't give a shit. Got me? I'm a nobody. You don't need to save me. No one does," I said.
My tone took the wind out of his anger. "I can help you," he repeated calmly.
"Look, scholar boy, I don't need your help. I just don't care about this stuff. Don't take it personally."
"Why?" he asked, looking down at the book.
"Why, what?" I asked, trying to cover my impatient sigh.
"Why don't you care?"
I eyed him, wondering if he was yanking my chain. "Seriously, either you're trying to be an ass or you're dumb as one," I said, tapping my pencil on the table in aggravation that we were even having this conversation.
He raised his eyebrows at me before answering in short drawn out words. "I. Want. To. Help. You. Got me?"
"Do I have 'charity case' stamped on my forehead? Or wait, are you trying to punk me? Because seriously, I've seen all the movies. Pretend to befriend a social outcast and then just when she starts to trust you, throw pig's blood or something equally as macabre on her in front of all your cronies. I'm not a fool," I said, dismissing him as I jotted down the next answer on my worksheet.
He remained silent, and after a moment, I couldn't resist chancing a discreet look at him beneath the veil of my hair. His eyes clashed with mine, and I swallowed the sudden uncomfortable lump in my throat from the hurt look on his face.
I actually felt a little guilty which was a shock. I didn't do guilt anymore. I may pay the price for my sins for the rest of my life, but I'd vowed I'd no longer get trapped into feeling guilty. I didn't ask for anything. I didn't owe anyone anything. Anger replaced the guilt that was making me feel emotions that were dead to me. Damn him. Why couldn't he take pity on some stray animal or something? Wasn't there a whale to save or some dolphin with a broken fin that needed attention?
The silence between us stretched on uncomfortably, and I tried to ignore it as I continued to scratch the answers out on my paper. I waited for him to move on to the next question, but he remained stoically silent with his arms crossed over his chest. I knew this game. He could sit there like that until hell froze over for all I cared. I would not cave.
And that's pretty much how the rest of tutoring went. I searched for the answers while he sat silently next to me, never moving a muscle. When the hour ended, I stood up and gathered my things, preparing to leave without a word.
"Same time tomorrow?" he said, leaving before I could.