"That didn't matter. I had made adult decisions. I destroyed many lives that night, so I made it my goal to slip into the shadows, to fade away. As the year went by, everyone finally stopped noticing me and talking about me, until eventually no one acknowledged me again. Donna and I learned to coexist and life went on. The tomb-like silence in my house reminded me daily of my sins, always sitting heavily on me. I began to dream about disappearing from the Earth once and for all. That's when I met James. James had his own demons like me, although we never shared them. We learned to lean on each other without getting personal, if that makes sense. That's really where the pact came from. We would leave Earth much like we lived on it. No fuss, no muss. But Mitch's death changed everything. People who didn't even know him used his death as a platform to get attention. I didn't want that. The pact was no longer an option for me. Life seemed bleak, knowing I could no longer count on death—and then, I met Dean," I said, meeting his eyes as he laced his fingers with mine. "He changed everything."
"I didn't know," Dean said, sounding choked up.
"I know," I whispered. "I told you, you didn't need to save me, but you and Mitch did just that. But I wasn't able to save James. I left him behind," I cried as a fresh wave of tears cascaded down my cheeks.
Dean pulled me in his arms, letting me weep for my lost friend and my lost youth. Eventually, my tears did dry up. Mentally exhausted, I leaned heavily on Dean, marveling that he wasn't disgusted or horrified with my story.
My eyes felt like someone had dumped a handful of sand in them as I finally looked at Sarah.
"Sweetie, I'm sorry you've carried this around for so many years, but you need to listen to me. None of this was your fault. Do you understand me? I'm all for accountability, but where was your support system? Who is accountable for that?" she said, bending down to give me a tight hug.
I returned her hug, unsure what I had done to deserve her acceptance.
"I made the guest room up for Madison. Do you want to show her where it is?" she asked Dean.
"Yeah," he said around a yawn, helping me to my feet. "Are you going back to bed?"
"Not right now. I'm going to wait a little while longer, and then give Madison's mom a call to let her know she's here."
I looked blurry eyed at the old-fashioned clock on the far wall. I was surprised to see it was almost five a.m. It had taken me almost three hours to get my story completely out. No wonder I felt like I had been dragged behind a pickup truck. It had been a long couple days with no sleep.
"Sarah, I'm so sorry to have kept you up like this. You don't have to call her. I can do it," I said, already grateful enough for their understanding and compassion.
"Honey, you don't need to apologize. I'm just happy that we are able to be here for you. And no, I think it's best if I make the call," she said in an even tone that made Dean grin.
"What?" I asked as he led me up the stairs wondering what I had missed.
"My mom obviously has an agenda I strongly agree with," he said, stopping at an open doorway right off the top of the steps.
"Donna won't care," I said flatly. I knew my mom well. She felt she was the victim here. I had ruined her life.
"You'd be surprised what my mom can accomplish," he said, leaning against the door frame as he stroked a hand up my arm.
"How are you two not running from me screaming?" I finally asked the question that was burning through me.
"The last thing I want to do at the moment is run screaming from you. Truthfully, I want to do the exact opposite. I'm seriously fighting the urge to drag you away, caveman-style, to protect you from future harm. I want to hunt that Jim guy down and do what your dad did. I want to wring Katie's scrawny neck for spreading the rumors around, but most of all, I want to throw your mom in the middle of a pack of wolves and see how she feels being all alone."
"There are two sides to every story. I'm sure hers is different than mine," I said, wondering if I had unconsciously sugarcoated my story.
"There is no excuse for anything she did. Even if I heard her version of the story, I would still see that she abandoned her hurt daughter," he said, dropping a soft kiss on my forehead. I swayed slightly as exhaustion from the endless day weighed me down. It seemed hard to believe that less than twenty four hours ago, I had said my final goodbyes to my friend. It had been a long day.
Seeing my exhaustion, Dean led me into the room and pulled back the quilt so I could climb in the bed. He tucked the blanket around me before dropping a featherlight kiss on my lips.
I closed my heavy eyelids. My last thoughts before slumber pulled me under was where I would go from here. Life was beckoning me. I could feel its insistence and enticement. At the moment, death was nowhere to be found.
Chapter twenty three
I slept until late the next afternoon. I didn't jump up immediately, but lay there, taking stock of my life. The unbearable weight I had been carrying for years was gone. The saying "the truth will set you free" took on a whole new meaning for me. James's death will forever remain in my heart. Deep down, I knew I should have been there for him, but carrying that guilt would not bring him back. Instead, I needed to live, for both of us.
The house was quiet as I slowly made my way down the steps.
"Hey," Dean said, looking up from the book he was reading. "You look better," he added.
"I feel better," I said, feeling self-conscious just standing there in my rumpled clothing and bed head. "Where is everyone?" I asked.
"My dad and the twins went to hang out with my papaw and nana. Mom and Trish went out to get some clothes for you," he said, patting the couch next to him.
"Gah, they didn't have to do that," I said, sinking down next to him.