Miss Me Not

"For as long as I live here. It's never really been an issue since she's never here to check. Anyway, with the exception of you and my friend James coming over a few times, it hasn't been a hard rule to follow."

"What is she: a warden or a mom?" he grumbled, heading down the hall.

"Hey, where are you going?" I yelped.

"I'm checking to make sure the rest of the house is clear before I leave you alone," he said through gritted teeth.

"That's pretty sweet of you, but seriously, Dean, you can't come over every night to make sure my house is safe," I said.

"Maybe not, but I'll be damned if I'm going to drop you off in a dark house that anyone could have broken into while you were out."

"You watch a lot of horror flicks, don't you?" I said as he scoured the rest of the house.

I held my breath when he entered my room. My sanctuary. The one place that no one else entered. Four years ago, I had ripped the room apart, trying to erase what I had done. It no longer resembled the room it once had, but as Dean slowly walked around the space, I felt as if he could see through the facade.

"Nice," he said simply before heading out and back down the hall. "Looks all clear. Text me if you hear anything suspicious," he said.

"I'm a big girl, Dean. You don't need to swoop in and save the day."

"Humor me, okay?" he said, standing by the front door.

"Fine, but you're being ridiculous."

"If being ridiculous means you're safe, it's a good trade-off," he said, stepping close to me. Before I could wrap my brain around his motives, he planted a soft lingering kiss on my forehead, much like I had seen his parents do to his sisters when they tucked them in for the night.

"Just so you know, everyone has regrets, but it's fucked up to be continually punished for them," he said, giving me a searching look before he closed the front door behind him.

My hands shook as I locked the door behind him, trying not to think of his parting statement. After being around his exuberant sisters and loving parents, my house seemed like a mockery. There was no laughter here, no joy and definitely no love. I went to the fridge and filled a glass halfway with Coke and headed off to my room. I closed my door firmly behind me and opened the bottom drawer in my dresser. Digging around under a pile of old clothes I never wore, I finally extracted a half-full bottle of Jack Daniels. I wasn't a heavy drinker, but I'd learned long ago to always keep a bottle on hand for times like this. I poured a generous amount into my glass before crawling onto my bed. The first gulp of the drink burned going down, but it had the desired effect, a warm buzz started to spread throughout me. A couple more drinks, and my senses began to dull. My empty life didn't seem quite as bad once my glass was nearly empty. It no longer mattered that my parents never tucked me in at night or that any pictures we had of me were closed away in some drawer. It didn't matter that my fears were confirmed. I didn't care that Dean knew I had sex at thirteen. Really, I didn't.

Chapter Twelve

I woke up the next morning to the ding of a text coming through on my phone. I grimaced at my extreme case of dry mouth and pounding headache. Jack may have dulled my pain at the time, but he sure was a bastard the day after. I took my time rising from my bed to make sure the room wouldn't spin. Grabbing my phone from the nightstand, I saw the text was a morning greeting from Dean. He was definitely tenacious. Once I knew that the only side effects of my liquor indulgence were the pounding headache and dry mouth, I set my phone back down and stowed the Jack Daniels back in my drawer before I staggered off to the bathroom to shower.

Avoiding the mirror, I slathered toothpaste on my toothbrush and scrubbed my teeth and tongue until they were begging for mercy. Feeling a little more human, I climbed into the shower and let the hot water cascade over me. I mulled over my near panic attack from the night before. In the light of day, things didn't look quite as extreme. Dean's words ran through my head on an endless track. He made it all seem so easy. Was it possible to forgive my previous sins? Maybe the world and I really could move on.

Energized with sudden inspiration, I finished up my shower in record time, and toweled off just as quickly. I threw on my normal attire and trotted out to the kitchen with my plan at the ready.

Donna was already at the kitchen counter, eating her morning yogurt.

"Morning," she said, not looking up from her paper.

"Morning," I replied, leaning on the counter across from her. Second thoughts began to creep in as she ignored me, continuing to peruse her paper. I finally decided to plunge right in. "Um, Donna?" I said tentatively.

"Yes?" she asked, lowering the paper slightly.

"Uh, I was wondering if maybe you wanted to get some lunch, and maybe do a little shopping," I stuttered out, feeling like a complete fool.

"I have other plans," she said dismissively, washing her spoon off and throwing her container away. "

"Oh, I was hoping to get some new clothes," I said, hating myself for sounding so plaintive. I was breaking the rules here. We could coexist as long as I didn't need her for anything besides shelter and food.

She looked at me critically, obviously trying to analyze my sudden desire to do something together. "I'm meeting the women from my bible group for lunch, and then we're catching an early movie. If you need new clothes, you're going to have to take the bus, or I can drop you off at the mall tomorrow after church," she said, scooping up her purse off the counter. "Or just order them online like you have been. It's not like your wardrobe ever deviates," she said, heading for the front door, leaving me behind with a cloud of her Estee Lauder perfume still hanging in the air.

I waited until I heard the front door close before sinking down to the floor. Talk about taking the freaking wind out of my sails. I was an idiot. Possibly the stupidest person on Earth. What had I been thinking? Just because I was slowly changing didn't mean she was. >Ashley and Dora both crashed halfway through the movie, but we continued to watch until the end. As my first experience with a Disney movie, I was impressed. Who knew animation could be so entertaining? Being a church daycare kid, my cartoon watching had centered on the same boring Christian videos over and over again in an endless loop. It got to the point that I would rather watch paint dry than see how Moses parted the Red Sea.

"How about some cookies and pumpkin bars?" Dean asked as his parents each carried a twin to their room.

"Sure," I said, standing and stretching. "But first I need to use the bathroom."