Miss Me Not

That was putting it mildly. Nodding, I made a point to not look at Dean. I was afraid I would lose my nerve. "The year I turned twelve, I began to develop," I said, flushing slightly, but keeping my eyes only on Sarah. "I suddenly no longer looked like a child, as in, almost overnight. I developed curves and my face lost any baby fat it had carried. I immediately noticed a change in people. Guys twice my age looked at me when I walked by, and girls glared at me with envy. I liked the attention I was getting. I began to dress to show off my assets. I dyed my hair black, and pierced my eyebrow and tongue. I knew the changes made me look older, more exotic and wild. I liked it and so did guys. Suddenly, I was getting asked out and invited to high school parties. I should have been happy. I was finally getting the attention I craved," I said in a shaky voice.

"But it wasn't the attention of your parents," Sarah said kindly.

I shook my head as Dean stood up. Thinking he was disgusted with my desperation for attention, I was surprised when he returned with a box of tissues and slid them in front of me before grabbing my hand. I wasn't even aware I was crying.

Taking a shaky breath, I stared at the daisies, wishing I didn't have to continue. I hadn't talked about my actions in years.

"So, you were hanging out with an older crowd?" Sarah gently probed.

"Yeah," I answered. "Around this time, my parents forced me to go on a church retreat to Mexico. That's when I met Katie Nelson. We hit it off from the very start and became inseparable. We both liked hanging out with the older crowd, and for the most part, they were nice enough, wild, but nice. They were the ones to give us our first drink of Jack Daniels, and our first hit on a joint. It was at one of their parties that I tried crystal meth for the first and only time. It made me ferociously sick, so I stayed away from the hard stuff after that. My parents didn't care. They never asked where I was, who I was with or what I was wearing. During the few months leading up to my thirteenth birthday, I was hit on and propositioned many times, but I held out," I said quietly.

Dean and Sarah waited intently for me to continue.

"See, I had this idea that if I seduced someone from their church, they would finally notice me. They would have to step in. I had the whole idea worked out. In the few times that they dragged me to one of their church functions, I noticed the men there, who were supposedly outstanding Christian men, still checked me out when I walked in. I knew they liked my chest in the small baby doll t-shirts I wore. I could feel their eyes on me as I walked by. One in particular never seemed to be able to stop looking. I decided he would be my target. I didn't consider any of the ramifications. I just knew he wanted me and he would be a means to an end. It only sweetened the deal that he was a friend of my dad’s," I said in a monotone voice as memories from long ago surfaced. "I tricked him into coming over to my house, claiming my dad had a schedule change for an upcoming event at the church. When Jim showed up that evening, I was a little drunk to get my nerves up and I dressed in skimpy lingerie I had stolen from Victoria’s Secret. In my eyes, it was the perfect crime. I was convinced that dressed like I was, drinking, wearing a stolen item and seducing the youth minster of their church would finally put me on their radar," I said, twisting the tissue in my hand. The tears fell hot and fast down my cheeks. I finally looked at Dean, unsure if I could continue.

His face was tense and I saw that his fist was clenched. He was angry. Of course he was angry. What I had done was horrific. He knew from the rumors that I had succeeded in the seduction, but what he didn't know was that I had chickened out.

I looked back at Sarah who gave me a reassuring look. There was no turning back now.

"Jim showed up a half an hour before my parents were due home from work. I had it all planned out, or so I thought. Just looking at him I knew my ploy was going to work. His eyes practically jumped out of his head when he looked at me. At first, it was nice, just like I imagined it would be. He came up behind me while I was taking a drink of my Jack and Coke, and kissed me on my neck and it felt good. The kisses after that were just as good as he slowly backed me up to the couch. Before I knew it, he was on top of me, kissing me harder and more insistently. Our clothes disappeared quicker than I could have ever imagined," I said with shallow gasps. "It became difficult to breathe with all his weight on me, so I tried pushing at him to get him to lift off of me so I could breathe a little. I also wanted to slow down, so it wouldn't be quite so scary. Finally, all I could think about was how much it hurt." I stalled out as the words got harder for me.

"You wanted him to stop?" Sarah asked, grabbing one of my hands. I nodded my head, ashamed. Dean startled me by jumping to his feet. I looked at him as he paced the kitchen. Anger radiated off him in great waves. I didn't blame him, I was poison. I ruined everything.

"Dean?" Sarah said, standing up to stop his pacing.

"I want to kill them," Dean said, slamming a closed fist on the counter, making me jump.

"I know, son, but Madison needs you to be strong," she said, pushing him toward me.

Their exchange confused me. He was angry at someone else? Maybe he missed something in my story. Didn't he realize this was my fault?

Giving in to his mom's insistence, Dean dropped back down in the chair next to me and gently grabbed my hand.

I felt like I needed to clarify things, that I didn't deserve his kindness.

"It was my fault. I started the whole thing and then froze up. It was wrong."

"Sweetie, the only thing wrong is that he touched you in the first place. As adults, we live by a moral code. As a religious man, his moral code should have been even stronger," Sarah said, disgusted.

"But it was my fault. I seduced him. I was wearing a skimpy outfit. I was drunk. It was all my fault," I said, repeating the words Donna had thrown at me.

"He was the adult. He should have walked away," Dean said in a voice trembling with anger.

"Madison, what did he do when you wanted to stop?" Sarah finally asked.

"He said it was too late, that I asked for it. He said that a man can't stop once he starts, so I stopped trying to push him off me and I let him finish. My parents walked in as he was finishing. Jim was instantly defensive as he pulled on his clothes. He called me a slut and told them I had seduced him. I wasn't aware I was crying until my dad turned to me, looking for an explanation. In that instant, I no longer wanted their attention. My dad looked at me and at the evidence of my virginity on the couch and went ballistic. He punched Jim out. He was shaking with rage. It was awful," I whispered.

"What about your mom?" Sarah probed gently.

"She was pissed, too, but not at Jim, at me. She knew I had seduced him. She and my dad argued about it after Jim staggered out. My dad claimed it was her fault. That she'd never shown any of the motherly influence that I obviously needed. Their screaming went on all night. I eventually showered, trying to wash Jim's touch from me, but no matter how much I scrubbed, I couldn't erase the memories. Somewhere around two a.m., the thought of a possible pregnancy came up. Horrified at the idea of having a thirteen-year-old pregnant daughter, my mom drove me to the hospital and told them I had been raped. I had to go through a rape screening, fill out a report and then they gave me the day after pill. I was so relieved to take that pill. Never in all my scheming had I ever considered pregnancy. My mom sat sternly by me during it all, and on the way home, she laid down the new rules. If I was going to act like an adult, I would be treated like one. I was not allowed to call her ‘Mom’ anymore, and she would only provide my basic needs. That drive home marked the last time she and I would ever really talk again. My dad moved out the next day and I haven't seen or spoken to him since. The police went to the church and arrested Jim for statuary rape. The church was up in arms over the scandal. Some felt that Jim should have known better, but there were plenty who knew about my wild ways, and blamed me completely. It split the church down the middle, and it really never recovered. Katie spread it around school, and my fate was sealed," I finished, sinking back in my chair, weary and drained.

Dean and Sarah were silent for several minutes as they digested my story. Finally, after a few minutes, Sarah broke the silence.

"Why was your mom so mad after your trip to the hospital?" she gently probed.

"She was angry because I had forced her to turn against her beliefs. By asking the hospital for the day after pill, she was agreeing to terminate a possible pregnancy. She felt it was no different than an abortion, and she hated me for that."

"That's ridiculous, you had just turned thirteen," Sarah said, sounding agitated.